Zerg Canadians


Cydric Gets His Wish
By DarkLight

"BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Go my minions! KILL THEM ALL!!!!"

(Cydric, the Chancellor of the Zerg Canadians, blearily blinked his eight eyes as the battle cry pierced his sleep-fogged Defiler's mind. However, his conscious mind was still half-asleep, leaving only his basic Zerg instincts to control his reaction. As there is only one true Zerg instinct, Cydric reacted almost immediately by lunging out of his hole, jaws seeking something to rip apart. He felt something hard between his teeth just as his mind managed to dig its way out of the hole it had been in. His eight eyes blinked as he stared into a rather peeved Hydralisk's face.)

Sofie: Cydric. Explain to me why you are trying to eat my arm or I'll eat several of yours.

Cydric: -=Uhhh… Must think quickly. Brain, what do we do?=-

Brain: -=Nyyyyaaaarrrgggllllee.=-

Cydric: -=D'oh. I'm going to bed earlier tonight.=-

Sofie: Well?

"Die, American Satans!" *BLAM* *CRASH* *SPLURT*

Sassy: Was that Ravil's voice?

Cydric: Mrmphle.

Jasmine: Get our arm out of your mouth, you little twit!

(Cydric spat out the Hydralisk's arm.)

Cydric: I said, that was Ravil's voice accompanied by the sounds of a war with America.

Sofie: War with America? KEEN! Let's roll!

Sassy: Sounds like that noise's coming from the throne room.

(Sofielisk clapped her claws delightedly and slithered out of the room. Cydric scuttled after her, readying the glands within his jaws that secreted the deadly toxins the Defiler was known for. They listened tensely to the crashes echoing from the throne room, alert for any signs of invaders. The trip, though, was uneventful. Neither of them spotted anything even remotely human within the Underground Lair's many tunnels.)

(Sofie scratched her head in puzzlement as they neared the throne room. Ravil was screaming about American invaders, but there was nothing here…)

Jasmine: Shouldn't we have been attacked by a horde of lesser beings by now?

Cydric: Maybe they got lost.

Sassy: Highly doubtful. Humans may be stupid, but they have the annoying tendency to show up where they're least wanted.

Cydric: Then maybe-

(The Defiler trailed off as the wall opposite the throne room's entrance erupted with a series of miniscule green explosions, the signature sign of a Hydralisk's needle spines colliding with their target and reducing it to small pieces. Both Zerg lunged forward and through the door, snarling hungrily as only Zerg can. The sight within, however, was slightly different than the one they had expected.)

(There were two beings in the room, and no more. One was a humanoid form hanging upside-down from the ceiling, suspended by a coating of Canuckalisk goop; the other was a Hunter-Killer Hydralisk with a lop-sided crown hanging from his skull. Ravil, omnipotent King of the Canuckalisks, was currently raving like a lunatic and smashing small chess pieces with his tail.)

Ravil: AHAHAHAHAH!!!! *pushes a Hydralisk figurine forward* Sofie, my love, watch out! *tosses a plastic G. I. Joe at the toy, knocking it over* NNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Sofie: I… That is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

Cydric: What about my slideshow-


(Cydric wandered off to pout as Sofielisk noticed the other strange detail.)

Sassy: Uh, why is Aura hanging from the roof?

Sofie: *glances at Ravil for a moment, then back at the woman* I would suspect that it's because she's a humanoid and Ravil is on a crusade against them.

Sassy: Makes sense to me. Should we get her down?

(Sofie pondered this for a moment.)

Sofie: Might as well. Maybe she can tell us why Ravil's acting like a loony.

(The Hydralisk's chest plates slid open, causing Aura's eyes to widen by more than a little. She began to contemplate why this scene seemed familiar as Sofie let loose a spray of needle spines. The slender, explosive darts tattooed the surface of the rock that the Canuckalisk goop was anchored upon, then ripped themselves apart as the chemicals within combined and exploded, shattering the rock surface and the hardened mucous coat.)

(The blast sprayed the room with shrapnel and woke up several nearby Canuckalisks, who had just managed to block out Ravil's insane ranting. The roars of rage shook the Lair, causing the weakened roof to shatter and collapse.)

(A few minutes later, Sofielisk's head popped up from the wreckage that had once been a throne room. She glanced around, noticed Ravil and Aura strewn about the room in various states of consciousness, and shrugged.)

Jasmine: At least he shut up.

(The far wall of the room exploded inward at about that moment, showering the shattered room's inhabitants with yet more rock. From within the dark tunnel came an irate yell.)

Turtle: WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP!!! I just want to sleep… Is that so much to ask?

(The Zergling, who was the general of the Zerg Canadians and one of their more stable members, strode out of the tunnel, continuing to rant angrily. A groan drifted in from a corner of the room.)

Aura: 'Twould be nice to stay CONSCIOUS among ye morons, let alone rest…

Sassy: Might I remind you all that we have yet to find out why exactly Ravil has gone insane?

(Meanwhile, Ravil had regained partial consciousness in his own corner, and was slowly yanking himself upright. Fate took a moment to mock mortals in general and then caused a loose stalactite to fall on Ravil's tail.)


(Ravil proceeded to break the record for largest number of needle spines fired in five seconds. The rest of the room dove for cover as most of the stone making up the wall was reduced to dust.)

Jasmine: Somebody tackle that madman!

Sofie: -=Can we do it?=-

Jasmine: -=Tomorrow night.=-

Sofie: -=Blast.=-

(Turtle leapt out of his tunnel and dashed at Ravil, shoulder thrust out. The brave little Zergling slammed into Ravil and knocked him to the ground. He then proceeded to sit smugly on the King of the Canuckalisks.)

Turtle: So, Ravil, how's the weather down there?


Turtle: Oooooooohhh… kay. *glances at Sofie* Ravil's screwed his mind.

Sofie: No kidding, you blithering moron. The question is "Why?"

Jasmine: Maybe he ate something from McDonald's…

Turtle: But he's still alive.

Jasmine: Then maybe… Screw it, I'm too lazy to think of a reason. *curls up in the back of the mind for a nap*

Sofie: Lazy bastard. Any other ideas?

Aura: He didst seem rather stressed earlier, before I wast stuck in yon bloody muck. -=Thou shalt pay for that, Ravil…=-

(Turtle snapped his claws suddenly.)

Turtle: That's it! He's stressed out because he's been unable to get any satisfaction from his life!

(Several murderous thoughts crossed Sofie's mind, but she sublimated the resentment.)

Sofie: So he's stressed. What do we do?

Sassy: Send him on a vacation. *thinks a moment* Send him on a vacation with us. Alone. Yes… That's the ticket… Heheheheheh…

(The rest of the room cast an odd look at Sofielisk, then shrugged. It was as good an idea as any other.)


The next morning

(Sofielisk disappeared down the tunnel, an unconscious Ravil slung over her shoulder. Behind her stood a group of Canuckalisks and the Zerg Canadian command/research/generally the only intelligent beings in the Lair cadre, though it had been slightly reorganized because of the sudden absence of its higher-ups. Cydric had been put in command (thus causing most of the nation of Canada to panic and take a sudden trip to Tunisia), Turtle and Aura would be sharing Chancellor and General duties, and Canuckalisk Geek… well, Geek was still just a geek.)

Cydric: Okay, as my first official declaration as Head Honcho is that you three will be getting me my breakfast right now.

Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* :::Dammit, Cydric, I'm a scientist, not a cook!:::

Cydric: Traitor. I'll have your head for this, Geek!

Turtle: Shut up, Cydric.

Cydric: Yes, sir.

(A long pause ensues. Finally, someone speaks.)

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT*

Turtle: Invade Mexico? What kinda moron would want to invade Mexico?


(The small, dark figure stood before a massive horde of well-armed Civil War soldiers.)


(The musketeers surge forward, their nineteenth century weaponry easily slicing through the ranks of starving Mexican farmers.)


Canuckalisk: *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Turtle: Okay, so he isn't a moron. But we're still not going to invade Mexico.

(A gleam suddenly came to those eyes that Cydric was not using to watch for passing insectoid morsels.)

Cydric: I know what we're going to do… We're going to invade America-

(Long-suffering growls/groans.)

Cydric: -and take over Disneyland! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Laugh with me.

Aura: Why? That be possibly the stupidest evil plan that I hath ever heard of.

Cydric: I don't care. We're going to take over Disneyland and we're going to do it right now!

(The Defiler grabbed both the Zergling and the humanoid and stuck them on his back, then scampered off down a tunnel, his eyes gleaming with excitement.)


CWAL HV Headquarters, an hour later

(Boredom is widely acknowledged as being the largest threat to the mental health of the universe, besides Rush Limbaugh, who still isn't very pleasant. Thus, because Fjorxc had forgotten to change the channel and to lower the volume on the radio-alarm clock the day before, Freerunner was in for a slightly rude awakening.)


Freerunner: GWWWAAAAHHHH!!!!!


(Laughter echoed from a nearby room. Apparently, Fjorxc hadn't forgotten after all. A few moments later, the wall between Fjorxc and Freerunner's rooms evaporated under a heavy barrage of laser fire and creamed SPAM ™, a weapon whose power should not be underestimated. After making sure Fjorxc was unconscious, the woman wandered downstairs to get some pancakes.)

(She found most of CWAL HV sprawled out through the main room of the IHOP, having succumbed to that other major threat to sanity, or what little they had of it.)

Jimbo: This sucks… With Meier in Mexico for God knows what reason, we've got nothing to randomly blow up!

Freerunner: *furrows her brow* Why not raid the BoS?

Jimbo: 'Cause they wandered off to the latest incarnation of the I Club and managed to accidentally get lost in inter-dimensional vortex for the next few weeks.

Victor: Uh, yeah, it was an accident… Heh heh… Aiii…

Freerunner: So play SMAC or something.

Chrisk: SMAC sucks. *pulls a wire out of his teeth*

(Everyone blinks.)

Victor: He… He ATE the computers! YOU SPAWN OF SATAN! *lunges at Chrisk and begins to rip out blood vessels*

(With their major source of entertainment currently dissolving in Chrisk's gut, the CWALers continued to loaf around for the next hour or so. However, after Fjorxc walked downstairs and was set upon by Freerunner, who was screaming something about Soylent Green being people, it was realized that this boredom was going to get them all brutally killed – by each other. After a few moments of thought, and no small amount of staring at a rather uncomfortable Freerunner, Victor snapped his fingers.)

Victor: I… have a cunning plan!

(Victor takes a moment to explain his plan.)

Fjorxc: You want to go to the laundromat?

Victor: Yes, sir.

Fjorxc: *to Freerunner* And they say I'm a psycho… Anyone have an intelligent plan?

Chrisk: Plans are for wusses. *glances at the TV* Who's the fart-knocker who left the TV on the (deleted for your comfort and convenience) Disney channel?

(A slow gleam came to Fjorxc's eyes as he took in Chrisk's virulent and anti-kids' TV channel statement.)

Fjorxc: That's *it!* We're going-

Freerunner: To Disney World?

Fjorxc: Ew, no. Who'd wanna go there? We're going to Rocky Point!

(The rest of CWAL HV pondered this blatantly bizarre statement as Fjorxc gleefully dashed out of the room.)

Exile: Where the hell is Rocky Point?


Underground, three hours later

(The wide tunnel was a scene of chaos. Canuckalisks were everywhere, digging rapidly away at the soil and rock of the Earth's crust. Dust and gravel filled the air, making breathing difficult and obscuring the light emanating from the back of the Canuckalisk Geek. This came from… My censors have advised me that describing this will result in my death at their hands. I apologize for the inconvenience.)

{Lothos throws up his hands and walks away.}

(In the center of the chaos was a single point of clam: the general area around Cydric and his "advisors." The Defiler was merrily reading a pile of guidebooks, most of them heavily emblazoned with hideously cute cartoon mice in the great tradition of all smart Corporate Bastards™. He suddenly squealed in delight.)

Cydric: Look, look, LOOK! Mickey now appears twice a day at a random, undisclosed, rarely visited location in the park! I have double the chance to behead him!

(The more sensible Zerg Canadians simply shook their heads as Cydric continued to babble incoherently. Turtle took a moment to check a beat-up map, then nodded.)

Turtle: Cydric, we're here.

Cydric: And I can gut Plu- We are?! WOOHOO! Open 'er up!

(At the call from their illustrious leader, the Canuckalisks slicing through the soil lunged upward, ripping a hole in the ground. The tunnel was filled with light as the outside world rudely intruded on the darkness of the tunnel. This light was followed by a high-pressure torrent of water that blasted the Zerg Canadians into the walls.)

Cydric: Turtle! WE'RE UNDER A LAKE!

Turtle: And this is a problem because?

Cydric: Because none- *notices Aura quietly arguing with herself* -scratch that, most of us, can't survive underwater.

Turtle: Good point. You know, I think your idiocy must come partially from your position as Chancellor.

Cydric: Shut up and start swimming, Tur- *glug*

(In the midst of their conversation, neither Zerg Canadian had noticed that the tunnel had completely filled with water. Most of the Canuckalisks had already yanked themselves through the hole, knowing that immersion in water meant that they would become clean, leaving only the – supposedly – more intelligent Zerg underwater. Needless to say, Cydric, Turtle, and Geek passed out.)

(A few moments later, Turtle popped through the opening and landed next to the group of Canuckalisks. Next to him appeared a rather wet and bedraggled humanoid figure, which immediately sank to the bottom again. Turtle coughed a few times and sat up.)

Turtle: What the…?

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT*

Turtle: Aura? Hey, she's not useless after all. I had always wondered why Ravil kept her around.

(Cydric popped to the surface; Turtle snatched the Defiler and yanked him up onto solid ground, then glanced into the water. Geek was slowly floating to the surface, courtesy of his many air-filled internal organs and more than a little effort by Aura.)

Aura: -=Why I doth do this for these ingrates, I know not.=-

(Eventually, the Canuckalisk scientist was heaved onto dry land, followed by a nearly unconscious Aura, who, after taking a moment to rest, decided it hadn't been enough and passed out herself.)

Cydric: Hrmph. How'd she stay conscious?

Turtle: NO, YOU FOOL! NOT WITH THIS AUTHOR! You *know* you don't ask how things work with this guy!

Cydric: Bah. What can he do?

*Insert ten pages of biological data here*

Cydric: Brain… Hurts… Too much to comprehend…

*Want another ten pages?*

Cydric: NO! Just… I'll just chalk it up to her taking in oxygen through her skin and storing large supplies in small pouches throughout her flesh in order that she may survive for extended periods in airless environs.

*You just summarized my ten pages of information. I thought your brain hadn't been able to absorb that.*

Cydric: Zuuuh… Screw this and tell us where we are.

*Very well.*

(Turtle glanced around at his surroundings. To his surprise, they were not standing next to a lake. They were instead standing in the center of a large swamp.)

Turtle: Since when are there swamps near Anaheim?

Cydric: I don't care. Tell me the way to Disneyland!

Turtle: Uhhh… *points in a random direction, which happens to be north* That way.

(Cydric and his hordes happily tromped off, not noticing that Turtle hadn't actually checked the map or that Aura was hanging off of Geek's tail, half-conscious from fatigue and hanging off of Geek's tail.)


Ten thousand feet, about five minutes later

(There was one thing that Fjorxc could do with perfect skill, and that was to not get to where he wanted to go on the first try. This time, though, he had followed his map perfectly, and he was *sure* that he was at Rocky Point.)

Fjorxc: We're here, everybody!

(The rest of the Orca's passengers smirked at each other. This'd teach him to try to lug them off to some weird carnival thing in New England, which, coincidentally, had been closed for quite a while.)

Victor: I'd say an hour before he notices we're at Disney World.

Jimbo: Nah. Three, or I eat the DG's hat.

(The Orca set down gently; Fjorxc may have been rather touched in the head, but he was no slouch as a pilot. Fjorxc calmly stepped into the hatchway, expecting to see a small, quaint theme park with a bunch of really old and broken-down rides. Instead, he saw open space.)

Fjorxc: Zuh?

(The pilot glanced down at his feet, concerned. The ground was not where it was supposed to be. Therefore, they were either in midair, or they were…)

Freerunner: *from behind him* We're… We're sitting on a monorail track.

(Fjorxc glanced down. To his mild surprise, he noticed that he had, indeed, landed them on a wide, elevated concrete beam. The rail's twin sat a few feet away from him.)

Fjorxc: Impossible! There aren't any monorails in New England.

(To nullify his fact, a sleek, white train shot by on the rail four feet away from him.)

DG: *from inside* I suggest we get off of this thing before we end up being run down by a train.

Fjorxc: Good idea. *a new thought occurs* Hey, this is neat! They installed monorails at Rocky Point! Eat that, you crummy old Disney theme parks!

(The rest of the CWALers chuckled nervously and agreed, just before a monorail decided to slam into the back of the Orca and hurl it into Seven Seas Lagoon.)

(Coincidentally, a large group of hunched forms was slinking through the shallows of that lake at about that same moment. The Zerg Canadians, having been faithful to their complete inability to navigate, had ended up in Florida, and not in California as Cydric had intended. Needless to say, Cydric, upon realizing this, was not pleased.)

Cydric: I didn't want to go to Disney *World!* I wanted to go to Disney*land!*

Aura: What's the difference?

Cydric: It's beyond your wretched, humanoid, incompletely infested mind.

Aura: It wast thy double who didst do this to me, remember?

Cydric: Shut up, Aura. *turns to Turtle* This was your fault. You didn't read the map!

Turtle: Hey, who's the one who told a Zergling to read a human map?

Cydric: It was Geek.

Geek: *GRUNT?*

Cydric: No, you may not protest the slanderous libel. *sighs* I suppose we'll have to make the best of this. Does anybody know if Mickey even appears in this bloody backward theme park?

(A speedboat zipped by, carrying Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and several kids, much as in one of those commercials they always show on TV. Cydric immediately jabbed a claw at the boat.)


(Without thinking, the entire Zerg Canadian horde lunged forward toward the rapidly retreating boat. They immediately sank to the bottom of the lake. Several minutes later, they crawled up onto the beach, completely covered in seaweed and mud.)

Aura: My blouse… 'Tis ruined…

Turtle: *flips a lump of mud away from his eyes* Can't you just grow a carapace like a real Zerg?

Aura: Carapace? 'Twould make me look like a bug! Besides, our illustrious commander's double was the one who screwed up. -=Not that 'twould make me annoyed to have not been infested, even this little bit. Blasted double-instincts.=-

Cydric: Would you stop carrying on about how stupid I was in that dimension? I'm not me!

Aura: Phah. What thou dost wish to be ist ne'er going to occur.

Cydric: Speak something that we can understand.

Aura: Methinks I wilt go and bury myself under yonder rock for twenty minutes or so.

(Turtle walked up and clapped her on the back, slicing open her shoulders as he did so.)

Turtle: That's the true Zerg spirit! We'll make a mindless, heartless killer out of you yet, no matter how much Cydric screwed up!

(Turtle wandered off to chat with Geek, leaving Aura to contemplate ways to remove his carapace in excessively painful manners.)

Cydric: So, we know that Mickey Mouse is here, and we know that we are in a Disney park… It can't be that big, so we should have him found within a few hours at most! Goodie! Zerg Canadians, spread out, have fun, and find me a Mouse!


(Yes, Walt Disney, Inc. is paying this author large sums of money, so don't even try bribing me into making the park seem horrible.)

(When most think of Walt Disney World, they think of a big castle, a big silver ball, and a water tower with ears. This is not really a bad way to go about identifying the major areas of the park. The CWALers had been near the Magic Kingdom, and the Zerg Canadians had been about a half-mile to the south. Needless to say, they were gonna run into each other eventually, since the Canuckalisks had basically been given free rein to romp through the park.)

(However, that meeting was not actually going to occur just then, since the travel methods of both groups (underground and trudging through shallow water from the half-sunken Orca) were slightly different. Instead, we turn to our soaking wet band of intrepid humanoids, who'd managed to haul themselves to shore near the entrance to the Magic Kingdom.)

Fjorxc: *enthusiastically* This is great! They've got lakes here now, too!

Exile: Yup, it's official. He hit his head way too hard when we crashed.

Fjorxc: What, you don't like lakes?

(Sighs echoed through the ranks of the CWAL HV. Freerunner covered her face with her hands, then glanced around.)

Freerunner: Ticket booth. Jackpot!

(The woman dashed toward the booth, weaving around the horde of people also vying for the same ticket teller's window. She handed the teller a small object, then smiled happily and walked back to the group.)

Freerunner: Tickets for everybody! *begins to hand them out*

DG: Where'd you get the money?

Freerunner: Oh, I found one of Aura's old credit cards lying around the HQ. Apparently, nobody's deactivated them yet.

(Abruptly, the entire clearing exploded with sound.)


(The ticket booth chose that moment to explode, spraying the crowd with debris. From within the rubble pile came a small, rectangular object, with what seemed like mechanical arms and legs sprouting from its sides. No one in the crowd recognized the tiny object. No one but Freerunner.)

Freerunner: It's… It's Aura's credit card… Figures the greedy (author's note: insert random insult here at later time) would install a DNA scanner in her credit card.

Jimbo: I can understand a scanner, but a pair of plasma cannons and a missile launcher? Isn't that overkill?

Fjorxc: You didn't know Aura.

Credit card: Surrender the infidel or fall under the merciless force that is capitalistic greed!

Chrisk: Huh huh… It sounds like a chick…

(The tiny credit card, now looking more like one of the 'Mechs from Battletech than a square of plastic, raised its arms. Chrisk suddenly learned why it is detrimental for plasma to come into contact with living matter; the rest of CWAL HV relearned why it was detrimental to stand too close to Chrisk.)

CC: Now that the pig is dead, will you be surrendering the infidel?

Freerunner: Of course, he wo-

Victor: Will!

(Freerunner took the time to punch out Victor, then dove behind a topiary as a flurry of missiles tore out of the tiny robot.)

DG: I suggest we get out of here. Maybe we could use… that thing!

(The CWALers' eyes followed his outstretched hand to the tall, wide building about fifty yards away. From the side, and circling around the Seven Seas Lagoon as far as they could see, stretched a pair of elevated concrete beams. Even as they watched, a monorail slid smoothly to a stop inside the station. They took off toward the entrance ramp without hesitation, dodging missiles and plasma in large quantities.)


(Meanwhile, a few miles away, Cydric and a group of Canuckalisks had encountered no real resistance in their quest for fun and Mouse heads, which bothered them. Being Zerg, they liked killing things, and with nothing around to kill, they were getting relatively bored. That boredom, though, was soon to end, as they were entering that most familiar of theme parks, EPCOT Center.)

Audience: Zug zug?

*I have orcs for an audience. Bloody… The place with the big silver ball!*

Audience: Zug!

(Anyway, Cydric and his temporary minions strode through the ticket booths and turnstiles with little effort, managing to squish thirty-five people in the process. They now stood facing the massive orb that is Spaceship Earth.)

Cydric: That bloody thing is bright… But, no matter; find me Mickey Mouse!

Canuckalisks: *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

(The massive beasts stormed off through the park. Unfortunately, they were mistaken for parade floats, and many young civilians were unable to move out of their path in time. 'Twas a sad day when Little Johnny was decapitated by that Canuckalisk… Poor Johnny… He was such a nice boy! *collapses in sobs*)

*Okay, temporary bout of author insanity. A separate personality will continue writing until the former author has recovered.*

*Heh… They let me write! Now I shall have my revenge. I shall cause you pain the likes of which mortals cannot comprehend, Freerunner!*

Freerunner: NO! Get that witch away from the keyboard! PLEASE, HAVE MERCY!

*I'll teach you to rig Forks' stories!*

(Freerunner became a carp and appeared in the Living Seas; more specifically, she appeared in the tank closest to the Coral Reef Restaurant.)


Freerunner: I… This isn't really that bad, actually.

Customer: Waiter, do you serve carp here?

Waiter: Uh, no, we- *glances into the tank* Why, yes, sir, we do.

Freerunner: Just you wait, Aura. Just you wait.

(Aura and Turtle popped out of the floor beneath the carp. Turtle shrieked something about a pitiful humanoid that couldn't read a map, then passed out again and floated toward the top of the tank. Aura sighed and floated upward, being rammed by an angry carp the entire way.)

Freerunner: I'll teach you to get revenge on me! *thump* This isn't working.

Aura: No kidding. How I doth begin to annoy myself in this story…

(The author, growing bored, returned everything back to its original state. Random characters muttered something about useless breaks in the story, but hey, the author got bored. This is the result of letting me get bored, anyway. You should be writing things to entertain us while we're stuck floating in this cold, dark, upper dimension until we can finally remanifest ourselves…)

(Ahem. Cydric glanced around, wondering why most of the commotion in the theme park was coming from his right, where there were fewer Canuckalisks. Deciding that it didn't matter, Cydric decided to start his own search for the elusive creature that was Mickey Mouse. He scuttled toward Spaceship Earth, all eight eyes scanning the horizon for a pair of massive ears. Suddenly, all eight widened.)

Cydric: Mickey Mouse…

(Far in the distance stood a pair of massive black circles, circles that had been ingrained on the Defiler's soul for many, many years: the ears of Mickey Mouse. Cydric snarled with glee and jabbed a claw toward the distant form. At the same moment, a telepathic command shot out from his mind toward the rest of the Zerg Canadians, a simple word and a single picture.)

Cydric: -=Destroy!=-


(Fjorxc dove out of the monorail doors and rolled to a stop on the boarding platform. He heard a set of thuds as the other CWALers dove out after him. However, having leapt after him, they had the misfortune of slamming into the metal bars used to separate the different boarding lanes from each other. Behind them, and behind the monorail, came the little robot, dashing along on the suspended rail and spraying the boarding platform with random dangerous projectiles.)

Fjorxc: You'd think the thing would have run out of ammo by now… Or have stopped following us after we hopped on the monorail and rode it around the lake six times.

Freerunner: Aura made it. We all have learned that she holds grudges very well.

Jimbo: Could we please drop the grudge thing and get to the "Getting' the bloomin' heck out of here?"

(A missile ripped Chrisk's torso apart.)

All: Agreed.

(CWAL HV turned and leapt off the monorail boarding platform, landing fifteen feet below on a concrete walkway. Digitized calls for Freerunner's beating heart continued to issue from above them, along with enough firepower to make Maggott proud - or eliminate a small battalion of tanks. Fjorxc pointed at a bus terminal, then ducked behind a bench, drawing a compact but deadly pistol.)

Freerunner: What're you doing?

Fjorxc: Just get to the bus terminal! I'll teach this thing not to screw with Rocky Point…

(As the miniaturized terror appeared over the lip of the monorail station, Fjorxc took careful aim at it. He held his breath and slowly squeezed the trigger, sending a bullet zinging in at the drone. He frowned as the little thing leapt down and landed lightly on the pathway. He then heard a scream as a person dressed as Pluto stumbled over the edge of the platform, clutching his chest.)

Fjorxc: Oops. Well, forget this.

(Following the Stormtrooper Effect, Fjorxc stood up and threw his gun at the oncoming death machine. It smacked into the droid, ripped its arm off, and sent it spiraling to the ground. Fjorxc walked over and shook his head. Jimbo approached cautiously.)

Jimbo: Is it dead?

Fjorxc: Yup. I had a feeling that it was like that.

Jimbo: Like what?

Fjorxc: It's made of surplus parts from Pez's lab - rather fragile ones. Oh, yes, duck.

(Both CWALers were hurled backwards into the bus terminal's wall as the Pezlandian reactor in the card overheated and disintegrated. When a bus came a few moments later, Freerunner and Victor dragged their unconscious bodies onto it and sat down at the back. The bus pulled away and headed for the Disney-MGM Studios.)


(Aura and Geek sat in the parking lot of that very studio, looking glumly at the main entrance. Cydric and Turtle had been adamant that the pair head in before the rest of the horde, in order that they might get some reconnaissance. Naturally, Geek wasn't getting in as he was and Aura had no ticket, nor anything to purchase one with. They were, in short, screwed.)

Aura: Well, Geek, thou art supposed to be smart. What doth thou think?

Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* :::I think Cydric's gonna eat us unless we can get in there.:::

Aura: D'oh. We shalt just have to have a clever disguise, then. *eyes Geek* A very clever one in thine case.

(Both sat back, pondering their options. Aura's eyes wandered over the various posters plastered across the walls of the entrance area, showing scenes from dozens of modern and classic Disney films. One of them, though, seemed somehow familiar… She gasped just as Geek grunted.)

Aura: Art thou thinking the same as I?

Geek: *GRUNT* :::I think so. But where are we going to find an evening gown my size?:::

Aura: I… Ye creators, that image… 'Tis nasty. Let's try it this way: Thou wilt be the Beast and I will go as Belle.

Geek: *GRUNT* :::Aw. But I wanted to dance with the Prince!:::

(Aura wisely took several steps back, then began fishing around in a convenient bag for the proper clothing.)

(Minutes later, Aura emerged in a long, golden gown from behind a topiary. She glanced around, then spotted Geek's tail sticking out from under a neighboring plant. She whistled sharply, but the Canuckalisk's tail just sidled farther into cover.)

Aura: Geek! Get thy pansy butt out here!

Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* :::In this thing? You gotta be kidding me! Everybody will make fun of me…:::

Aura: Everybody already makes fun of thee. Now get thee out here before I decide I'm hungry.

(A sound, oddly similar to a resigned sigh, floated out from under the topiary. Geek then emerged from under the plant, resplendent in his blue and gold silk suit. At least, he would have been resplendent if he were a handsome human. As it was, Aura immediately shrieked with laughter, frightening away several of the omnipresent seagulls. Twenty seconds later, she managed to reduce herself to unrestrained giggling.)

Aura: Thou doth look like an idiot…

Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT* :::"Thou doth look like an idiot," she says. One of these days, I'll get you guys.:::

Aura: Thou art about as frightening as a mouse, Geek.

Geek: *GRUNT?!* :::MOUSE? Where?! Kill it! Kill it!!!!!:::

(Aura grinned widely and headed toward the ticket lines. Geek followed after her, mumbling impotently about revenge on arrogant humanoid bitches. Aura heard it but chose to ignore it, instead focusing on the task at hand. She stepped up to the teller and smiled in her best impersonation of vacant, materialistic models. It was surprisingly realistic.)

Teller: You're the Belle model, right?

Aura: Uh, yes. I hath the dress, correct?

Geek: -=Where'd she get a three thousand dollar silk evening gown, anyway?=-

Teller: That you do. Better hurry up and get to the Great Movie Ride. You two are needed there. Oh, and Beast, the costume looks great! It's just the sort of horribly ugly combination of silk and latex that we need.

(Aura picked up the hem of her dress and dashed through the turnstile, heading down the main thoroughfare of the park. Geek, after spending several moments sobbing, followed her.)

(On the opposite side of the park, Cydric and Turtle were crouched on the ground, using their claws to sketch out assault plans in the dirt. Turtle suddenly leapt up, a triumphant cheer escaping his lips. Cydric sat up and growled, then slashed his claws across the dirt in front of him.)

Cydric: You sunk my battleship, damn you! And in only five turns!

Turtle: That's what you get for not covering your side of the grid.

Cydric: Curse you and your infernal mind games! I'll have your head yet, TurtleToo!

Turtle: That's nice, sir. Now, why don't we just focus on getting into the park?

Cydric: Ah, yes, the park. Any word from our reconnaissance team?

Turtle: Yes, sir. One of the Canuckalisks overheard Geek's grunting while he was looking for a guide map. Geek says his suit itches. Aura then replied that he was a big baby and that he should go jump in a toilet. Then there was a splash, sir.

Cydric: Poo. There's no information on Mickey's whereabouts anywhere. Hey, I thought Geek was allergic to water.

*Inside the park*

Geek: *GRUNT!* *GRUNT!* :::Aura, please! It burns!:::

Aura: Oh, stop thy whining and get thee ready for thy role.

*Outside again*

Turtle: Hope Aura has a camera.

Cydric: Same here. So, did that Canuckalisk get the map?

Turtle: Yup.

(Turtle yanked a map from the ground nearby and plopped it down before his illustrious and auxiliary leader. He stabbed a claw into the main entrance.)

Turtle: I will make a feint to the right, then you can send the Canuckalisks in for a direct assault on the main entrance. Resistance should be light, so we can ransack all of the park before reinforcements arri-

Cydric: No! I want to cut Mickey's head off, not destroy the park! Those Ewoks at the Star Wars ride are too cute and cuddly to eviscerate!


(Cydric smashed Turtle with a parking lot signpost. Turtle flopped over, out cold.)

Cydric: Wow, that felt good! Now I know why Ravil hits me all the time. Hey, you, get over here.

(A Canuckalisk walked over uncertainly.)

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT?*

Cydric: Here. Hit Turtle with it.

(The Canuckalisks hits Turtle with the signpost. Farther off in the park, a slightly saner event was occurring.)

Fjorxc: Yay! Parades! Rides! Games! Fun! Insanely expensive gifts that shatter when you leave the state! It's just like Disney World, but better!

Victor: *to Exile* He'll never figure it out, will he?

Exile: He will. About the time I stop drinking, that is.

Victor: You haven't had a drink all story.

Exile: IV's. They're the wave of the future. *passes out from alcohol poisoning*

Freerunner: Okay, that was useless. So, where are the seats?

(The CWALers glanced around the main boulevard of the Disney-MGM Studios. It was a wide, shop-lined street designed for funneling huge crowds and for allowing parades to pass at certain times. At that particular moment, the edges of the sidewalks were lined with a massive throng of people, all shoving and struggling for a good view of the daily parade.)

(The CWALers were slightly distraught for a few moments, for they saw no places where they could both sit comfortably and see the parade well. As seeing the parades was a highlight of any visit to the Disney parks, it became imperative that they get to a high, unoccupied spot. Freerunner, being her usual clever self, quickly devised a plan to gain them the needed altitude.)

(Ten minutes later, Victor slowly shook his head and gazed out over the heads of the rest of the parade-watchers. The platform that he stood upon, though slightly unstable, was probably the most amazing device he'd ever stood upon. The upper portion, which held the CWALers, was a simple wooden board.)

(Supporting that was a ten-foot-high pile of Chrisk corpses.)

Victor: If I weren't standing on it, I wouldn't believe that this could work. *wrinkles his nose* Or smell this bad.

Freerunner: So I improvised. Hey, the parade's starting!

(Sure enough, her out-stretched finger was fixed upon the form of the first float in the parade. It was a merry-looking thing, bedecked by a large cake and two forms: a humanoid and a large hulked thing that seemed slightly emaciated for a creature of its bulk. The parade's theme that day was a collage of recent and classic Disney movies, along with appearances by random ubiquitous characters such as Mickey.)

Fjorxc: Rocky Point bought out Disney's movies? Neat…

Freerunner: -=One more stupid comment like that and he gets it.=-

(The float, now obvious as the one representing Beauty and the Beast, moved closer. Upon the cake, Aura and Geek were more than a little nervous, though for different reasons.)

Geek: -=Gonna fall, gonna crack head, gonna die…=-

Aura: -=Gonna fall, gonna muss hair, gonna rip dress…=-

Aura and Geek: -=NNNOOOOOO!!!!!=-

(Externally, though, the two managed to stay calm.)


Reader #1: Those two?

Reader #2: Calm?!

(Damn you picky people. Okay, so Geek had a rather large accident and Aura fell to her knees, sobbing in terror of the thought of mussed hair. The crowd, though, didn't particularly care, since nobody in their right mind would have paid attention to a float based on that simpering movie.)

Fjorxc: I knew Disney could never make a movie that great! The drama, the despair, the… smell. Incredib-


Freerunner: Thanks for the help.

*Not a problem. He was getting on our nerves, too.*

(Fjorxc's smoking, limp body was allowed to tumble unceremoniously off the platform as the parade progressed. Aura and Geek eventually recovered their wits and managed to maintain some semblance of dignity. Until another float, several dozen yards back, caught their attention.)

Geek: *GRUNT!* *GRUNT!* :::It's that Mouse guy! Quick, call Cydric!:::

Aura: Goodie. Now we wilt be able to go home.

(Aura pulled out a small black cylinder and hit its top twice. The comlink broadcast a simple double-click to its twin, ingeniously held to Cydric's back by duct tape and chewing gum. The Defiler immediately snapped out an order to converge upon the Mouse sighting. He and Turtle then rallied those Canuckalisks near them toward their leader's holy quest.)

Cydric: Wheee!

(The ground along the parade route began to shake as two dozen Canuckalisks, a Defiler, and a Zergling smashed right through some nearby scenery and mowed down several passing Cuban exiles. They then stopped to look around.)

Turtle: This the right part of the park?

Cydric: I don't know. It had better be, or else Aura and Geek shall serve as an example as to what happens when you do something stupid.

Canuckalisk #2: *GRUNT!*

(Mickey's float passed right by the horde, with the hallowed Mouse sitting atop it, haughtily surveying all that he commanded. The crowd, too caught up by the hypnotic patterns of light and song to notice the Zerg Canadians, cheered wildly. The Canuckalisk that had noticed Mickey leapt forward and immediately rammed into a tree.)

Cydric: Okay, he'll serve as the example. VIVISECT THE RODENT!!!!

(Cydric lunged at the float, jaws agape and hungering for blood. He slammed into the back of the Canuckalisk.)

Turtle: Sir, will you also be serving as an example?

Cydric: *muffled* Shut up.

"Sweet huckleberry pie! What the blue blazes is going on here?"

(Cydric backed his head out of the Canuckalisk only to be confronted by Jimbo, Victor, and Exile, just now brought out of his alcohol poisoning-induced coma.)

Victor: What are those?

Exile: Oh, they're probably Zerg Canadians. We've seen them a few times. Best policy regarding them is to ignore them until they screw up.

(The CWALers turned and walked away.)

Turtle: Ignore us?! Try that on my claws, wretched thing of goodness!

(Turtle hurled himself at Exile and rammed into a plastic tree being carried past by Disney janitors.)

Turtle: We're doomed to be screw-ups for all time, aren't we?

Cydric: We aren't screw-ups. CWALers are the screw-ups. They just haven't realized it yet.

(Aura and Geek burst through the crowd of parade-viewers and plowed over the smaller Turtle and Cydric. They glanced back at the battered forms of the two Zerg.) v Aura: Cydric? Art thou okay?

Cydric: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnrrrrrr… :::I have a stiletto-heeled shoe in my eye. Is that okay to you?:::

Aura: Hey! Thou thief! That's my shoe!

(Aura yanked her shoe out of Cydric and walked off haughtily. Geek yanked Cydric and Turtle to their feet and dusted them off with his tail.)


(Geek realized his tail was three times as large as the Zergling and followed Aura's path of retreat.)

Turtle: Cydric, shouldn't we be getting out of here before one of us is killed by a passing man in a wombat suit?

Cydric: NEVER! We shall not leave until I own the head of Mickey Mouse!

(True to form, Cydric heaved himself to his feet and shouldered his way through the crowd. He scuttled off after the float as soon as he stood on the clear street. The Mouse's float, being slow, was only thirty yards down the street.)

Cydric: MICKEY!

Mickey: *turns around* You wanna piece of me, bug boy? Come get some!

Cydric: You shall die a thousand horrible deaths, infidel! Your tattered, bleeding head shall serve as an example to all stereotypical corporate logos! DDDDDDIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

(Cydric hurled himself through the air, claws outstretched and dripping venom. He saw the look of fear glowing in the eyes of the hated Mouse, could almost hear the rodent's heart beating wildly in terror. Mickey raised his hands in a pitiful attempt to ward off the oncoming blows. Then a gunshot rang out.)

(Cydric panicked, thinking that Disney's security goons had showed up. His flight, suddenly uncontrolled, brought him straight into Mickey. Both man-in-suit and Zerg flew off the float and tumbled along the concrete. Nearby, Fjorxc grinned wildly at a fake gun he had acquired at the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular a few moments ago. His time after waking up had been spent productively.)

Fjorxc: I have GOT to get me one of these!

Freerunner: You just bought that one.

Fjorxc: Actually, you did. I cut up one of those weird pieces of cloth you had in that secret drawer built into the bottom of your bed in that locked room in the underground warehouse that we had built in the center of the Mojave Desert. I got a good price from some weird guy with thick glasses.

(Freerunner's eye twitched.)

Freerunner: You cut up what?

Fjorxc: Some of those-

Freerunner: I heard that part. Don't you realize that that was expensive-

(Freerunner shut up suddenly. Fjorxc didn't.)

Fjorxc: Expensive what? There wasn't much material there at all. I figured that they were double-layered handkerchiefs for kids, or maybe underwear for babies. It looked about wide enough for-

(He paused as Freerunner ran off, sobbing wildly. Fjorxc shrugged, considering it to be another one of those weird things that he would never understand. There were a lot of those for some strange reason. His thoughts turned away from her as a pair of struggling figures rolled by his legs.)

Cydric: Are too a pansy sell-out!

Mickey: Are not!

Cydric: Are too!

Mickey: Are not!

(Cydric rammed a claw into Mickey's groin, eliciting a squeal that was high even for the rat. Cydric grinned happily as Mickey fell back, clutching at his wounded body. Cydric's claws came up, then across.)

Cydric: Ha HAH! I AM THE LAW!

(The Defiler held aloft the severed head of Mickey Mouse as Turtle and the rest of the Canuckalisks gathered around him, grunting ecstatically. Turtle clapped Cydric on the shell.)

Turtle: You finally did it. And if you can get something done right, then I'm sure that Ravil can avoid screwing up the conquest of the United States.

Cydric: What's that supposed to mean?

Turtle: Never mind. Now, who wants to go see that Alien ride in the Magic Kingdom?

"You aren't going anywhere."

(Amidst their celebration, the Zerg Canadians had not noticed the horde of Disney security goons encircling them. Various men and women in Disney character suits also peppered the ranks of the surrounding horde. Cydric gulped slightly.)

Cydric: Uh-oh.

Minnie: He killed my boyfriend! Get the bastard!

(The horde closed in.)


Three hours later

(CWAL HV, having managed to go on most of the rides in the park without somehow getting killed, had returned to the Orca for their trip home. However, the great majority of the Zerg Canadians were lying in a heap along the side of the Studio's main boulevard. It was here that Aura and Geek, the only conscious members of the group, came upon them. The dismayed pair surveyed the carnage.)

Geek: *GRUNT…* :::Not even one dead security goon. We must really be out of marauding practice.:::

Aura: Thou hath never even been on a rampage, Geek.

Geek: *GRUNT* :::Stop making fun of me…:::

Aura: No. Cydric, wake up!

(Cydric gurgled. Turtle squelched in a pool of his own blood.)

Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* :::Looks like we're dragging them back to the lair this time.:::

Aura: Us? Drag them all the way to Canada? Geek, thou hast lost thy mind.

(But the woman shrugged resignedly when Geek began to tug at the foot of one Canuckalisk. She grabbed Cydric and hoisted the Defiler over her shoulder, grunting with the effort.)

Aura: Cydric, thou art going on a diet. No more Girl Scouts for thee.

*At the Underground Lair, one week later*

(The entirety of the Zerg Canadians lay in the main cavern of the Underground Lair, slowly recuperating from their wounds. Even Aura and Geek were there, Geek having pulled every one of his muscles and Aura having to recover from the mental trauma of having ten separate comatose Canuckalisks evacuate their systems on ten separate outfits.)

(At about that moment, Ravil and Sofielisk appeared in the main entrance. The Hunter-Killer stood tall and proud, his mind restored by a restful week of slaughtering tribal natives in Brazil. Ravil slithered up to Cydric, eyes surveying the horde.)

Ravil: Why, Cydric, the Canuckalisks look like they've had an excellent week! You guys must have had one hell of a marauding spree!

Cydric's Brain: -=Don't tell him what really happened.=-

Cydric: -=But I wanna mock him! I got Mickey Mouse's head and he hasn't even conquered the crummy United States!=-

Brain: -=We can go Girl Scout hunting if stay quiet.=-

Cydric: -=You got yourself a deal, my synaptic ally in eating.=-

Sofie: The Lair look pretty good, too. All those nice bloodstains… What kind of blood is that? Human? Protoss?

Turtle: It's, uh, goat blood! Yeah, that's it…

Jasmine: Goat blood?

Turtle: We joined a Satanic cult. See?

(Turtle put on a black robe and placed the bleached skull of a yak on his head. He started mumbling chants designed to summon the Ultimate Incarnation of Darkness.)

Jasmine: Oh, neat. Gotta try that cult thing someday.

Ravil: No arguments here, dear. Well, I think you all need to be rewarded for your excellent work over the period of my absence. So, Cydric, we're all going to Disneyland!

Cydric: NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!


Aura: *broken sobbing*

Geek: *GRUNT* *GRUNT* *GRUNT* :::I can feel my will to live slipping away. At this moment nothing appeals to me more than the sweet embrace of death erasing the agonizing memories of that horrible time from my mind. Good bye, world.:::

*BLAM* *tink*

Geek: *GRUNT* :::Stupid thick Zerg skulls.:::

Ravil: What the hell was that all about?

Cydric: Nothing. It was nothing at all. In fact, sire, I think we could all use a bit of rest right now. Let's all stay here at the Lair. Safe. Sound. No evil women in foam rubber mouse suits who beat you with streetlights.

Sassy: Let's not bother asking. It might hurt.


CWAL HV headquarters

(Turtle's chant, interrupted by the horror of Ravil's suggestion, had still summoned its target. However, he appeared in a slightly different place. The Ultimate Incarnation of Evil swirled to life in CWAL HV Headquarters.)

Ultimate Incarnation of Darkness: Tinky-winky! :::I HAVE RETURNED FOR MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU, FJORXC!:::



Aura: Palin, thou hast NO idea of what I'm going to do to you for starting thy stupid habit.


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