The Zerg Canadian Civil War - Part 1
[Backflash: The Canuckalisk throne room, deep beneath the Canadian
Prairies. Ravil, king of the Canuckalisks sits haughtily in his Zerg
custom-made throne, which to the untrained eye appears to be a slapdash
collection of Creep, bones from cattle, and refuse from fast food
restaurants. Floating before the Hydralisk is a advanced video
communications unit. At his right claw is the Defiler, Cydric. No one knows
why Cydric hangs around Ravil in every Canuckalisk scene. We can only
assume he's biding his time until Hockey Night in Canada comes back on.]
Ravil: So it's settled. I pledge you the alliegance of the Canuckalisks in
the upcoming battle in exchange for a mention in your book, "Becoming
Emperor of Canada on $1 US a Day", plus a lifetime supply of Cheet-ohs.
Voice from the unit: Excellent. I shall contact you when I... I mean,
Maggott... requires your services. And remember, you've never ever heard of
Fjorxc. You despise him.
Cydric (scratching his head absently with a claw): If we've never heard...
Ravil: Shut up, Cydric.
Cydric (chuckling obediently): That joke never gets old, Sire. Could you
say that again?
Ravil: I understand... Fron. We stand ready. Just say the word, and the
mighty armies of the Zerg Canadians shall burst forth and overwhelm our
Fron: Yes, I'm sure you will. Fron out. (the vid unit blips out. Ravil
stretches with satisfaction and turns to address his servent).
Ravil: This is glorious, Cydric! Glorius! The MFSROE movement is just the
thing to ensure our dominance over the cursed United States, and its
brainwashed citizens. After Maggot has devasted the world, the land above
shall be left in ruins... and we, secure in our caverns shall surge up and
take what remains in MY name! It's too perfect!
Cydric: Indeed, Si -
[Suddenly, the cavern begins to shake, and dirt starts to sift down from
the ceiling. Ravil and Cydric swivel about for no other reason, if only to
look like they're doing something about it.]
Ravil: What is that? Do something!
[The tumult gripping the throne room rises to a grinding crescendo.
Stalactites crash down to the floor below. Then, as abruptly as it begins,
the chaos ends. A circular patch of the throne room tile shatters, and
Turtle, General of the Canuckalisks emerges, puffing a cigar. How the cigar
could possibly be lit after its travel through the earth is conveniently
Turtle: You called?
Ravil: Turtle! You buffoon! Do you not realize how fragile the throne room
is, after all the times you and my other visitors have burrowed through the
Turtle: Aye. (He thinks a moment.)
[He disappears through the hole he'd created.]
Cydric: Burb? What in the name of the Overmind is burb?
[The ground trembles again, worse this time. Entire slabs of the ceiling fall off and clatter resoundedly. Ravil grits all of his 2000 teeth, making a noise slightly louder than the rest. After 3 seconds of extended tremors, Turtle tumbles through a wall, puffing the same cigar.]
Turtle: You called?
Ravil (eyes flashing): No. You have come at a most opportune time, however. Rally our troops. We will prepare to go to war alongside the being known as Maggott.
Turtle: Maggott? I eat maggots for breakfast. I thought our target was the United States.
Ravil (grinning sinisterly): That's been put on hold. This new alliance with Maggott could spell out a new era for the Canuckalisks. When he is done with Sephroth, no force on Earth shall remain to thwart the conquests of the Overmind!
Turtle (bowing, if you can imagine a turtle doing that): I hear and obey. When do we launch?
Ravil: We don't "launch". We await the signal. Or, we go when I say. We probably won't be needed, anyway. Let the humans slaughter each other for the time being.
Turtle (blinking): We wait?
Ravil (waving a claw dismissively): Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, get out of my sight. Y'know... Do that general thing that you do.
Turtle: Sir! Might I inquire...?
Turtle: What does this maggott have in store for the world?
Ravil (already heading back to his chair): Oh... Lasers, bombs. Weapons of mass destruction. Bio-agents...
Turtle (aghast): No actual fighting?
Ravil (surprised): Well, of course, fighting. Here and there. Sephroth's armies are pathetic in comparison to ours, though. I doubt there'll be much left...
[Turtle makes for the wall that he entered through, but stops before hopping into it. He takes a long draw on the cigar hanging from his maw and coughs. His shoulders slump.]
Turtle: My lord, there is no finesse to this battle! What of ripping the enemy to shreads with tooth and claw? What of the beautiful screams of innocents as we disembowel them? And what's more, what of that guest spot we had planned on the Jerry Springer show? Think of the carnage! ... There is nothing for us in this hollow battle!
Ravil: I say there is. You are out of line, General.
Turtle: You fail to listen to the whispers of the Overmind. I will have no part in this.
[Ravil growls deeply. Cydric, who has turned to his favorite copy of "Playbug", now favors cowering instead. The King of the Canuckalisks raises his head and booms at his former comrade.]
Ravil: So be it, Turtle. I hereby ostracise you from the Canuckalisks. If you cannot submit to my will, then you do not have the qualities of a Zerg leader! You are removed of your rank and command. Furthermore... I am deleting your name from the Canuckalisk newsletter.
Turtle: Hmmmm... That's pretty evil. But I won't come crawling back! I have supporters... The board members of the British Columbian land commission, the undead extras on the X-Files... all of Celine Dion's scorned suitors. I shall seek out the opponents of this "Maggott", and we shall prevail. Hopefully, their leader is more soulless than you.
Ravil (stiffens): Goodbye, Turtle. You were a lousy bit actor. Perhaps you shall serve me better in death... as a helmet! Guards! Sieze Turtle, and execute him!
[The ground erupts, as the several Canuckalisks on call come to carry out their master's orders. Unfortunately, their appearance throws the room into bedlam. Boulders thunder down, and dust cloaks everything. When the disaster dies down, Turtle is nowhere to be seen.]