Zerg Canadians


The Zerg Canadian Civil War Part 4 - "Death From Above"
By _Ravil

[Scene: The former Zerg Canadian Super-Secret Backup Reserve Emergency Fortress for Use Only in Wartime Conditions or When Hiding from Disgruntled Postal Employees – also known as "That Other Place" amongst the Canuckalisks. The usurper General TurtleToo, who has made That Other Place his official fortress, is slumped in his command chair, which appears to be a stolen Doggy-bed. Defeat weighs heavily on the Zergling’s mind, as his former superior, the Hunter-Killer Hydralisk Ravil, has dealt his former ally a thorough bashing in battle.]

Turtle: (Fairly grumpy) Hey, now who’s being biased?

[Well excuse me if he whooped you this time, especially after he brought out that hose. He ended up drowning half of your Canuckalisks!]

Turtle: (Curling up in his Doggy-bed) I don’t want to talk about it…

[The Canuckalisks who survived the battle are strewn about That Other Place, keeping themselves amused by seeing who can wail in pain the loudest. Suddenly, Turtle’s rest is disturbed as one of the massive beasts strolls up to the Doggy-bed. But this Canuckalisk is not like the others…it is wearing a pair of thick-rimmed glasses, and its torso armour appears to be molded to the shape of a pocket pen-holder. It’s hide is also a pale white colour, having never seen the outside world before.]

Canuckalisk Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Turtle: (Sighs) Slow down, slow down. What do you want?

Canuckalisk Geek: (Impatient) *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Turtle: You’ve discovered WHAT?? I hope that you’re serious, Geek, for your sake. I’m in a really, really bad mood.

Canuckalisk Geek: *GRUNT*

Turtle: (Gets up) All right, I’ll follow. Lead the way!

[The Canuckalisk Geek leads Turtle through a network of tunnels. Finally, they arrive at a section of caverns that Turtle has never seen before. A crudely-painted sign hangs above the entrance: "Zerg Canadian Genetic Research & Development Sector".]

Turtle: (In awe) You actually managed to make that sign up there?


Turtle: I’ll bet that it took you a while, especially since you can’t read any better than Ravil can. Why wasn’t I told about this place?


Turtle: Plausible deniability, eh? So I take it that means that Ravil didn’t know about this either?

Geek: (Shakes his head)

Turtle: Excellent…you’ve made the right choice in siding with us, Geek! I’ll make sure to get you all of those ‘Star Zerg’ trading cards that you’ve always wanted.

Geek: (Beams proudly)

Turtle: So what exactly is it of such importance that you have discovered, Geek?


Turtle: (A wicked grin slowly spreading over his face) Truly? Take me to it at once! I MUST see it!

[The Canuckalisk Geek leads Turtle over to a small containment facility, made out of a rock-cut closet and a smashed piece of glass. The Zergling peers inside to see the most magnificent thing that he has ever seen.]

Turtle: It…can’t…be…

[In the center of the encaged area, wings folded up at its sides, is one of the great flying Mutalisks. Well…kind of. It’s face looks suspiciously like that of a Canuckalisk.]

Turtle: (Slapping Geek on the ankle, which is all that he can reach up to) Geek, you genius! You have brought us the ultimate weapon to use against Ravil! There is no way that he can match this with his puny ground-based Canuckalisks!

Geek: (Unhappily) *GRUNT*

Turtle: (Quickly) No offense, Geek! I meant…uh, I meant RAVIL’S puny Canuckalisks! You are much better than HIS simple-minded beasts! (The Geek is no longer listening, as he is busily examining a rock face) Never mind. So…what shall we call it? It’s not really a Mutalisk, and it’s certainly not a Canuckalisk. How about…a Turtlisk?

Geek: *GRUNT*

Turtle: Don’t like it, eh? (Observes beer dripping down from the ceiling) Hmmm…we’re right under Vancouver, I take it. How about…a Surralisk?

[The Geek bellows its approval.]

Turtle: (Rubs his hands together in glee) Excellent! We’ll need them in the field as soon as possible. When is the soonest that you can produce an entire flock of these magnificent Surralisks?

[The Geek motions for Turtle to follow once again. The Zergling complies, and they move forward into a cavern that makes the Underground Lair look positively claustrophobic. Water from the nearby ocean provides for a natural source of nourishment…for a towering Hatchery building, surrounded by…]

Turtle: (Eyes going wide) Geek….I love you!

Geek: (Taken aback) *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Turtle: Soon, the world will be mine and Ravil’s head will be mounted upon a spike! MUAHAHAHA!

[Camera pan of the Hatchery, and the hundreds upon hundreds of maturing Surralisk eggs, only days away from hatching open to restock Turtle’s depleted armies.]


[Scene: The Zerg Canadian Underground Lair, far beneath the surface of Alberta. Ravil is seated in his throne, tapping his claws impatiently on the chair’s arm. On the screen of his advanced video communications unit, which is floating only feet away from him, is the face of Fron, Emperor of the Dominion of Canada.]

Fron: …and his Greatness, the one and only Maggott, wishes me to pass on to you his extreme displeasure at your inability to crush this usurper General Turtle of yours. MFSROE needs your forces in the battle as soon as possible, Ravil. Thus far, you have not proved to be a very valuable ally to us.

Ravil: (Hisses) Guard your tongue, Fron. When I allied myself with Maggott, it was under my conditions, not his. If we wish to hold back and wait until the enemy is already wounded, then so be it.

[Suddenly, Fron’s transmission dissolves, and a few seconds later, it is replaced by the face of the fiendishly evil…]

Ravil: (Surprised) Maggott! What an…honour it is to see you again.

Maggott: (Growls) Cut the crap, Ravil. You’ve done absolutely diddly-squat so far in our war effort. Sephroth’s forces have routed us in orbit, and our ground troops aren’t having much success either. If we’re going to win this war, then we must exploit ALL of our resources to their fullest! And you, my good King of the Canuckalisks, are a very valuable resource indeed.

Ravil: Resource? RESOURCE? Why you…

Maggott: Don’t make me get angry with you, Ravil. The last Hydralisk I got angry with still hasn’t been found. Now, I have a task for you and your Canuckalisks, effective immediately. Fjorxc’s Canadian Federation has recently seceded from the hated SODA. We must exploit this weakness immediately, before PFBS can move forces to the Federation’s territories. Fron has no ready ground troops in the vicinity…but you do. I want you to launch a full-scale assault on their capital of Toronto immediately. I want the city taken as intact as possible…and the traitor Fjorxc’s head made into a meatloaf and brought before me!

Ravil: That’s a pretty tall order…I’m a terrible chef.

Maggott: (Eyes flashing) Nonetheless, you are to do it! You’ll get support from the 54th Maggottonian Fighter Wing, which I am sending into a stationary orbit above Canada to await your call. And by the way…I like my meatloaf made with horseradish in it.

Ravil: Ick! How about some cyanide instead?

Maggott: Don’t get wise with me, Ravil. Maggott out.

[The screen flashes off, and Ravil is left to contemplate his situation.]

Ravil: (Grumbles) This whole "alliance" thing isn’t quite what it’s cracked up to be. CYDRIC!

[The Defiler Chancellor squeezes out of his cubby-hole once again.]

Cydric: You called, sire?

Ravil: Rally the troops, Cydric! We’re going to Toronto!

Cydric: Immediately, sire!

[The Defiler scurries off, and shortly after, the long march to Ontario is begun.]

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