Zerg Canadians


The Shadows in the Hive
By Palin

The Shadows in the Hive

As the trio landed on the ash world, they noticed their surroundings were devoid of life. Thinking this odd for a planet such as Char, they crept off the Shuttle and searched their surroundings. From a distance, they looked an odd group: a dwarf, a hydralisk and what appeared to be a human. They seemed to be searching for friends, since they had repeatedly shouted "Cydric!" or "Turtle!". The one who was watching them was no less odd. A Shadow he was, a Dark minion of the Overmind. Or at least they once had been...

(Scene sets at the Zerg Canadian's Head Quarters. Ravil has been sitting with Cydric, talking over a cup of tea.)

Ravil: Cydric, this tea is horrible! Where did you get it?

Cydric: Tea?

Ravil: Yes! You know, those little bags you put in hot water to give it flavor!

Cydric: I knew I forgot something!

(Ravil stares at the hot water with disgust, noticing only now that the color was just rust. Nonetheless, he continues to drink.)

Ravil: Ah, Cydric, how long have we been on this accursed planet now?

Cydric: Umm... I forget.

Ravil: Me too. Still, I grow weary of this life.

Cydric: Sir, what do you mean?

Ravil: I mean this! This-

(Ravil points his claws around the ominous cavern.)

Ravil: I hate being away from the Swarm. So long have we tried to get out of this wretched banishment, so long have we failed. The United States still stands, Palin was a huge failure.

Palin: Ach, whew said me name?

Ravil: Oh, it was... that guy-

(Ravil points toward a random Cannuckalisk, who stares in horror as Palin draws his axe and approaches the beast.)

Ravil: As I was saying, we'll never get back to Char!

Cydric: I don't know sir... maybe if we-

Ravil: Go to Disneyland?

Cydric: Why, sir, you read my mind!

Ravil: Cydric.

Cydric: Yes?

Ravil: Shut up.

Cydric: But-

Ravil: Shush!

Cydric: Bu-

Ravil: I said SHUSH!

Cydric: ... Yes sir.

(Ravil brightens.)

Ravil: But, Cydric, you have now given me inspiration! It all makes sense to me! All we have to do, all we ever had to do is so simple. I can't believe I'd never thought of it. It is amazing that it has slipped my mind for all these years, all we have to do is-

Cydric: Sir.

Ravil: Not now, I'm making a speech!

Cydric: I think this is important...

Ravil: What could be more important than returning to Char?

Cydric: There's someone behind you.

Ravil: I don't see why that's so import-

(Ravil stops as he turns his head to see the Shadow looming behind him.)

Ravil: A... a Shadow! What are you doing here?

Shadow: By order of the new Overmind, the rogue Hunter-Killer Ravil is to be brought to the planet Char to stand trial for his crimes against his race and his plans for betraying the Shadows. Also, the Zerg Canadians are also to return to Char so as to be held prisoner until such a time as Ravil's punishment is taken out and they can return to their exile... on separate planets!

Cydric: Did you hear that sir? We're going home!

(Ravil simply stares ahead with a blank look. For it is known to all, or most, Zerg that a trial truly means finding which punishment would be most excruciating.)

Ravil: This... can't be happening.

(Palin returns, his axe wet with Cannuckalisk blood.)

Palin: What be happening, lads?

Cydric: We're going home!

Palin: ...Home? This be me home, lad. What, be ye daft?

Ravil: No, our home... Char... I'm going home...

Palin: Well, lads, ye can count me out. I've never heard o' this Char place and I dunna plan on goin' there.

Shadow: I'm afraid I have to insist.

Palin: Really? And whew might yew be?

Ravil: Palin, stand down. You can't beat him.

Palin: Ach, I beg to differ!

(Palin charges with his bloody axe, but the Shadow is already gone. Turning around Palin sets eyes on the Shadow behind him for a split second, then he saw nothing but black.)

Cydric: Eep! You killed him!

Shadow: He's alive... barely. We shall not harm him, lest the prophecy may occur... something I'm sure YOU would like, traitor.

Ravil: Believe what you want, I am no traitor.


(Scene sets upon Char. A Council of the Shadows in the Hive is taking place. One shadow stands out among the rest, sitting on golden-plated chair, while all others occupy silver-colored chairs of likewise proportion.)

Master Shadow: You all know why we have gathered here today?

Shadow: Yes.

Shadow: Of course.

Shadow: Why would we not?

Shadow: Maybe one of us was busy!

Shadow: Was it I?

Shadow: No, I was busy!

Shadow: I was too!

Shadow: Yeah, busy eating!

Master: Order! Order!

Shadows: Sorry.

Master: For those who don't know, we are here to discuss the punishment of Ravil, the self-proclaimed 'King of the Cannuckalisks".

Shadow: Dreadful beasts, I would prefer Guardians any day.

Shadow: I'm more a Hydralisk man myself.

Shadow: you would be!

Shadow: What's that supposed to mean?

Shadow: What do you think it means? Kill him!

Shadows: Fight! Fight!

Master: Stop this at once! We are the Shadows in the Hive, not a bunch of mindless Zerglings. We can settle things rationally.

Shadows: ... Fight! Fight!


(The Master shows a display of power, slicing two particular Shadows jeering the others into a battle, into fine schnitzel.)

Master: As I was saying, we are much more mature than those puny little Zerg that fight our wars. Commander, what do you think should be done to the traitor?

Commander: I think... we should kill him!

Shadows: Yeah! Kill! Kill! Fight! Fight!

Master: Silence!

(The Master draws a gavel made of the bone of a creature strewn to the skull of another... a very flat skull.)

Master: Now, we must vote before taking any action. All for killing Ravil?

Shadow: I!

Shadow: I!

Shadows: I!

Master: All opposed?

Shadow: Me.

Master: Well, it's an almost unanimous vote... actually, I think I want a unanimous vote.

(The Master heaves his gavel at the Shadow who spoke the meek little opposition, crushing his skull in.)

Master: It's unanimous! The traitor will die!

Shadows: YAY! YAY! Kill! Kill! Fight! Fight!

(Two Shadows start fighting each other while the Shadows begin betting.)

Master: Order! Order! Just kidding, fight! Fight!

(The Master bets on the larger of the two. The smaller, being quite fast, ends up tripping his opponent and bashes his head in. The Master, annoyed at his loss of money, quickly slaughters the winner.)

Master: A tie! No one wins!

(The Shadows who bet on the winner sigh over the money they could have won.)



(Scene sets in a cavern deep below Canadian soil. Ravil has just been taken away, while Palin, Sofielisk, Infested Aura, Cydric, Turtletoo and the Cannuckalisk Geek are all awaiting the shuttle which will take them to Char.)

Aura: This is pointless! I've never even been to Char before!

Sofielisk: Me either, although I'm guessing this body was... perhaps we could find a way to seize control of the Hive clusters there...

Palin: I don't care what ye're doin', lass, but I for one am never gunna go!

Cydric: But what about Ravil?

Turtletoo: Cydric, we can never save him! He's in the hands of the Shadows, not to mention the fact that we won't be able to disobey the Overmind.

Cydric: Oh... Hmmm...

Sofielisk: Hmmm...

Geek: *Grunt* (Hmmm...)

Palin: Ach, then I'll save Ravil meself!

Aura: I seem to have the choice to serve the Overmind as a slave... or save Ravil and perhaps control this planet!

Sofielisk: And I can help, the Overmind won't be able to get to me!

Sassy: Or me!

Jasmine: Or me!

Palin: Then it be settled, the three of us...

Jasmine and Sassy: Grrr...

Palin: Err, I mean the five of us, we had best stay behind a bit longer so we can form a plan.

(Everyone stares at Palin with a blank look.)

Palin: Ach, I mean we can... uh... KEEL THEM ALL!

Others: Hurrah!

Palin: Ach! I almost fergot someone! DORRIS!

(Just as Palin shouts, Dorris the Infested Mule of Doom(tm) comes trotting in.)

Dorris: Well then, I'll go ahead with Cydric, Turtle and the Geek to insure that all's well on Char.

Palin: Ach, you're a friggin' mule! Talk like one!

Dorris: Quite frankly, this author is too lazy to put in accents now.

Palin: Understood. While you four go, we'll stay back and plot Ravil's escape plan.

(Suddenly, a Shadow materializes out of the wall.)

Shadow: The shuttle is waiting, who will be first?

(Dorris, Cydric, the Geek and Turtle board the shuttle. The Shadow departs and the shuttle takes off.)

Palin: Well, let's get busy!

(Music starts playing, a few scenes flash by of Palin, Sofie and Aura working in a lab, jotting notes, and playing instruments.)

Zerg Canadian Band: ~/ I've been telling everybody that you're my girl, 'cause I'm not one to be shy. You don't have to come with me if you don't wanna, just tell everybody I'm your guy... \~

Aura: Palin!

Sofie: Palin!

Sassy: Palin!

Jasmine: PALIN!

(Palin's Hallucination ends.)

Aura: Palin, we have to get started!

Palin: Oh, right.

(And the horrible rip-off of South Park ends, and all rejoice.)


(Scene sets in the landing zone on Char. A Shadow's shuttle has just landed and out walk Cydric, Turtle, the Geek and Dorris.)

Dorris: I sense a disturbance in the force...

Turtle: *cough*Rip-Off*cough*

Dorris: Quiet you!

(Dorris uses the Force to throw Turtle into a nearby crater. Suddenly, three odd-looking people appear.)

Eye of the Night: You're not allowed to use the force!

Darth Furby: Yes! Only we are!

Darthninny: Uh... yeah!

Dorris: Oh SHUT UP!

(Dorris uses the Force to blast the SITH (Hahaha, it stands for Shadows in the Hive) back to Earth.)

Dorris: Yay!

Cydric: Wow! Can you blast me to Disneyland?

Dorris: Sure thing!

(Dorris uses the force to blast Cydric to the Disney Theme Park.)


(Scene sets in Euro-Disney. A Defiler falls from the sky, but no one else is there.)

Cydric: ...Argh, laddie.


(Scene sets upon the main Char landing zone. A new shuttle appears over the horizon, carrying Palin, Aura and Sofie. The ship lands.)

Palin: Ach! Where be everyone?

Aura: I don't know... this seems odd, a Zerg planet with no visible life...

Sofielisk: Well, none of us have ever been here before, so we'd best search for the others.

(The trio look around and begin shouting names.)

Sofielisk: Cydric!

Aura: Turtle!

Palin: Dorris!

(The three continue searching, not knowing the being that is watching them.)

Shadow: Yes, I knew they would come! That pathetic dwarf won't stop me this time! I'll kill them all! HAHAHA!

(The Shadow quickly disappears.)

Palin: Ach! They're nowhere to be found, lasses.

Sofielisk: How can we find Ravil without a guide!

(The three look around, apparently waiting for something.)

Sofielisk: I said, how can we find Ravil without a guide!

(Suddenly, slightly off cue, Voice appears.)

Voice: Hello again, Palin!

Palin: You! KEEL!

(Palin charges at voice, but the spirit is too quick and dodges.)

Voice: Now, now, I don't blame you for being mad...

Palin: Ye tried to kill us all!

Voice: I'm on your side now, dwarf! You need a guide, don't you?

Palin: Aye.

Voice: And I know my way around the planet, which would make me your guide.

Palin: Aye

Voice: So...

Palin: So... KEEL!

(Palin lunges at Voice again, but Sofielisk and Aura hold him back.)

Aura: Palin, as evil or whatever as he may be, we need him.

Palin: Ach, fine! I seppose I can handle 'im for a wee bit.

Voice: Excellent! Let's get going then! This way, this way, follow me to Ravil!

(The spirit floats off and the Zerg Canadians follow it.)


(Scene sets just outside a SITH base. Palin, Aura, Sofie and Voice are watching the area from afar.)

Palin: Ach, so how would we go about getting in there, laddie?

Voice: I don't really care, I'll just tell you that's where Ravil's being held. I'm leaving now, bye.

(Voice disappears.)

Aura: Great! Now how do we get in?

Palin: Don't worry, lass, luckily I have me very own Dark-wich(tm).

Aura: What, pray tell, is a Dark-wich?

Palin: Tis the very first sandwich, in fact. Long ago, it was resurrected by necromancers and it turned a wee bit evil. But I control the thing.

Sofielisk: And you have never used this before because?

Palin: Well... because...

(Palin points the Dark Sandwich at Sofielisk and she simply looks at him.)

Sofielisk: Oh, I see...

Aura: You see what?

Sofielisk: I don't know...

Aura: Wow! That thing's strong, let me have it!

Palin: But you don't want it...

(Palin points the Sandwich at Aura.)

Aura: What the hell is wrong with you? I don't want that old rotting sandwich.


(The three walk down to the encampment. Just outside, they are pulled into a small cavern in the hill they were on.)

Cydric: We found them!

Turtle: Excellent.

Palin: Ach! Tis about time, laddies.

Sofie: Hey, I thought you guys couldn't help.

Cydric: Well, not directly... but we can help you cheat.

Turtle: This area, it is the most well defended defense in the entire defenses of the Zerg defense manual!

Cannuckalisks: Ooh, Ah!

Palin: Aye, luckily I have me Dark-Wich(tm)!

Cydric: Can I see?

Palin: NO!

(Dorris trots in.)

Dorris: Gurgfirgurg ~They've spotted us~

Palin: They have?

Dorris: Gurg ~Yes~

Palin: Are you sure?

Dorris: FIRG ~I already said yes, you moron! Why do people always ask the same question twice when I've already given them the freaking answer! You know what! You can all go to hell, I'm leaving!~

(Dorris flies away, back to Earth which can somehow be seen off Char even though they're nowhere near each other.)

Palin: Well that sucks.

(Suddenly, an anvil falls on Fjorxc.)

Fjorxc: Owie! Now again!

(Fjorxc trips and falls off of the face of Char, plummeting to earth. His body can be seen burning in the atmosphere.)

Cydric: Pretty...

(Cydric begins to drool.)

Palin: Ach! The Author is going away from the storyline! Quick! We have to do stuff!

(Everyone else starts doing the Pu-Pu.)

Palin: Well, then I guess it's up to me.

(Palin exits the cave and heads towards the SITH Encampment.)



(Scene sets as a SITH guard is sitting at his post, sleeping. A figure leaps from behind him, decapitating the sentinel without a noise. Concealing the body, Palin continues. He creeps to the next cavern within the encampment, but quickly hides outside and listens.)

Shadow: You come to execution?

Shadow: Yeah, be funny, Ravil die.

Shadow: Hahaha! Funny.

(One Shadow begins to exit. Palin enters and quickly chops down the other.)

Shadow: AUGH!

(Before Palin can squelch him, the Shadow let out a weak cry and died. The other Shadow, hearing the sound, was returning to investigate. Acting quickly, Palin spoke a few words.)

Palin: Elprunhs! Khenranas! Elenethrorin!

(The Guard falls asleep and Palin quickly kills him and continues on his way to save Ravil.)


(Scene sets in the SITH council chamber.)

Master: This news is not well, we did not anticipate the Zerg Canadians fighting back, how can they disobey our commands?

Shadow: Master, the ones that fight us... they are unknown. The dwarf, Palin, is fighting with an apparent human and a normal looking hydralisk.

Master: This is bad... we must speed up the execution!

Shadow: I will send news at once!

(The Shadow vanishes.)

Master: This is not working... but he still does not know...


(Scene sets in the cave which the Zerg Canadians are dwelling in.)

Cydric: Pu-Pu!

Sofielisk: Pu-Pu!

Aura: Pu-Pu!

Turtle: My cigar!

(Turtle crumples to the floor and gets trampled by some Cannuckalisks doing the Pu-Pu.)


(Scene sets outside Ravil's stasis cell, Palin has made it past all the guards while we weren't looking, and Ravil can't speak.)

Palin: Ach, don't worry lad, I'll get ye' out of there.

Ravil: ~ Great, I barely have any speaking role at all in this, and now I'm in a friggin stasis cell! ~

(Palin takes out his axe and starts chipping away at the cell while several Shadows appear behind him.)

Shadow: Look out, the traitor's about to be free!

(The Shadows grab Palin.)

Palin: Get your hands off me you, dirty flea!

(Palin gets out of the Shadow's grasp.)

Shadows: He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!

Palin: I can sinnnnnngg!

Shadows: He can talk, he can talk, he can talk-

Shadow: Ohh, help us Master Shadow!

Shadows: Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Ooohhh, Master Shadow, Master Shadow Master Shadow, Master Shadow.

Palin: What's wrong with him Master?

Master: He's a traitor!

Palin: Can I get a second opinion?

Master: He also laid her-

(Master points at approaching Sofielisk.)

Shadows: Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Master Shadow, Master Shadow...

Palin: Can I use the DarkWich any more?

Master: Well of course you can!

Palin: Well, I couldn't before!

(Palin takes out the DarkWich.)

Shadows: Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Master Shadow, Master Shadow...

Palin: Well, Master Shadow, you don't want Ravil, he's your friend, you wanna kill Gaval!

Shadows: Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Master Shadow, Master Shadow...

Master: It all makes sense, it's not Ravil I want! Free the poor lad, now change the font!

Shadows: Master Shadow, Master Shadow.... Master Shadow, Master Shadow....

(Palin frees Ravil and the Zerg Canadians fly back to Earth, returning to their exile.)


(Scene sets in CWAL HQ.)

Gaval: Lalalalala... Killing eval, lalala- AUGH!

(Gaval is grabbed by several Shadows and disappears.)

Mu: Did you hear something?

Dark Chrono: I don't have ears.

Mu: Oh... did I hear something?

Dark Chrono: I don't know!



Return to the ZERG CANADIAN main page.