Zerg Canadians


Invasion of the Zerg Canadians - Conclusion
By _Ravil

(Scene: A small Music World outlet not too far from the Headquarters. Fjorxc charges in screaming and slams the door behind him, as a giant Canuckalisk skids up beside the building in hot pursuit. However, the concept of a closed door perplexes the beast, so it loses interest and heads off down the street to give chase to an old lady.)

Clerk: Um…may I help you?

(Fjorxc is sprawled out in a heap on the floor, panting and exhausted. Still, he manages to pull himself up to the desk.)

Fjorxc: Sp-sp-sp…

Clerk: What?

Fjorxc: Spice Girls…*pant*…give…me…Spice Girls…

Clerk: Spice Girls? Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but we’re all sold out. That young lady over there just bought the last CD.

(Fjorxc turns to see a little girl of about 10 clutching the CD in her hands, about to leave the store. Girls of that age are the only ones who would possibly listen to it of their own free will.)

Fjorxc: Wait! WAIT!!

(The little girl turns, and the deranged CWALer walks over after catching his breath.)

Fjorxc: Please! I need that CD! I’ll give you double what you paid for it!

Girl: (Sticking out her tongue.) No. It’s mine. You can’t have it!

Fjorxc: I’ll give you triple!

Girl: No!

Fjorxc: Quadruple!

Girl: No! Go away!

Fjorxc: I don’t have time for this! GIVE ME THAT!

(As the pilot lunges for it, the young girl jams one of the heels on her shoes onto his foot.)

Fjorxc: (Grasping his foot and hopping around in pain) OWWWW!

(The girl sticks out her tongue one last time and prepares to leave. Fed up, Fjorxc draws his trusty Walther PPK and aims it at her head.)

Fjorxc: Okay, kid, I tried to be civil, but noooo, you wouldn’t listen. Now hand over that CD, or I’ll…

(Without hesitation, the little girl reaches into her shirt and pulls out a loaded Uzi, which she points at Fjorxc. This is, after all, America.)


(He dives for cover as the little girl sprays the room with machine-gun fire. Glass display cases are blown apart, and the Clerk scurries away. Fjorxc manages to scramble behind a rack of CDs for cover.)


(Bullets ricochet dangerously close as the possessed little girl savagely attacks the CWALer.)

Fjorxc: Geez, and they say that playing violent video games warps minds…(He reaches over and returns fire.) DIE, SCUM-SUCKING SPAWN OF SATAN!!

(The little girl dodges and pushes open the door.)

Little Girl: So long, sucker! HAHA—AAAAA!!!

(No sooner does she step outside than a Canuckalisk happening by scoops her up with its mighty tusks and carries her off for a snack. The CD is thrown high into the air. Fjorxc makes an incredible running dive, sliding out onto the cement before the precious weapon can hit the ground and shatter.)

Fjorxc: *WHEW*

(Making sure that the coast is clear, Fjorxc makes a dash back towards the alley where Sofielisk awaits impatiently.)

Sofie: I heard gunshots. You didn’t hold that place up, did you?

Fjorxc: No. (Hands her the CD) Whatever you do, don’t leave it on for too long. The long-term effects ain’t pretty.

(Hiding the CD in one of the needle spine pockets in her upper carapace, Sofie nods and ducks around the corner towards CWAL Headquarters. Fjorxc sits down and resumes his game of tic-tac-toe.)


(Inside the CWAL Headquarters, all of the Zerg Canadians are giving Ravil a particularly wide berth. The mighty, illustrious, infallible King of the Canuckalisks is cranky, to say the least. His great and glorious plans have gone completely awry. He now realizes that the map he obtained at the Blizzard Secret Bunker might not have been completely accurate.)

Ravil: If I ever lay eyes upon that lying, conniving CEO again, I swear I’ll…

(He is interrupted as Cydric waddles up.)

Cydric: Um…I know this is probably a bad time, sire, but the troops wanted me to ask you when we were going to Disneyland.


(Cydric yelps in panic and retreats back behind the coffee bar. None of the CWALers dares to speak.)

Ravil: It appears that I have no further use for any of you sorry bunch now, either. Canuckalisks, you may kil…

(Suddenly, the front door swings open. Ravil turns, prepared to explode again.)

Sofielisk: Hello there, handsome.


(Ravil’s eyes go as wide as saucers as the female Hydralisk struts in.)

Ravil: Va-va-voom!! Hello there!

(Cydric sticks his head over the counter. Not being a Hydralisk, he sees nothing particularly attractive about Sofie, so he sounds the alarm.)

Cydric: Intruder alert! Canuckalisks, attack!

Ravil: No, stand down! (Turns back to Sofielisk.) And what might YOUR name be?

Sofie: (Getting REALLY close and rubbing right up alongside Ravil.) My name’s Sofielisk…but you can call me Sofie.

Sassy: Or Sassy!

Sofie: Shut up!

(Ravil stares on, a bit confused by the multiple personalities, but Sofie quickly recovers.)

Sofie: What I mean to say is, you can call me anything you like.

Ravil: Oh, okay. I’m Ravil, the King of the Canuckalisks. (Grins slyly and employs an old Zerg pick-up line.) Hey, what do you say we got out back and make some larvae together, hmmm?

(Sofie runs a claw gently across Ravil’s chin.)

Sofie: Okay, big boy. Just let me go to the back room and…freshen up my spines.

Ravil: (Nods eagerly) Go ahead. Take your time.

(Sofie slips into the back room, and Cydric takes the opportunity to scamper up to his master.)

Cydric: Sire, are you sure this is such a good idea?

Ravil: Shut up, Cydric.

Cydric: (Unhappily) Yes, sire…

(In the back room, Sofie quietly removes the deadly CD out of her carapace and moves towards the computer mainframe.)

Sofie: (Whispering) Rask? Rask, wake up! Rask!

Rask: (Having drifted off into "sleep" mode.) Wha…wha…Sofie? Is that you?

Sofie: Shhhh! Yes, it is! Open up your CD drive! Hurry!

(The computer obediently opens up, and the female Hydralisk pops the Spice Girls album in.)

Sofie: Now play this as loud as you can, got me?

Rask: Yes ma’am. Mind telling me what’s going on?

Sofie: Yes, I do! Just play the damn thing!

Rask: (Grumbling) You humanoids are all alike…

(The CD drive retracts, there are a few seconds of humming, and then all hell breaks loose. The lyrics, the beat, the melody, all merge together in a symphony of unparalleled atrocity. It’s all that Sofie can do just to remain conscious.)

Rask: (Sparks are already flying from her hard drive.) If you’re gonna do something, Sofie…*FZZT*…do it fast. I don’t know how…*FZZT*…long I can hold…

(Focusing all of her concentration, Sofie staggers back out to the coffee shop, where the Spice Girls’ song is killing more than a healthy number of brain cells.)

Ravil: (Rolling on the floor in pain.) Cydric!!!

Cydric: (In equal pain) Must…blot…out…

(Staggering forward, Sofie spots Intruder glued to the wall, the only CWALer present that is not affected by the hideous shrieking sounds pouring out of Rask. With all of her remaining strength, Sofielisk slices through the Canuckalisk mucous that imprisons him, and then collapses. Intruder bursts free of his cocoon, and brandishes his famed SunSword™. Moving as fast as he can, he slices free the rest of the CWALers. Suddenly, Rask’s sound card explodes from the overload of bad music, and the hideous noises stop. The only sounds now are the heavy breathing of the thankful survivors on the floor. Nearly five whole minutes pass before anyone is recovered enough to do anything. Finally, though, Dark Chrono and Ravil rise at the same time.)

Ravil: *Pant* You think you’ve *pant* won, don’t you, *pant* Protoss? You and your *pant* foul deceptions.

Dark Chrono: The thought had crossed my mind. Surrender now and we’ll let you return to Canada in peace, since this was all a mistake.

Ravil: Never! (His Canuckalisks begin to rise up behind him.) We shall never surrender! Capital or not, we shall tear this cursed city to the ground!

Dark Chrono: Not if we have anything to say about it! (The CWALers are now beginning to rise as well.) CWALers, are you with me?

CWALers: Yes!!

Ravil: Good! Then let this be a battle to the death! Canuckalisks…charge!!

Dark Chrono: CWALers…attack!!

(The two forces collide in the middle of the HQ, but the fighting quickly spills out into the street, where there is more room to maneuver. The rest of the Canuckalisks, called from the streets of Irvine by the sounds of battle, quickly and eagerly join the fray. It is, after all, what they live for.)

Dragoneyes: Okay boys, its payback time!

(Lifting off of the ground with the beat of her mighty wings, Dragoneyes positions herself above the conflict, and employs her fiery breath against a nearby Canuckalisk. Just emerging from the battered HQ, Cydric spots this.)

Cydric: Hey toots! Comin’ at ya!

(He releases another Dark Swarm, this time straight at the human/dragon hybrid. But she sees it coming, and brings her flames around to meet them. The tiny insects are rapidly incinerated by the fire.)

Dragoneyes: MY NAME IS NOT "TOOTS"!!!

(Seeing that this was not such a bright idea, Cydric makes a hasty retreat, just in time to avoid being roasted by Dragoneyes. He doesn’t get far, though, as Pez brings down the blunt end of his spatula onto the Defiler’s head.)

Dragoneyes: Thanks Pez!

Pez: No prob! Hey DE, after this is all over, do you want to…

Dragoneyes: (Glares viciously) Don’t make me toast you too!

(Elsewhere, though, the fight is not going so well for the CWALers. Seraph has been backed into a corner by a Canuckalisk, blazing away with his schmisser submachine gun. However, the rounds are woefully inadequate against the Canuckalisk’s super-dense carapace. With a mighty swipe of its tusks, it tears the gun from his hands.)

Seraph: (Closing his eyes and holding out his hands to ward off in inevitable.) AAAAAAHHHH!

(Suddenly, a ball of holy fire shoots out from his arms unconsciously and engulfs the beast. It gives out a roar of pain and protest, and then is consumed by the flames completely. When Seraph opens his eyes a few seconds later, all that remains of the Zerg Canadian is a burn mark on the ground.)

Seraph: *WHEW*!

(The roar of powerful engines cut through the chaos of battle as Fjorxc’s Orca tears overhead, an angel of death to his enemies.)


(He releases a salvo of missiles, which quickly tear up the street and send friend and foe alike sailing into the air.)

(Towards the center of the fighting, Dark Chrono and Ravil are once more facing off against eachother.)

Dark Chrono: You forfeited your chance to end this peaceably, foul one. Now you and your kind must pay the price!

Ravil: No CODs, please. (He roars and leaps forward. The two clash with raw fury…psi-blades on claws, Protoss on Zerg. The hatred in the air is almost palpable as they duel. However, so much of DC’s energy was sapped by the Spice Girls music that it is obvious to all bystanders that Ravil is gaining the upper hand. Suddenly, the fighting pauses as a huge flash of light fills the Irvine sky. For a few seconds the glare is too much to see through. But then, a clear figure emerges in the middle of it.)

Lothos: (Completing his spell)…Kanadandarum, RI!!

(Dark Clouds gather over the California battlefield and the Death Knight spell begins to take effect. Cyclones forming from the depths of the underworld take shape, and begin to pull the startled Zerg Canadians off the ground.)

Ravil: Noooo! We’re not finished yet!

(One by one, the Canuckalisks are sucked up through the Cyclones and shot out the other side like massive bullets, high into the sky. The King of the Canuckalisks is the last to go.)

Ravil: (Already being sucked upwards) Don’t think you’re safe just yet, Americans! We’ll be back! Mark my words!!

(Finally, the Hydralisk is pulled away and whipped into the air. The storms subside and the skies quickly clear. Cheers erupt from the gathered CWALers.)

Fron: Looks like we’ve won the day yet again, despite the staggering odds.

Dark Chrono: …And this time we owe it all to Sofielisk. Good job, all three of you! That was quite the act you put on!

(Sofielisk is staring up into the sky after the departed King of the Canuckalisks.)

Snapper: Sofie? Hellooooo…

(The Modified Hydralisk snaps back into reality.)

Sofie: Hmm?

Dark Chrono: That WAS just an act, wasn’t it?

Sofie: (Mind still wandering skywards) Yeah…yeah, whatever you say, DC…

(The CWALers head back into the HQ, and survey the damage caused by the rampant Zerg Canadians. The huge hole in the floor is of particular interest.)

Lothos: Hmmm….what are we going to do about THIS?

Snapper: Hey, how about a swimming pool?

(The CWALers all exchange glances. Then Fron runs to go get the hose.)


(The peaceful day in Calgary, Canada is broken as a series of dots blot out the sun over Glenmore Resevoir. Seconds later, the greater body of the Zerg Canadian army tumbles from the sky and splashes down in the large body of water, flooding the Bow River yet again. Ravil, Cydric, and the Canuckalisks drag themselves onto the shore, gasping for air. The Canuckalisks begin to shake themselves off like dogs, soaking the remainder of the city.)

Cydric: Sire?

Ravil: (Sighs) Yes, Cydric?

Cydric: What about Disneyland? You said we would go!

(Ravil hesitates a moment, then smacks Cydric upside the head.)

Ravil: Shut up, Cydric.


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