Zerg Canadians


Invasion of the Zerg Canadians - Part 2
By _Ravil

Scene: A slow day at the CWAL Headquarters. Most of the crew are out doing more interesting things, while the remainder are lounged about playing StarCraft or doing something equally productive. Jolt has kept himself alive and amused for the past hour by pulling the wings and legs off of a fly and watching it bask helplessly on the floor. Several CWALers, their nerves and senses dulled by Starbucks Coffee, are watching the news (!?!) on television.

Newscaster: …and in other news, a small town in Idaho actually sank into the ground yesterday evening. Rescue operations are already underway, and so far no casualties have been reported amongst the human population. However, ranchers in the region are reporting a huge number of missing cattle. McDonalds denies its suspected involvement in the incident.

Snapper: (Snorts in contempt) Of course they would. They also claimed that they Arch Deluxe was edible.

Fjorxc: At least they make good spackling material. (He glances around at the cracks in the walls, which are stuffed with discarded hamburgers)

Attention turns back to the TV set.

Newscaster: Local officials claim that the accident occured because of a huge series of tunnels dug underneath the townsite. This time it was Washington’s turn to deny involvement, and in a predictable result, protesters gathered outside the White House, though exactly what they are protesting is not yet clear.

Dark Chrono: I think the protesters are on 24 hour call in D.C.

Paranoid CWALer: They are! I have them on speed-dial, for whenever my vigilant eye spots a conspiracy…

Lothos enters the HQ. Paranoid CWALer screams and lunges for his phone.

Lothos: Hi all! What’s…(spots the TV) Oh come on! There’s got to be something better on than this crap!

Fjorxc: Nope.

Lothos: Arg! I can’t stand this informative garbage! I want to be entertained, not educated!

Dark Chrono: Shut up, Lothos. It’s Prime Time. There’s nothing on but news on every channel, including the Comedy Network. It’s a Federal offense to show anything else at 6 o’ clock.

Lothos: Bah. Doesn’t sound very "prime" to me…

Suddenly, a winged creatured soars over the HQ. Fjorxc’s eyes go wide as he spots it.

Fjorxc: Seagull! SEAGULL!!

He tears out of the CWAL HQ, knocking over tables and fellow CWALers alike in his mad dash to get to his Orca. He fires up the engine and gives chase to the follheartry bird.

Snapper: I wish he would start seeing that doctor again…

Dark Chrono: He committed suicide, remember?

Snapper: Oh, right.

Lothos: (Loses patience) Fine. If none of you couch-potatoes are going to take an interest in obtaining some quality viewing material for us, then I will. I’m heading over to the video rental place.

Sofielisk: I’ll come too. I need to get my claws manicured again while we’re out…

The Death Knight and the Modified Hydralisk depart from the HQ, leaving the others to their own devices.


Far underneath the city of Irvine, California, a huge army of gigantic, deadly creatures lay in wait. For two days they have burrowed at a breakneck speed from the Rocky Mountains to the West Coast. Now, the invasion is about to commence. Ravil, King of the Canuckalisks, stands before the crowd of his minions. His Chancellor, Cydric the Defiler, is beside him.

Ravil: My fellow Zerg Canadians! Today is the day that we bring glory and honour to ourselves in abundance! For today we shall invade the United States of America, and prove to Its Greatness the Overmind that we are NOT the incompotent fools it has us made out to be!

The Canuckalisks predictably bellow their blatant approval.

Ravil: According to the map we stole in that bunker, we are directly underneath the seat of American power, the White House. We shall burrow upwards, seize the pathetic human government, and then bring chaos to the entire city!

While the Canuckalisks cheer some more, Cydric studies the floor intently. The only reason he hasn’t corrected his leader yet is that they are far closer to Disneyland than he could have ever hoped otherwise.

Ravil: For glory! For the Overmind! For the Zerg Canadians!

The mighty Canuckalisks leap up and begin to dig upwards at an astonishingly fast pace, clutching on to the rocky walls they create with their claws.

Cydric: Sire, what are we going to do once we have the American population subjugated?

Ravil: (Thinks hard for a moment) Shuddup, Cydric.

Cydric: Yes sire.

Both of them catch ahold of a Canuckalisk’s tail, and are pulled up on their way to the surface.


CWAL Headquarters. A dispute has arisen between Legion007 and Tybalt as to who can eat a Taco with the most squirts of Hot Sauce on it. Legion’s face has gone red, and tears stream down his face as he reaches the 20 squirt Taco mark. Tybalt is about to go for 21 when the ground begins to shake.

Dark Chrono: What the…?

The tiled floor is torn apart as a half-dozen Canuckalisks rip their way into the Starbucks. Smashed pipes from bellow splash hot water everywhere. Playdohpuss is quickly reduced to a puddle of blue goo on the floor.

Snapper: (Pissed off, since he had heavy money riding on Tybalt) Zerg! CWALers, attack!

Unfortunately, they don’t get the chance. The Canuckalisks begin to secrete and spew wads of mucous from their mouths. Those CWALers unfortunate enough to be caught in them are thrown back and pinned against the wall as the sticky substance hardens, unable to move. Dark Chrono, however, dodges a mucous wad aimed at him and charges at a Canuckalisk, psi-blades fully extended.

Dark Chrono: Vile creatures! Prepare to greet the Overmind!

The Canuckalisk in question raises its mighty blade-like tusks to accept the challenge. The two from rival species’ clash, and begin to duel. At that moment, Ravil and Cydric surface on the tail of another Canuckalisk, and spot the only remaining fray in the room.

Cydric: Fear not, sire! I’ll handle this!

Having not bathed recently, millions of tiny creatures, combined known as a Dark Swarm, cling to him. He releases them, and they immediately soar over and begin to harrass the mighty Protoss warrior, blinding him and biting at his flesh.

Dark Chrono: Ack! Get these vermin off of me!

The Canuckalisk emits a rumbling chuckle, and then smashes Chrono with the blunt end of one of it’s tusks. He is sent flying backwards, where he is quickly glued to the wall by the Zerg Canadians.

Ravil: Excellent work, my minions! We had subdued the evil American government without loss! These pitiful human beings shall not stand in our path!

Cydric: (Eyeing the prisoners) Um…sire, not all of them are human.

Ravil: (Noticing Snapper and Dark Chrono in particular) Yesss…it appears that our old foes the Protoss are in consort with the Americans. All the better! I welcome a good fight.

Dark Chrono: (Growls threateningly) If you want a good fight, child of the Overmind, then let me free, and I shall tear your heart from your body! Release me!

Ravil: (Waves a claw dismissively) You are in a position to demand nothing, Protoss. (Turns to the rest of the captive CWALers) I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. We are the Zerg Canadians, and we are here to bring your pathetic nation to its knees. It appears that we have done so with one swift stroke.

Outside, Canuckalisks can be seen rampaging up and down the street, tearing apart anything in their path.

Ravil: Soon this capital city of yours shall lay in utter ruins at the tusks of our Canuckalisks. Now, which one of you meager humans in the one known as "Bill Clinton"?

The CWALers all look at eachother, slightly dazed and very confused.

Jolt: Is this the capital?

Paranoid CWALer: I knew it! I knew it!!

Legion007: Wait a minute…pal, I think you’ve got the wrong city. This is Irvine, California, not Washington D.C. You’re on the wrong side of the country!

Ravil: Lies! Don’t attempt to decieve me, human. When I grow angry, people die!

Jolt: Hey, that’s a corny movie line!

Ravil: Enough! Guards, take this foul-mouthed one away, and do with him as you will!

Several Canuckalisks rip Jolt out of his bondage and drag him back down the hole in the HQ floor, kicking and screaming. Seconds later, munching and ripping sounds can be heard emanating from below.

Snapper: You killed Jolt! You bastard!

Ravil: (To Cydric) This may be harder than I thought. Prepare the hair dryer for another torture session. We’ll find out which one is Bill Clinton, one way or another.

Cydric: (Eagerly) Yes sire!


Not too far away, Lothos and Sofielisk are just returning from the movie store. Lothos is wearing a very satisifed look on his face, carrying a two-foot high stack of movies, and looking forward to a night of quality entertainment, not all of this "news" rubbish. He doesn’t even see the rampaging Canuckalisk until it’s too late. The huge beast sideswipes him, knocking the Death Knight onto the ground and spilling his movies all over the street in its relentless pursuit of yellow street lights all over Irvine (Canuckalisks hate the color yellow).

Lothos: Hey! Watch it, buddy!

Sofielisk: (Spotting the duress going on in the CWAL Headquarters) Uh-oh. Lothos, I think we may have a problem…

At that moment, a large, whining sound pierces the air, and seconds later Fjorxc’s Orca sets down behind them. It’s insane pilot emerges from the cockpit.

Fjorxc: Heh…shot the little bugger right down. That’ll be the last seagull to attack OUR base for a good while!

Lothos: Fjorxc! Thank God they didn’t get you too! We’ve got really big trouble brewing back at the base!

Fjorxc: (Picking seagull feathers out of his Orca’s engine) How big of trouble?

Sofielisk: LOOK!

Fjorxc turns and looks at the Starbucks coffee shop. Inevitably he spots the hulking Canuckalisks, both inside holding his teammates captive, and outside, tearing apart the city. He nods in agreement.

Fjorxc: Yep. That’s big trouble.

Seeing that the deranged pilot isn’t going to be of much help, Sofielisk turns to her other companion.

Sofielisk: Lothos, you’re a Death Knight! DO something, before these strange Zerg overrun the entire city!

Lothos: I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…you know my powers aren’t in the least bit stable…

Sofielisk: Can’t you at least try?

Lothos: (Thoughtfully) Well, I suppose I could summon forth an underworld cyclone to remove the Zerg from our base. That doesn’t take much practice.

Fjorxc: (Snorts) Right. And neither did that "infernal regions toaster-oven" thing that you got us, remember?

Lothos: (Ignores Fjorxc and begins to cast his spell) Koratora-marakaya, sooliyap-frink, oonsaka baysaaka, KANA!

There is a massive flash of light, and Lothos disappears. Sofielisk waves a claw through the space which he had previously occupied, confirming that he hasn’t simply become invisible. To make matters even worse, no cyclone has arrived from the underworld to eject the Zerg Canadians from the Starbucks.

Fjorxc: (Completely deadpan) I get the impression that didn’t help much…


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