Zerg Canadians


Invasion of the Zerg Canadians - Part 3
By _Ravil

(Scene: CWAL Headquarters. The hostage situation in the nation's capital that has held the hearts and minds of the rest of the country is now entering its second hour.)

Dark Chrono: For the last time, this is NOT the capital!

(Oh, right. The hostage situation in Irvine, California WOULD have held the hearts and minds of the rest of the country, provided that anybody knew where that was.)

Dark Chrono: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Ravil: Shut up! This is MY scene!

(Most of the CWALers are still plastered to the walls of their own Headquarters, held in place by hardened Zerg mucous. The exception is Talruum, who is being used as a soccer ball by a pack of Canuckalisks somewhere outside. Ravil, King of the Canuckalisks, has been taking great pleasure in subjecting each CWAL member to the dreaded Zerg Canadian hairdryer torture.)

Ravil: Out with it! YOU are President Clinton, aren't you? AREN'T YOU???

The Infamous Beaver: No...I...am...not...

(The hairdryer blasts away without remorse in TIB's face. His fur is now all blown back, making him resemble a junkyard animal more than a beaver.)

Fron: Quite an improvement, actually.

Snapper: Hey, Fron, you're the Emperor of Canada, aren't you? Why didn't you know about these Zerg Canadians?

Fron: It's Canada. Nobody every cared enough to ask, I suppose...

Arcturus: You never even SUSPECTED that there were hundreds of Zerg milling around right under your feet?

Fron: Hmm...well, when I was two, I thought that every night there were monsters that lived in my closet...

Cydric: Actually, we were under your bed.

(Fron gasps in realization.)

Fron: You bastards! What did you do with Mr. Fluffy Bunny?

(Cydric reaches into one of the crevasses in his back which houses every parasite and venom that a Defiler could ever ask for, and produces an age-old stuffed bunny rabbit. Its coat is mangled and covered with tiny insects, both eyes are missing, and one ear has been torn off. Fron's eyes go wide with recognition and fury as he futilely attempts to break his bonds.)

Fron: Nooo! Mr. Fluffy Bunny! What have then DONE to you? *SOB*

Snapper: Put that away! He's only a child!

Fron: (Still crying)...I am *SNIFF* not!

(Ravil has now given up with the hair dryer, and begins to pace in front of the CWALers.)

Ravil: Fine...if you want to play rough, then we shall. If you do not reveal to me which of you is the President of the United States, then I shall execute you one at a time until you do.

Arcturus: Good. Start with that crybaby over there.

Fron: Shut up, Arcturus! Losing that stuffed toy at such a young age traumatized me for life!

Arcturus: And oh, how it shows...

Fron: Paintball freak!

Arcturus: Crybaby! Want your mommy?

(Ravil shakes his head in disbelief.)

Ravil: This is definitely not going according to plan...


(A few blocks away from CWAL Headquarters, Fjorxc and Sofielisk have been holed up in an alleyway, trying to escape the Canuckalisks rampaging through the streets. Fjorxc, realizing that the situation is pretty much hopeless, has resigned himself to sitting and playing tic-tac-toe on the wall with himself until he starves.)

Fjorxc: Yahoo! I win again!

(Sofielisk is becoming quite annoyed with her new partner's lack of will to do anything.)

Sofie: Fjorxc, for the last time, get OFF your lazy butt and DO something about those things! You're the one with the gun!

Jasmine: Oh, wait a go, Sofie! Way to sweet talk him into it!

Sofie: Shut up, miss goody-goody. He's been sitting there for almost an hour now!

Jasmine: I KNOW that! But being a smart-alec isn't going to help at all!

(Fjorxc finally turns around, annoyed by Sofielisk's conflicting personalities.)

Fjorxc: Look, cut that out! You know how it freaks me!

Sofie: Speaking of freaks...

Jasmine: Oh, bravo! Real smooth, Sofie.

(Sofielisk's third personality barges into the conversation uninvited.)

Sassy: What seems to be the trouble?

Sofie: This dip here won't do anything! The others are in trouble, and...

Jasmine: (Accusingly)...SHE won't even bother to use the word "please"!

Fjorxc: STOP THAT!!

Sassy: I think I can help there. (Smiles sweetly.) Fjorxc?

Fjorxc: What?

Sassy: Remember that lobotomy I was discussing the other day?

(Fjorxc is suddenly on his feet and eager to help, forgetting his game in mid-move.)

Fjorxc: All right, all right! I'll help! Just keep those claws away from my brain!

Sassy: (Genuinely disappointed.) Awww...

Sofie: Don't worry, Sassy, we'll find Jolt and let you cut him up again when we're finished, okay?

(Sassy nods eagerly.)

Sofie: Great. Now what we need is a plan...

Jasmine: Maybe if we ask nicely?

Sassy: You stay out of this!

Sofie: Yeah, you're not evil enough!

(Jasmine goes off to sulk while the other two personalities ponder the situation. Fjorxc declines to comment. Meanwhile, a veritable lynch mob of Canuckalisks charges past the alley in pursuit of a school bus.)

Fjorxc: Look, if we're going to do something, we'd best do it fast, before there's not much of a city left.

Sofie: I'm thinking...

Sassy: Wait a minute! Those creatures are mortal, aren't they?

Sofie: I suppose so...they look like some kind of odd strain of Ultralisk to me.

Sassy: Right! We can't fight them, we can't escape from them, and we certainly can't stay here forever. But we might be able to employ something to our advantage; the most horrible and deadly weapon known to this planet!

Fjorxc: (Gasps in horror.) You can't mean...

Sassy: Yes! The Spice Girls! No mortal creature can stand their singing and stay sane. If we can somehow play a CD of theirs inside the HQ, then these rogue Zerg will be reduced to helplessness for certain!

(Upon hearing this, Jasmine rejoins the conversation.)

Jasmine: You can't be serious! What about our friends and teammates in there?

Sophie: Well, some of them are bound to survive.

Sassy: Actually, the odds on that are...

Jasmine: Fine! If you're going to resort to this desperate and brutal course of action, then I can see that I'm not going to be of much use in this story. Good-bye!!

(Jasmine storms off into the depths of Sofielisk's subconscious.)

Sofie: Good riddance!

Sassy: Good riddance!

Fjorxc: What?

Sofie: Never mind. First of all, we have to get our hands on a...*shudder*...Spice Girls CD. Then we have to get it over to the HQ and play it.

Fjorxc: How? The stereo's still busted...Pez tried to toast an eggo waffle in it, remember?

Sofie: Crap! Wait a minute, what about Rask?

Fjorxc: The computer??

Sassy: Sure! She has a CD player built into her! If we can get the disc to her, then she can do the rest!

Fjorxc: Unless Pez was tinkering with the speakers again...

Sofie: Stop being such a pessimist. It'll work! It's us, after all.

Fjorxc: That's what I'm afraid of. And speaking of that, how do we get into the HQ? There's a half-dozen of those big Zerg beasties in there as well!

Sofie: YOU worry about getting the Spice Girls CD, flyboy. WE'LL worry about getting us in.

Fjorxc: (Rolls his eyes.) Pleeeeaase. You may be a Hydralisk, but there's still no way that you can take on all of those elephants!

Sofie: I have no intention of getting rowdy. That's something for you Terrans to do.

Fjorxc: Then how...?

(Sofielisk peers around the corner, and watches Ravil pace impatiently inside the HQ. She smiles wickedly.)

Sofie: I'm going to take advantage of my admittedly-underused feminine charms. Hehe...


(Back in the CWAL Headquarters, Ravil has folded his arms and is glaring into space as Arcturus and Fron hurl insults across the floor at eachother relentlessly. One can't help but notice the similarities between this and the Canadian House of Commons.)

Arcturus: Redneck!

Fron: Flag burner!

(Suddenly, Cydric enters the scene again.)

Cydric: Sire, I have received an incoming satellite transmission on this place's computer system. At first she wouldn't give it to me, but when I threatened to beat her with a baseball bat...

Ravil: Wait a minute...who is "she"

Cydric: The computer. She calls herself Rask.

Ravil: A FEMALE computer?

Cydric: Yes, sire.

Arcturus: Hick!

Ravil: (Sighs) Is there NOTHING rational about this place? Very well, take me to "her".

Fron: Mighty Ducks fan!

(The two Zerg Canadians shuffle into the room which houses Rask's mainframe. Cydric picks up the bat once more.)

Cydric: Now put that transmission through, or prepare to kiss your video card goodbye!

Rask: All right! Geez, you don't have to be so pushy!

(Ravil barges in front of his Chancellor as the monitor first hisses with static, then forms into a cohesive picture of a human male sitting in a chair.)

Human: My Fellow Americans, I am here tonight to tell you that I did NOT have sexual relations with that lawyer in Nebraska. All that...hey, who the hell are you?

Ravil: This is Ravil, ruler of Zerg Canadians. Don't waste my time. Why did you call upon me?

Human: Oops, must have been a crossed wire. My apologies, citizen, we...

Ravil: Don't "citizen" me! I am the King of the Canuckalisks, and right now I hold your capital in my claws of death! Soon the rest of your pathetic country shall follow! MWAHAHAHA!

Human: Look, friend, I have no idea who or even what you are, but you don't hold Washington...the media does, so don't be getting any delusions of grandeur.

Ravil: You lying Terran scum are all alike! Your pathetic attempts at misinforming me are to no avail! This IS the capital I'm standing in right now, and I AM in control of it!

Human: Well, I say that it's not, and I think I should know, since I'm the President of the United States, after all.

(All colour drains from Ravil's face.)

Ravil: What?!? That's impossible! The President is my hostage!

Clinton: Mr. Ravil, I assure you, I, and every part of me is the President, though I wish that some parts made up less politically. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a country to address. Good day.

(The screen flickers off before Ravil can say another word. He stares dumbfounded at the blank monitor for a few minutes before slowly rising and going back into the main coffee shop. Cydric, knowing what is best for himself, has retreated to behind the counter, where he is fixing himself a cappuccino, a more vile brew than any of his venoms.)

Fron: Pansy!

Arcturus: You cattle-prod licking, weak-kneed little...

(Ravil now completely loses it.)


(Silence suddenly fills the CWAL HQ, as Ravil looks around with crazed eyes, waiting for an utterance to pass from someone's lips. That is precisely when Cydric returns, stirring his cup of coffee with a...)

Debris: (Voice filled with horror.) SPOON!

(Ravil lunges and swipes at him with a sickle-like claw.)


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