Zerg Canadians


The Zerg Canadian Civil War - Part 2
By _Ravil

[Scene: The former Zerg Canadian Super-Secret Backup Reserve Emergency Fortress for Use Only in Wartime Conditions or When Hiding from Disgruntled Postal Employees – also known as "That Other Place" amongst the Canuckalisks. Located beneath a small town in British Columbia, it is TurtleToo’s personal lair, where he spends a great deal of his time. The ground is littered with old cigar ashes. The place is absolutely filthy (but then again, so is much of the company). Also strung around are the picked-clean bones of various Environmental and Health Inspectors whom thought it a good idea to call. There is one noticeable thing that sets this lair apart from the other Zerg Canadian facilities. The official emblem of the Zerg Canadians, the Maple Leaf Flag with a smiling portrait of Ravil in the center of it (not such a great plan – a Hydralisk’s smile is not something that puts young children to sleep at night), has been taken down from its spot on the wall, and torn into a hundred pieces. General Turtle, former servant of Ravil, King of the Canuckalisks, is about to conduct an inspection of the 76th Canuckalisk Grenadier division, "Hell’s Little Pets", one of the few regiments swearing loyalty to the Zergling. They are all lined up at stark attention in front of the comparatively tiny Turtle.]

Turtle: (Puffing on a good Havanna Cigar, from a box that barely found its way out of the city before it was obliterated by one of Exile’s IPBMs) All right, you apes! You Zerg have made the right choice in supporting me over that infidel Ravil. He seeks to sit back and let Maggott destroy the world with his push-button weaponry. What are we going to do about this?

Canuckalisks: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Turtle: (Pacing before them) That’s right! We’re going to show him what REAL war is all about! We’re going to go back there, grab him by the nose, kick him in the ass, and then leave before he knows what has hit him! Now…ATTEN-HUT!

[All of the Canuckalisks stiffen. Turtle begins his inspection.]

Turtle: (To the first Canuckalisk) Captain, are your men ready for inspection?

Captain: *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Turtle: Excellent, excellent. (Moves down the line) You there! Keep your back straight! And you…chin up! You eating the Senator over there…spit that out right now; you know Canadian Politicians will ruin your diet!

[Coming upon a particularly dirty Canuckalisk, Turtle snaps a white rubber glove over one of his claws, and runs it along the soldier’s hide. A good three inches of grime is accumulated in a single sweep.]

Turtle: Hmm…soldier, when was the last time you took a bath?

Dirty Canuckalisk: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *COUGH* *COUGH* *GRUNT*

Turtle: (Moving the cigar around in his mouth) Hmmm…when we get out to Okanagan Lake, you’d better take a dip. Bringing you into battle would probably qualify as biological warfare. And quit smoking too…bad for the health. Well, well, well…what have we here?

Turtle: What’s wrong with YOU?

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *SOB* *GRUNT*

Turtle: It’s your nerves? You just can’t take it anymore? Why…you’re nothing but a yellow bellied coward! What are you doing in my army??

[The bold little Zergling raises a claw and slaps the Canuckalisk across the face repeatedly. The large beast howls its disapproval and its fear of the General. Its hard to be brave when your brain is the size of a pistachio nut.]

Turtle: Come on! On your feet!

[The beast remains cringed down, and begins to cry even harder. The support beams of the former Zerg Canadian Super-Secret Backup Reserve…well, Turtle’s Fortress begin to shake.]

Turtle: Bah! Guards, take him to Vancouver and give him to the BC land commission and the undead X-Files extras…we’ll see which one tears him apart faster.

[Other Canuckalisks come and drag their comrade away to his horrible fate.]

Turtle: Now…do we have any more cry-larvae in our midst? (Silence) Good. Now…here is the plan. You Zerg of the 76th will be the spearhead of our assault against Ravil. Our intelligence reports that he is planning on moving against us…we’ll beat him to it. If we hit him now, where it really hurts, then we might be able to convince other Canuckalisks to join our ranks. Are you with me?

[The Canuckalisks bellow their approval.]

Turtle: Are we going to kill Ravil?

[The Canuckalisks bellow their approval.]

Turtle: Who do YOU think would make a better "King of the Canuckalisks"?

[The Canuckalisks bellow their approval.]

Turtle: (Getting suspicious) What do you say we put on a Spice Girls CD for some rousing music?

[The Canuckalisks bellow their approval.]

Turtle: (Sighs) I thought as much. Oh well…forward, my men! To victory!

[The Canuckalisks bellow their approval…and continue to do so as they follow Turtle out into network of tunnels that lies to the east, underneath the majestic Rocky Mountains.]


[Scene: The Zerg Canadian Underground Lair. Ravil is not having a good day. Turtle’s mutiny has taken the entire Canuckalisk nation by shock. Already rumors of other Canuckalisk divisions moving out to join TurtleToo’s renegades have reached Ravil’s ears. His faction of Loyalists (‘Tories ‘Tories!) remains stronger than the Zergling’s forces…for the moment. But if half the number of Canuckalisks he fears will turn away do, then the King is in serious trouble.]

Ravil: Blast that usurper Turtle! I offered him the world, served to him on a platter, with mankind to use as a toothpick! And how does he repay me? With betrayal. Bah…all of his noble ideals of combat shall not count for anything once he is obliterated by one of Maggott’s weapons of doom. Cydric! Get me a line to Emperor Fron at once. I need to requisition some help.

[The Defiler does not stir from his six-inch cubby hole (don’t ask how he fits in…it’s not a pretty sight). Cydric is not having a good day either. The latest war reports came in earlier that afternoon. It appears that Disneyland was laid to waste by one of the warring factions. His heart is utterly broken.]


[Slowly, the Defiler drags himself out of the cubby-hole, stretches himself out to his full length, and then meanders over towards Ravil’s throne.]

Cydric: (Very glum indeed) What is it, sire?

Ravil: I SAID…get me a link with Emperor Fron immediately! We might need his help in this battle.

Cydric: Ah…what does it matter? The world is as good as gone.

Ravil: Cydric, what is wrong with you? So Disneyland has been destroyed…so what?

Cydric: So what? SO WHAT? My entire life I have been dying to go to Disneyland! We’ve been so close…so close that you could practically reach out and behead that big fake Mickey Mouse..so close that you could practically taste the bacteria in the food…so close that you could almost feel the days pass as you stood in line! But now…it’s all gone! *SOB*

Ravil: (Kind of downtrodden now as well, since, deep in his heart, he is kind of fond his overgrown cockroach of a Chancellor) Oh, don’t cry, Cydric. Look…as soon as this war is over, and we stand victorious before all of the other factions, then I promise that I’ll have Maggott rebuild Disneyland, okay?

Cydric: (Wipes his nose with a tentacle) But…but it won’t be the same! How can we stand in line for hours and get so frustrated that you want to disembowel the person in front of you when there’s nobody left alive on the continent?

Ravil: (Somewhat impatient) You WANT to stand in line for hours? I would have thought that you’d like it better with everyone dead.

Cydric: (Shrugs) It’s all part of the experience.

Ravil: Okay okay okay…I’ll personally go out and get some cardboard cutouts for you to stand behind. That way, it could take years for you to get through to any of the rides. Would that make you feel better?

Cydric: I-I suppose so. Thanks, sire. You’re the best Hydralisk a guy could know.

Ravil: (Blushes, but is very hard to distinguish) Well, I…

[Suddenly, their conversation is interrupted as the entire Underground Lair shakes with fury. Dirt is kicked up in every which direction in the throneroom. Suddenly, the walls burst apart, sending chunks of rock flying everywhere, and a number of hauntingly familiar figures emerge.]

Turtle: (Grinning behind his cigar) Hello, sire! It appears that its time for our rematch. Are you game?

Ravil: (Standing up slowly from his throne and growling from the bottom of his throat) You wanted a glorious and bloody battle, Turtle. And that’s just what you’re going to get. Guards!

[Ravil’s loyal Canuckalisks charge into the room to protect their sovereign, and very quickly there is a face-off in the middle of the throneroom.]

Ravil: The pieces are set, Turtle. What’s your move?


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