Invasion of the Zerg Canadians - Part 1
Scene: The Canadian praries, east of Calgary. A herd of cows can be seen blissfully muching upon their cud, completely oblivious to the greater workings of the world. Soon, most of them will become Canadian ground beef, arguably the best beef north of the American border. One of the cattle seperates itself from the rest and patiently makes its way down towards the watering hole. However, before it reaches its glamorous destination, the ground shakes beneath its feet. Looking down, the livestock "moos" in shock as the topsoil disappears beneath it, and it sinks into the ground. Seconds later, shredding and tearing sounds can be heard, followed by a pronounced belch. Then the soil is quickly replaced, with none of the other cows the wiser.
Far beneath the astoundingly flat praries, huge caverns have been hollowed out across the Canadian landscape. Inside of them, hundreds upon hundreds of strange, fearsome beasts reside. The scent of fresh meat is everywhere, but not a drop of coffee can be seen (frightening, since they usually balance eachother out). This is the realm of the dreaded Zerg Canadians, the invisible driving force behind Canadian society. On the far end of one of the biggest caverns of all (situated somewhere underneath Brooks, Alberta), a dark, imposing figure is seated atop a rickety wooden thrown. It is Ravil, the nefarious Hunter-Killer Hydralisk, King of the Canuckalisks.
Ravil glares around impatiently: Cydric! Cydric!!
Out of a two-foot cubby hole that serves as his residence squeezes the Defiler Cydric, Chancellor to the King of the Canuckalisks.
Cydric: Yes, my liege. I am here.
Ravil: (Waves a scythe-like claw abscently) Give me the daily report.
Cydric: (Studying the floor intently) The, uh, the…
Ravil: The reports, Cydric! The ones you spent all day collecting! Give them to me!
Cydric: (Snaps back into reality) Yes! Yes! The reports. We have managed to get rid of the last of the dirt that we had stockpiled after excavating this cavern, sire.
Ravil: Hmmm…good. I thought we would never be rid of it all. We’ve had to eat it, bury it, and mix it with Canuckalisk crap to sell as fertilizer for months! How did you manage it?
Cydric: New market, sire. We’re selling it by the ton in Japan as "Authentic Rocky Mountain" dirt. Turned quite a profit in it as well.
Ravil: Excellent job, Chancellor. You’re not as dumb as you look.
Cydric: (Attempts to simle, though it proves to be impossible for the Defiler) Thank you, sire!
Ravil: (Deep in thought) Now that our underground base is excavated, and our revenues are up, I believe that it is time to put our final plan into motion.
Cydric: (Gasps) You mean…
Ravil: Yesss! The proud moment that we have been waiting for ever since our banishment from the Swarm! The chance to prove outselves worthy in the eyes of the Overmind! An opportunity to wipe clean the chalkboard of fate, and rejoin our vile kind once more!
Cydric: (Puts on a pointed party hat and toots on a cazoo) Hear that, boys? We’re goin’ to Disneyland!
This news incited cheers from the massive army of the gargontuous Canuckalisks gathered there. Their bellows fill the cavern with a huge, unified roar that could have been heard all the way from Calgary, were it not drowned out by thousands of drunken fans at a Stampeders’ Football Game.
Ravil: (Jumping up and down on his thrown in fury) No! No no no no no no no! We are NOT going to Disneyland, Cydric! For the last time, we are NOT!!
Moans and bellows of disappointment emanate from all the Canuckalisks within earshot. Cydric looks brokenhearted, and almost starts to cry.
Ravil: Enough of that! Stop it! SILENCE!!!
His roar echoes through the caverns, bringing an eerie stillness upon the converged Zerg Canadians.
Ravil: Our great and noble master plan is soon to go into action. Forget about Disneyland! We shall redeem ourselves in the eyes of the Overmind by conquering first the United States of America, and then the rest of the world! Thus is the destiny of the Zerg Canadians!
The Canuckalisks take this as their cue to break into mad cheering again.
Cydric: (Rolls his eyes) Oh, THAT plan…
Ravil: Once we have subjugated the human Americans, none of the other nations shall dare to bar our path! We shall take this planet Earth for the greater glory of the Overmind! Our first blow shall be against the American capital city of Washington D.C., where our Canuckalisks shall see to it that the human President Clinton never has to worry about his genitles getting him into trouble again! After that, we shall destroy their population centers, and then…
Cydric: (Hopefully) Go to Disneyland?
Ravil: (Throwing in the towel) Alright, alright…after we have made the United States into a confused center of anarchy and chaos, more than it already is, of course, then I promise we’ll go to Disneyland.
Cydric: (Toots on his cazoo) Yay!
The Canuckalisks, not very bright, begin to cheer and bellow their approval, though not quite making it clear which part of the conversation they are approving of so mightily.
High above, a typical Canadian Redneck rocks back and forth in the rocking chair on his porch, overlooking the endless praries. Then, strange noises, faintly but clearly, come up from underground. Bellows, snorts, grunts, and roars of every kind are heard. The Redneck considers this carefully.
Redneck: Dag-nabbed gophers…
Not long after…
The Canada-U.S. border…the longest undefended frontier in the world. The manmade line that seperates life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness from the inefficient fumbling bureaucracy of the north. Marching out of his small shelter somewhere along the Alberta-Montana border, an American customs official (believed to be a close relative to the Blizzard HQ Security Guard) holds up his hands to stop the incoming traffic. A huge queue of Canuckalisks can be seen lining the road for miles. Ravil and Cydric hop off their perch on the lead one.
Customs official: Anything to declare?
Ravil: Well, some of my men have been drinking…
Customs: (Very programmed response) As long as they don’t drive, that’s ok down here. You’ll have to leave any alcohol at the border, though, so that we can…uh, study it. Yes, study it very thoroughly.
Ravil: What? But it makes such a great motivator!
Customs: If your party attempts to bring alcohol into this country, you will not be permitted entry.
Ravil: Alright, alright…(Puts claws to his mouth and whistles sharply. Within seconds, a dozen barrels of Molson Canadian beer are rolled down the street from various Canuckalisks, to right beside the official, who eyes them like a Godsend)…that’s the lot. Now can we go?
Customs: (Composing himself) How long do you intend to stay in the United States?
Ravil: (Turns to Cydric) Hmm…hard to say. What do you think, Chancellor? A week?
Cydric: Don’t forget Disneyland!
Ravil: Right. We’ll be staying for two weeks.
Customs: Business of pleasure?
Ravil: What would viciously mauling the capital of the United States and causing the general downfall of human rights nationwide qualify as?
Customs: (Suspiciously) Business…
Ravil: Right. Then we’re on pleasure.
Customs: (Satisfied) Very well then, sir. Enjoy your stay in the United States of America.
Ravil: (Smiles evilly) Oh yes…we shall. Canuckalisks, forward!
The gate is raised, and the army of the Zerg Canadians marches forth onto enemy soil.
Cydric: Um, sire, if you don’t mind my asking, why did we not simply burrow underground for our invasion?
Ravil: (Thinks hard)…Shut up, Cydric.
Cydric: Yes, sire.
BLIZZARD ENTERTAINMENT’S SECRET BUNKER
Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains
The CEO is seated behind his desk, his face drawn up in a veritable scowl as PatN enters timidly, holding something in his hand.
CEO: It’s happened, then?
PatN: I’m afraid so, sir. Our technical staff has finally run out of ways to delay Brood War any further. This CD is the only copy of the full Brood War code, but it still exists. Beta Testing and recruitment is imminent. After that, it may only be a matter of weeks.
CEO: Curses! What happened to that procrastonation memo I had sent out?
PatN: I haven’t passed it along quite yet…
CEO: Fool! Because of your bumbling, Brood War may actually be released ON TIME! What in blazes are we going to do?
PatN: (Sets the CD down on the desk) We could completely redo the units again…
CEO: (Impatiently) We’ve done that twice…along with the tilesets, storyline, and splash screens. Eventually it would get suspicious. We’re running out of options, and I can’t see any other real alternative than to give up and release Brood War on t…
Suddenly, the bunker shakes as if hit by an earthquake. The floor creaks and moans, and then tears open as two massive Canuckalisks burrow to the surface in the middle of the office. The Blizzard guards in the room pee their pants and flee for their lives. PatN screams and faints dead away. The CEO backs into a corner in terror as Ravil and Cydric pull themselves out of the newly-created hole as well.
CEO: Who…who are you?
Ravil: Shut up, human. Cydric, find me a map.
CEO: Hey, nobody tells me to shut up…!
Cydric scampers off to do his master’s bidding. The King of Canuckalisks waits impatiently while his minions tear apart the bunker looking for a map. Finally, the Defiler returns to his master’s side, carrying a map inconspicuously marked "Blizzard Secret Battle Charts" on it. Trying his best to seem knowledgeable, Ravil looks over the map, nodding and stroking his chin with a claw. It is, however, a little-known fact that Hydralisks cannot read.
Cydric: (Excitedly) What are you doing, great one?
Ravil: (Studying the West Coast intently) Um…I’m, uh, planning our assault upon their capital.
Ravil: Not now! Let me think out our glorious takeover.
Several minutes pass, with Ravil falling into a predictable pattern of head scratching, hissing, and sniffling, but accomplishing little else. Finally, the Canuckalisks begin to grumble under their breaths. Knowing better than to make them even more impatient, Ravil jabs a claw down into a large dot on the map.
Ravil: There is the American captial! We shall besiege it as soon as possible!
CEO: (No longer quite as afraid as before, peers over to see the map) Hey, that’s not the capital! That’s…
Cydric: Foolish human! Do you seek to dispute the judgement of our glorious leader?
The CEO slinks back into his corner, where he quietly begins playing with some marbles.
Ravil: The time of the triumph of the Zerg Canadians is near, Cydric! We shall begin our attack immediately! Go underground and prepare the Canuckalisks for battle!
Cydric: (Steals a glance at the map) Uh-oh. Sire, I think…
Ravil: (Roars) You aren’t supposed to think! I’M the one who thinks! You just do whatever I tell you to.
Cydric: (Grudgingly) Yes, sire. I’ll go alert the Canuckalisks of our plan. (Dives back down the hole. The two Canuckalisks follow suite.)
Ravil eyes the Blizzard CEO suspiciously, then decides that he isn’t worth the effort, and slithers back underground. The CEO calmly gathers up his marbles, revives PatN with a swift kick in the ribs, and then marches around his destroyed office. It is only then that he spots the Brood War Beta CD, smashed by the mighty foot of a Canuckalisk.
CEO: That’s ingenius! Why hadn’t I thought of that? This will set our work back by months! Those Zerg Canadians are the best thing that have happened to Blizzard in a long time!
PatN: (Having dragged himself up weakly to get a better view of the map) It gets even better, sir! Look where they’re headed!
The hole torn by Ravil’s claw directly overlays the city of Irvine, California, which has CWAL HEADQUARTERS printed beside it in bold red letters as a warning.
PatN: With any luck, they’ll end up wiping out our old nemesis’, Operation CWAL, as well as delaying Brood War further!
CEO: (Puts an arm around PatN’s shoulder) This is indeed a great day for Blizzard Entertainment…and it isn’t even of our own doing! Come, join me in evil laughter!
CEO and PatN: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!