Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 5 Scene 2
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene: A dark alleyway that has not yet been torn apart by the Canuckalisk rampage. The frenzied battle between CWAL'ers and Zerg Canadians is continuing, with Irvine burning in the background. Where is my fiddle when I need it?)

(Fron stands in the center of the alleyway, weilding his Cattle prod against one of the gigantic beasts.)

Fron: What be thy problem, rap-scallion? Canst thou not take a little prod?

(There is a loud *ZAP* as Fron plunges his prod into the Canuckalisk's hide. Too bad it wasn't this easy for the GWF.)

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT*!

(The Canuckalisk leaps towards Fron, smashing several trashcans as it does. Fron levels his Cattle Prod and forces the Canuckalisk back with a sharp blow to the head.)

Fron: Ten…

(The Canuckalisk roars in anger.)

Fron: …Nine…Eight…

(The Canuckalisk, having finished its show of bravado, charges once again at Fron.)

Fron: …Seven…Six…

(Fron's Prod comes into contact with the creature's armoured head, stunning it momentairly.)

Fron: …Five…Four…Three…

(The Canuckalisk gets up, and starts kicking its head as if there is a ringing in its ears.)

Fron: …Two…One…

(The Canuckalisk roars in agony.)

Fron: Um…um…damn! Aura, what doth come next?

Aura: ZERO!

(The Canuckalisk is disintegrated where it stands, its life essence sucked away and its shell destroyed. Aura emerges from the alleyway behind Fron.)

Aura: Mmm…tastes like chicken. And I believe that doth make it CWAL 17, Canuckalisks 0…

Fron: (Shouting) Grorx! Herd in the next one!


(Scene: A rooftop above the alleyway. Grorx and Lothos are up there, as planned.)

Fron: (From below) Grorx! Herd in the next one!

(Grorx moves over to the edge of the roof and salutes Fron.)

Grorx: Okay Lothos … ammunition!

(Lothos pulls out a tissue and blows into it. He places it on the floor while it gradually turns green and begins to smoulder.)

Lothos: (Whining) Canst thou not use something else? I hath been cultivating this stuff for years!

Grorx: Well, what other of thy bodily secretions are we supposed to use?

(Lothos looks down.)

Grorx: Oh God no! Forget I asked!

(Grorx pulls out a large pair of tweezers and places the explosive tissue in a handy bazooka. Funny what you can pick up at a Seven-Eleven these days…)

Grorx: Okay Fron! Fire in thy hold!

(As Grorx takes aim to guide another Canuckalisk towards Fron's position and its certain doom, Lothos picks up his staff lying on the floor. Feeling rather bored and very used by his companions, he decides to remedy the situation by bringing in the solution to all problems … a television. Conjuring a spell, he creates a power socket, a TV, and several videos. But just as he is about to plug them in…)

Lothos: Uh-oh … Grorx … my magic 'tis playing up … I got exactly what I wanted when I didst want it. Ye only other time this hath happened wast when I encountered ye dimensional rift … something must have happened to create another one around here!

Grorx: (Concentrating on the fight below) Woohoo! Looketh at that Canuckalisk burn!

Lothos: If there is, then I couldst open it, and suck all yonder Zerg Canadians through it!

Grorx: (Not paying attention to him at all) Lothos, maketh me some more tissue bombs…

(Suddenly, he is cut off by the overhead squeal of a Surralisk which has spotted them. There is a screeching as one of the creature's Glave Wurms slices through the air towards Grorx. A scream tries to rise up from his throat, only to discover that he no longer has a throat. His dead body topples over the side of the building and down to the ground below.)

Lothos: You killed Grorx! YOU BASTARD!

(He casts a lightning bolt, which disintegrates the retreating Surralisk.)

Lothos: Hey, it didst work again! This must be one hell of a rift! I shalt find it, and suck yonder Canuckalisks' hideous Zerg asses through it!

(He flips through the TV guide for several minutes to make sure that he isn't missing anything good, and then bolts upright and charges off to search for a dimensional rift.)


(Scene: The Zerg Canadian Field HQ.)

Cydric: (On the verge of tears) Why won't this thing work! I want to get more followers! WAAAAAAAAHHHH!

(The Geek has been trying to tweak his new invention for the last ten minutes. Finally, out of exasperation, he gives it a mighty whack with one of his tusks. At once the device, which can control the minds of all Zerg CWAL'ers, begins to hum and glow.)

Geek: *GRUNT*!


(He charges off to join the fray. The Canuckalisk Geek shakes his head and goes back to reading his 'PlayBug' magazine.)


(Scene: Inside Blizzard Headquarters. Webrunner, Noid, and Dee are making their way through the corridors very carefully. The former two were inside on countless raids in the past, but never before have they seen it looking like this. The place was even more shabby and run-down than usual. Dust was gathered everywhere, and all of the elaborate security systems and surprise anti-CWAL traps had lain dormant and broken for quite some time.)

Noid: (Nervously) This place still gives me the creeps…

Webrunner: I know what you mean. I half-expect a Flenser or five to come popping out of the shadows in front of us at any moment…

(Suddenly a dark figure pops out of the shadows in front of them. Webrunner and Noid accomplish the difficult task of screaming and peeing their pants at the same time. Dee, however, steps forward, fists clenched.)

Dee: All right, who are you?

Dark Figure: You doth have naught to fear from me, CWAL'erssssss, not ssssssince they left thisssss place.

Dee: I'd know that voice in any universe…

(The dark figure emerges from the shadows, revealing the unmistakable half-zerg features of…)

Noid: (Gasps) Sephroth!

Webrunner: (Throws up his arms) That's it. After all we've been through, we're dead.

Sephroth: (Chuckles) Assss I sssaid, you do not need to fear me. I didssst conquer the evil pressssence that had posssessed me many monthssss ago.

Dee: (Still suspicious) So you're back to your old self?

Sephroth: In a manner of ssspeaking, yesss. I refusssed to help Blizzard anymore, sssso they left me behind when they moved their operationssss down to Acapulco.

Noid: I wonder why our Blizzard didn't think of that.

Webrunner: Why didn't you go back to CWAL?

Sephroth: They wouldn't take me, not after all of the heinoussss thingssss that I have done to them…

Dee: (A little edgy) Well, its been lovely chatting with you, Seph, but we've got to find someone. Did you see another CWAL'er wandering around here earlier? Name of Gluegun?

Sephroth: Yesssss actually, I do recall sssseeing that little fellow…(Suddenly, his eyes glaze over, and his entire body stiffens. All three of the universe-hoppers look at him inquisitively, not knowing what is going on. Unfortunately for all present, the emissions from the Geek's device have reached Sephroth's brain.) Mussst … serve … Cydric. Mussst … kill … CWAL'ers. (Glares at the three) You … are … CWAL'ers. You … mussst … die.

Webrunner: Oh crap…

(Without further adue, Sephroth lunged at them.)


(Scene: Inside the CWAL Crypt. A loud yawn reverberates through the corridors and passageways as Sofielisk awakens.)

Sofie: Mmmm … That was a most wonderful Catnap!

Jasmine: … Must … serve … Cydric …

Sofie: Huh? What's wrong with you?

Sassy: She probably didst have a little too much of that Shakuran Ale. (Whacks Jasmine upside the head.)

Jasmine: … Must … serve … ow! Sassy, that hurt!

Sofie: Sassy, you're as good as your word.

Sassy: Of course I am. Heeeeyyyy … can you smell something?

Sofie: It smells like something burning… Like…

All Three: ROAST BEEF!!!!

(The Hydralisk bolts upright and charges towards the source of the smell.)

Sofie: Mmmm … beef …

Sassy: Mmmm … beef …

Jasmine: Er, Sofie … thou might not want to eat that…

Sofie: Why not?

Jasmine: Look at yon beef.

(The Hydralisk looks down.)


Jasmine: (In immense pain due to her hangover, and the emissions from Cydric's device, which don't seem to be affecting the others.) Keep the noise down!

Sofie: Oh, Ravil! I didst want to cook thou…

(Sofielisk begins to cough up blood.)

Sassy: There, there, Sofie! There will be plenty of other Hydralisks…

(Sofielisk stops coughing up blood.)

Sofie: Thou art right, Sassy. But he wilt be the first…

(Sofielisk disconnects Ravil from Tempus and picks up the roasted corpse. She takes a bite out of his stomach.)

Jasmine: Sofie!

Sofie: Sorry, I couldst not resist.

(Sofielisk carries the body up into the most revered section of the CWAL Crypt: the Founders' Chamber.)

Sofie: I know he wast not a founder, but he dost deserve ye most elegant grave.

(Sofielisk opens the door to Iolaus' crypt, with every intention of dragging his body out and replacing it with Ravil's, but when she sees inside, her jaw drops. Iolaus is alive and looking quite well, in a hot tub in the most expensive-looking grave in the entire complex. In fact, it makes the Ritz look like a cardboard box. The inside of his "coffin" is actually a luxury condo.)

Iolaus: Who art thou? Get in or stay out, but you're letting in the cold air!

(Sofie climbs in and shuts the lid.)

Sofie: Iolaus? I was told thou hadst died at ye battle of Arlington Heights…

Iolaus: (Sighs, while scrubbing his back) No. I guess my secret is out … when we built ye Crypt, Supernook and I's tombs were just so wonderful that we just wanted to stay here for eternity. Plus we didst want to get away from all of the whining CWAL'ers. So we arranged to stage our deaths and live in the crypts forevor.

Sassy: I see ... and how dost thou gettest food?

Iolaus: We also 'killed' Shriek so that Dragoneyes would be lonely and marry Fron. He dost do our groceries as repayment.

(The small dragon waves from another hot tub across the room.)

Jasmine: It ... all makes sense now.

Sassy: Well, 'twas a pleasure meeting you. We wilt just leave this hunk of...

Jasmine: Hey! Where didst Ravil go?

Sofie: (Smacking her lips) Sorry, I ate him whilst Ioluas wast talking.

Jasmine: Weren't thou suppos'd to love him?

Sofie: Nothing comes between me and Roast Hydralisk...

(Sofie starts eyeing Jasmine and Sassy hungrily.)

Sassy: I dost not think that ist too good of an idea, Sofie.

Sofie: (Pouting) Fine.

Iolaus: *cough* Canst thou please leave me for dead now?

Sofie: Oh alright...

(Sofielisk wanders back out, and shuts the lid behind her.)

Iolaus: (Shaking his head) Newbies...


(Scene: Elsewhere in Irvine, in the heat of the battle. The ground is littered with Zerg Canadian and CWAL'er bodies alike, along with several tons of Canuckalisk Crap© (Canuckalisks have little control over those intestinall muscles when they get excited by the heat of battle). Not far from Fron's position, Cydric has joined the few Canuckalisks still left alive in this section of the battle.)

Cydric: So they doth keep going into yonder alleyway and not coming back out?

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT*

Cydric: Wow! Maybe they didst find a new Tequila joint! Let's go!

Canuckalisk: *GRUNT* *GRUNT*

Cydric: A trap? Of course 'tis not a trap! Dost thou think that CWAL'ers are capable of the brainpower required for that? Now let's go getteth a little something to drink!

(Suddenly, another small figure wanders up.)

Mz: (Glazed look in his eyes) Must ... serve ... Cydric ...

Cydric: (Rubs his tentacles together in glee) It doth work! Gee, this 'tis more fun than Defiler in-breeding! We wert just going for a few drinks, zergling. Follow us!

(Cydric and one of the Canuckalisks go into the dark alley, followed by Mz. Suddenly, standing in front of them with Cattle Prod in hand, is Fron.)

Fron: Cydric! I didst wonder when thou would showeth thyself!

Cydric: Fron! 'Tis time for you to meet thy doom. Make thy peace with the Almighty Cattle Prod! Mz ... KILL!


(The zergling leaps at Fron using his powerful spring-like legs, knocking CWAL's leader over and sitting on top of him. Fron waves his Cattle Prod around, trying to get the heavy little critter off of his sternum.)

Fron: ACK! Aura, HELP!

(From the shadows, Aura's eyes are already glowing a deep crimson. Suddenly, Mz squeals in pain, and his body is abruptly disintegrated before their very eyes. Fron remains on the ground, groaning in pain.)

Cydric: (Spotting Aura) I didst suspect there 'twas something foul down here, but I didst think it was only Lothos!

Aura: (Eyes glowing as she locks on to Cydric) You shalt find that Lothos is not the only one capable of being foul.

Cydric: I suppose that thou shouldst have used a little more underarm deoderant as well...

Aura: WHAT?!? I shalt kill you for that!

(Cydric begins to feel the burn of Aura's absorbtion all around him. Getting an idea, he secreets some of the cancerous poisons around his body that form the dreaded Plague spell, and launches them at Aura. They splatter all over her, causing her to lose concentration.)

Aura: AAAAAHHHH! Thou hast ruined my hair!

(Several seconds go by, with the Plague toxins seeping into every pore of Aura's body, and mutating her genetic structure to resemble that of...)

Infested Aura: Must ... serve ... Cydric ...

Fron: (Getting on to his feet) Oh no!

Cydric: Wow! Now we've got a real babe on our side! (Oggles Aura for a moment, and then points towards Fron) Babe, kill that CWAL'er.

Infested Aura: KILL KILL KILL!

(A second later, Fron looks down, and there is a knife sticking into his chest.)

Fron: (Collapses to the ground) Et tu, Aura? (Dies)

Cydric: (Giggles like a schoolgirl) Wheeeee! This sure is fun! Come on, babe, let us go killeth somebody else!

(Aura, who still appears physically the same, but is now infested inside, nods in agreement, and they leave the alleyway to find themselves another CWAL'er.)


(Scene: Blizzard HQ. Backpedaling as quickly as she can, Dee narrowly misses Sephroth's claw as it whizzes by her face and imbeds itself several inches into the wall. The three universe hoppers prepare to defend themselves to the best of their abilities.)

Webrunner and Noid: AAAAAAAHHHHH! (Both of them faint dead away, leaving Dee to fend for herself.)

Dee: (To Sephroth) I thought you said that we didn't have anything to fear from you!

Sephroth: (Still under the influence of Cydric's mind control) KILL KILL KILL!

Dee: Obviously we do...

(Sephroth swings again, grazing the front of Dee's shirt, and taking himself off balance for a moment. The CWAL'er from another dimension takes advantage, planting one of her feet firmly in the half-zerg's chest. He staggers back several feet, but continues to hiss and advances once more. Before Dee can respond, his claws slash at her face, and her blood trickles down her body and onto the floor.)

Dee: ARGH! Okay Sephroth, I didn't really want to hurt you, but... (Spots a fire extinguisher on the wall, which she seizes and points at the approaching ex-CWAL'er) ...okay, so maybe I do want to hurt you.

(She pulls the trigger, and immediately fire-supressing foam shoots out and strikes Sephroth in the face, blinding him momentairly. Unfortunately, there had been a lot of fires in Blizzard's kitchen when they were attempting to make their own soda, so the extinguisher doesn't have much foam left in it. Once it is emptied, Dee moves in on Sephroth, who is still wiping the guck out of his eyes.)

Dee: This is for every Dragoneyes there ever was!

(With a swift movement, she brings her foot up into his half-zerg crotch, hard (not that way, sicko). Sephroth's jaw hangs open and he groans in intense pain. Hoisting the empty extinguisher, Dee swings it at Sephroth. The cannister slams into the side of his head, the impact of which sends the rest of him crashing against the wall. He slumps to the ground, dead. Dee stares down at the corpse for several moments, breathing heavily. She then goes back and revives Webrunner and Noid.)

Dee: It's over. He's dead.

Noid: (Blinks) Sephroth?!? Boy Dee, remind me never to get you pissed at me!

Dee: (Smiles wryly) I'll keep that in mind. Gluegun's slip point isn't too far now ... let's go before something else can go wrong in this damned reality.

Noid: Agreed.

(All three of them proceed down the hallway to their destination in hopes of catching up with their friend the next time. As they reach a certain room, Noid scans it and nods gratefully.)

Noid: This is it ... over in that corner there. Everyone gather around!

Webrunner: (Just before the white energy of the trans-dimensional slip consumes him.) Um ... do I have time to change my shorts before we go universe jumping again?


(Scene: Downtown Irvine. Laeryn stands by himself at the top of one street, opposite several very angry and generally antisocial Canuckalisks, who are preparing to charge him. The powerful elf mutters a few words, and waves his arms as if doing a little jig. Suddenly, an arcane fireball appears in front of him out of nowhere and tears towards the Canuckalisks, who are vaporized almost instantly. He smirks to himself.)

Laeryn: All too easy...

(He spots another fray going on up in the air. A group of Surralisks are busily pulling Seraph's wings off like a kid killing a butterfly. He begins his mystical incantation once more, and doesn't even notice as another figure runs up beside him, panting heavily.)

Lothos: Hey Laeryn ... *pant* have you *pant* seen a *pant* temporal rift *pant* around here anywhere? *pant*

(At first there is no reply, since Laeryn is deeply focused upon his work. But then, the fumes from Lothos' breath reach his nose, and the elf's eyes go wide. His spell only half completed, his cheeks swell up, his eyes go wide, and his skin turns a sickening shade of green. Without further ado, the elf topples over, dead.)

Lothos: Hmmm ... maybe it 'twas that block of goat cheese I had for breakfast...

(Suddenly, the air crackles around him as the very fabric of reality is torn. Laeryn's incomplete incantation seems to have caused a Spell Storm, an occurence that is referred to in the magical community as "The Shit Hitting the Fan". Lightning crackles out of thin air, wind is kicked up, and the delicate fabric of space/time starts to rip. Lothos covers his eyes as a blinding flash of light fills the street. When he looks again, there is a large swirling vortex that has formed directly in front of him.)

Lothos: Hey! MY TEMPORAL RIFT! I'M A GENIUS! Now all that I have got to do is to sucketh all of the Zerg Canadians through yonder rift!

(Hoping that it will still work as planned, Lothos begins to summon his patented Underworld Whirlwinds.)


(Scene: CWAL Prime (Yes, the "real" CWAL universe). In a small laundromat several buildings down from the Starbucks', Fjorxc is waiting impatiently for another load of laundry to be done. It appears to be his turn to do CWAL's considerable laundry. Or, more likely, he has been suckered into doing it.)

Fjorxc: (Grumbling to himself whilst reading a 'PlayOrca' magazine) ...stupid Snapper. I knew I should have looked at that coin after it landed...

(Suddenly, an eerie glow catches his attention out of the corner of his eye. Turning to find out what it is, he sees a strange, arcane light coming from an adjacent room where some of the laundry is being kept. The natural assumption would be that...)

Fjorxc: Dammit Lothos! I thought I told you to start storing your dirty laundry in a lead box! What am I gonna do now? The last time Jolt touched it, he was glowing like a neon sign for a week!

(Sighing, he decides to leave Lothos' laundry until later, and turns back to a particularly interesting article in his magazine. Naturally, he only reads them for the articles.)

Fjorxc: Doesn't everybody?

(Turning his attention back to the magazine, he doesn't give the eerie glow a second thought.)


(Scene: Back in the other universe. Sofielisk has just emerged from the Crypt, somewhat saddened by the loss of her lover Ravil.)

Sofie: *sob* How we shalt ever get through to the next feeding time, I know not!

Sassy: Hey, cheer thyself up, Sofie! Here comes our next course!

(Skipping merrily towards the CWAL Crypt is Cydric, humming the tune to 'Celebration' as best he can, with Infested Aura tagging along behind him like a mindless zombie. He spots the Hydralisk almost immediately.)

Cydric: Sofielisk?!? Methought you were dead!

Sofie: (Licking her chomps) And I thoughteth that you were straight. It appears that we were both in err.

Cydric: (Growls fiercely) Your heckling doth mean less to me than sleeping with my sister. Aura ... dispose of this wretched Ravil-hater!

Jasmine: 'Twere it not for you, Ravil would still be alive!

Cydric: Oh yeah. Well ... Aura, dispose of this wretched Ravil-lover!

(Aura's eyes begin to glow red.)

Sassy: Aura, don't do it!

Sofie: Our spirit doth not taste very good!

Infested Aura: (Quietly) I ... art ... sorry ... Sofie ...

(Then, a gentle breeze blows between them. Then another. And another. Within seconds, a violent maelstrom has been kicked up, courtesy of Lothos and the Underworld.)


(There is no reply, as the gigantic cyclones begin lifting each and every Zerg Canadian off of the ground, and high into there air. There is confused grunting and screeching from every corner of Irvine as the whirlwinds bring the Zerg towards one focal point ... the temporal rift.)


(In a mysterious act of deja vu, Lothos takes aim and hurtles the Zerg Canadians out of the whirlwinds and towards the waiting portal. Unfortunately, Lothos is the one who, in the CWAL Dart Tournament, was judged more likely to hit Washington D.C. than the dart board. Most of the Canuckalisks and Surralisks miss the rift by a good ten meters, landing instead on the hard cement with sickening *thuds*. Cydric too misses the portal, and is slammed against a building, and from there slumps down to the ground, groaning. There were two beings, however, that he does manage to dispose of into another reality.)

Sofie: Oh my. We seem to be heading towards that glowing mass.

Sassy: Lothos you idiot! Get rid of THEM, not US!

Jasmine: You know, ever since we met that Ravil, our lives seem to have gone downhill.

Sofie: Hey, you're right! He ist the one who caused all of thi - AAAAAAHHHHH!

(With that, Sofielisk is sucked through the waiting temporal rift. Not too far behind is another figure, one who's shape and form could not easily be mistakened for that of a Zerg.)


(The other former CWAL'er is likewise tossed through carelessly. The portal remains open for a few more seconds, and then closes with a flash of cyan light. There is an eerie silence that falls upon Irvine. Finally, Lothos dares to open his eyes, very, very slowly.)

Lothos: (Very surprised) Hey, it worked! What doth thou know?

Duraznos: We won! HEY EVERYONE, WE WON!

(There is a collective cry of victory from the surviving CWAL'ers. The ground around Lothos is littered with the bodies of Canuckalisks and Surralisks who were not fortunate enough to walk away from the impact with the cement. However, the ground is also thick with the blood of many a valiant CWAL'er. In the background, the city of Irvine is now little more than a blackened heap of rubble, charred and smouldering in the dawn's early light.)


(Scene: A small hill outside of Irvine. The bodies of the fallen CWAL'ers, as well as all of the wounded, have been brought there to recuperate. The light from a new day streams down upon them.)

Gaval: You know, 'tis strange. Throughout this entire story, I had this feeling that I wast going to be killed in a glorious and martyring fashion. But it doth look like I am still here. Strange, huh? (He takes out a CWAL Combat Ration to munch on, and promptly chokes on it and dies.)

(Nearby, Lothos and Dragoneyes, who is still bandaged and unable to move more than a few inches in any direction, are sitting and watching the sunrise.)

Lothos: (Sadly) My TV ... my remote control ... my life ... all gone ...

Dragoneyes: (From under the bandages) There there. Fron is dead, but you doth not see me whining about it.

Lothos: (Stunned by the prospect of carrying on a conversation, now that he has no TV to watch) DE, might I ask thou a question? Why did thou not kill Fron long ago? The way he treated you like his little love toy...

Dragoneyes: (A small smile tugging at her mouth) There 'tis a reason for that. You see, on our wedding night, he didst make a few comments about the size of my ... never mind. But that didst displease me, so I was forced to do some ... surgery.

Lothos: What kind of surgery?

Dragoneyes: Well, didst thou notice how he hast always walked with a limp since we wert married?

Lothos: Yesssss...

Dragoneyes: And thou didst notice how he never auditioned for yon Underwear commericals with the rest of CWAL?

Lothos: Yesssss...

Dragoneyes: And thou didst notice how his noice became higher-pitched?

Lothos: Yessssss...

Dragoneyes: (Shakes her head at his incomotence.) Think about that for a while.

(Ten minutes of silence follows, after which an ear-splitting howl can be heard coming from Lothos at the very thought of it, reverberating through the ruins of Irvine.)


(Scene: The ruins of Irvine. Most of the flames have burned themselves out by this point. Among the ashes, there is a stirring and a groaning as a tattered and beaten figure pulls himself up and shakes himself off. Naturally, it is Cydric, most of his wounds having regenerated since having been slammed into a brick wall at high speeds. He looks around and starts to cry.)

Cydric: My glorious Canuckalisk army! My chances at power and fame! All the copies of PlayBug they borrowed from me! NOOOOOO!

(He begins to sob uncontrollably. Suddenly, somone taps him on the shoulder. He turns around to see four phantasmal apparations hovering in front of him.)

Ghost of Ravil: BOO!

Cydric: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Bolts off as fast as he can.)

Ghost of Ravil: You know, I think that I may learn to like it here.

Ghost of Turtle: I can think of far less enjoyable activities than scaring yon shit out of Cydric all day.

Ghost of Snapper: Shh! Dost thou not see that Tassadar and I art trying to play cards here?!?

Ghost of Tassadar: Stupid inconsiderate Zerg...

Ghost of Ravil: Hehe ... let's go get him, Turtle!

(The two Zerg phantoms float off to pursue their treacherous mortal kin, while Snapper and Tassadar start a new game of Poker.)


(Scene: CWAL Prime. Fjorxc has fallen asleep while waiting for the little timer to go *ding* on the machine that is drying Mu's laundry. Unfortunately, the timer is broken, and all of Mu's clothing could now be used to clothe toy dolls. The slightly crazed pilot is still asleep when the glow from the other room errupts into a flash of cyan light, and then disappears completely. Voices can be heard coming from within.)

Sofie: Yuck! Dirty clothes!

Jasmine: Where art we? How didst we get here?

Sassy: I doth not think that we are in Kansas anymore...

Sofie: Wrong script, Sassy.

(Another figure claws its way out from under the enormous pile of rather disgusting laundry.)

Infested Aura: Ohhh ... I doth feel like I have such a hangover!

Sofie: Ack! She hast followed us through! Sassy, get thy gun!

Infested Aura: Wait! I art not under Cydric's control any longer!

Sassy: (Suspiciously) We must test thou. What is thy opinion of two Defilers making passionate love?

(Aura throws up.)

Sassy: She ist telling the truth.

Sofie: If thou art not affected by Cydric's most foul device any more, then we must not be anywhere near him. Could it be possible that we wert thrown into another reality by yon Lothos' temporal rift?

Infested Aura: 'Tis a distinct possibility. If so, then we art out of our rightful place in the omniverse.

Jasmine: Maybe there 'tis a CWAL in this reality that we can join.

Infested Aura: (Shakes her head) Nay. I doubt that they would take me after they didst find out that I 'twas infested by the Zerg. No, first I must find some way to undo the wretched spell that hast been cast upon my beautiful body.

Sofie: Not to be MODEST or anything...

Sassy: Where shalt thou go?

Infested Aura: Perhaps I shalt attempt to seek out the Zerg Canadians of this reality, perchance that they hold the key to my normal self. Besides ... the zerg part of me doth want to kill something.

Sofie: No way are we going anywhere near yon scumbag Ravil! He hath destroyed everything that we didst love, and he hast given us indigestion as well!

(Sassy farts.)

Sofie and Jasmine: EEEEEWWWWW!

Sassy: (Sticking out her tongue) Thou who didst smelt it didst dealt it.

Infested Aura: (Sighing)Then may I wish thou luck. Perhaps someday we shalt meet again, Sofielisk. Just do not come to call around feeding time.

(Just as the two of them prepare to leave the laundormat and head their seperate ways, there is a chiming at the door as another being enters.)

Krath: (Rather peeved) FORKS! Where's our laundry? I've got a heavy date tonight, and I need my cumberbund! (Sees Fjorxc asleep on top of a washing machine, and sighs deeply.) I suppose that's what happens when you're up all night beating your head against the w-

(Suddenly, he spots the two CWAL'ers from another reality emerge from the back room. He stares at them blankly for a moment. Then his eyes go wide, his jaw drops open, and drool starts to drip down onto the floor. Terror fills his heart as he gazes upon two beings that he saw die before his very eyes in his own reality, and one of which returned from the dead specifically to haunt him.)

Krath: Aaaa-gahhhh ... Aaaa-geeee...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

(With remarkable speed and agility, Krath hurtles himself out one of the laundromat's front windows, scattering shards of glass in all directions down the street. Scrambling back up to his feet, he runs back towards CWAL Headquarters, screaming at the top of his lungs and ranting and raving about Sofielisk and Aura returning to haunt him.)

Jasmine: (Somewhat annoyed) It must have been the stench. Sassy, the next time that we dost have Roast Hydralisk, remindeth me to make thou take it with a few drops of Bean-O.

(With that, both of them walk out of the laundromat and into the street. Sofie heads towards the Starbucks in the distance, while Aura heads north on a road that will conveniently take her straight to Canada. The sun streams off of their backs as in some cheesy western movie.)

(Back in the laundromat, Fjorxc wakes up.)

Fjorxc: NO! NOOOOO! BACK, YOU MANGY ALPACAS! BACK! ... Woah! That was one hell of a dream!

(He looks over to where Lothos' laundry is piled, and sees something strange lying on top. Going over, he examines it more closely. It appears to be the T-Bone left over from a certain Hydralisk's Engagement Steak, in a reality far, far away. However, not knowing its significance or history, he sniffs it to see if it is still good, makes a face, and then chucks it over his shoulder and into the garbage can. He then goes back to folding and sorting laundry.)



Story Design:

Senior Designers:

Original Story:
William Shakespeare

Story and Script:

3D Cinematic Artwork:

Voice Recording Engineer:

QA Assault Team:

Customer Support:

Hue the third Canuckalisk from the left

Generally helpful little elf: DarkLight

Special Disclaimer:
We would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anybody that we happened to offend with this story (this would mean all of you that appeared in it), but especially to Dragoneyes. We realize that many of the jokes that were made in this story were in very bad taste, DE, and were often at your expense. Nothing personal was meant by any of it ... the only reason that we cast you in the role that we did was for humorous effect ... nothing more, nothing less. So again, we apologize. It was all in good fun, and was an effort to keep CWAL fresh and original. And if nothing else, it explored some unmarked territory.

Special Thanks To:
DarkLight ... without you, we would have been lynched for making everyone wait for a bad story. J
Fron ... for maintaining a good nature about all of this. Please don't sue.
Dragoneyes ... for providing the butt-end of most of our jokes. Please don't kill us.
Leonardo DiCaprio ... for providing us with a reason to mutilate a perfectly good play even further.
Playdohpuss ... for creating the great Infinite Horizons storyline.
Operation CWAL ... for all of the death threats.

Thanks To:
Coffee, Jackie Chan, Pizza 73, The Calgary Flames, Blizzard Entertainment for killing the Anthology Project (we appreciate it :P), Ralph the Cola Guy, James Pede (TurtleToo), William Shakespeare (BigBadWillyBoy), Cannon Fodder Inc., Coffee, Sephroth, Fjorxc the Maniac, Snapper, Gaval (I guess I'll have to wait until the next story to kill all the Slayers again! :P), the soundtrack from Dune, Blockbuster Video, Coca-Cola International, Dave Barry, The CMS Canuck, Operation Take Over Alpacas, Mother's Pizza, John Williams, May 19th, Coffee, McDonalds Restaraunt, Stomach Pumps, and YOU for reading this!

Dedicated To, and In Memory Of:
Bobbie-Jean C. Wherever you are, take care of yourself.

The principal mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the
opening of new frontiers.
-- Arthur Koestler


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