Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 5 Scene 1
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene: A Las Vegas casino. The camera pans in with a glorious view of the City of Sin. Somewhere a firefight is taking place between rival gangster organizations. Elsewhere a writer and his lawyer go speeding down the highway in a sports car, chased by blood-sucking bats. Finally, inside one of the city's bigger casinos, a lone Hydralisk is discovering the joys of gambling at a roulette table. So far he has made several thousand dollars and is extremely happy. It is a well-documented fact that Zerg are very successful at - and are highly addicted - to gambling. It's the only reason that Earth is still here.)

Ravil: One thousand on black!

Tablehand: As thou doth desire, sir.

(The tablehand has gathered up the votes and spins the wheel.)

Tablehand: (Nonchalantly) Black.

Ravil: YES!!

(There is a disturbance in the back as several tables are knocked over. A cloaked Protoss tries to walk through the crowded gambling hall as discreetly as possible.)

Ravil: I doth love this game!!!

Tablehand: (Tiredly) Wouldst the gentleman Zerg care to place another bet, or may I go home now?

Ravil: More! MORE!!

(The Protoss approaches Ravil and taps him on the shoulder. Ravil turns around, but sees nobody.)

Ravil: AAAAHHH! I art hallucinating! I should have eased up on the Zerg Acid…

Protoss: (Decloaks) Ravil! I am most glad I found you … Sofielisk hath died!

Ravil: (Blank expression) Sofie - who?

Protoss: Thy true love.

Ravil: (Blank expression) I love Roulette.

Protoss: (Scratches his head, considering what to do) Dost thou not remember thy passion for Sofielisk?

Ravil: (Squinting and thinking hard) Vaguely…

Protoss: (Getting annoyed and manipulative) Well … if she hath died, you wilst lose all gambling ability.

Ravil: (Panicking) I will? And she may have died? Then, by Daggoth, I must hurry!

(Ravil slithers out of the Casino, but not before grabbing a six-pack for the road. The Protoss takes Ravil's seat at the Roulette table.)

Protoss: Ten on red.

(At the other end of the Casino, another Protoss enters. He follows the trail of Creep to where Ravil had been sitting, and spots his kindred being there instead. The second Protoss taps the first on the shoulder, and they turn to face each other.)

Protoss #1: Avenger! What art thou doing here?

Protoss #2: Exile? I wast looking for Ravil!

Exile: Oh. He doth not be here.

Avenger: Well, where is yon Canuckalisk King? Have you seen him?

Exile: I didst hear that his love, Sofielisk, hadst died. On the journey here I didst promise to keep him updated whenever something major didst happen to her. He then went chasing after some cattle, and I didst not see him again until today. But this didst seem quite major.

Avenger: What? Sofielisk is not dead … merely sleeping! By Kerrigan's infernal left breast, I needeth to find him!

Exile: Thou shouldst be able to catch him. (Points in the direction of the Creep trail, spilled beer, and severed limbs) He didst go thataway.

Avenger: (Turns to go) Indeed! (Eyes wander back to the Roulette table) However, I do believe I wilt play one spin first.

(Avenger sits down next to Exile, and they begin to play.)


(Scene: Irvine, outside of the demolished CWAL HQ. All of CWAL is gathered around Fron, who is standing atop a podium, giving a motivational and inspiring pre-battle pep talk.)

Fron: …and we shalt smite yonder Canuckalisks into itty bitty little pieces that shalt not even be recognizable as atomic dust! Dost anybody have any questions?

Talruum: (Wearing a body cast around his jar) I shalt not be accompanying you! My insurance company hast informed me that they wilt no longer cover me for CWAL-related accidents!

Fron: (Jumping down from his podium and walking up to Talruum) CWAL-related accidents? Thou meanst like this?

(Fron kicks Talruum over and watches him roll off, screaming.)

Fron: Any more questions?

Maggott: Can I come?

Rest of CWAL: NO!

Maggott: Aw, shucks… (Wanders off)

Fron: Okay then! Let us kick some Canuckalisk ass!


(Scene: Irvine, outside of the Zerg Canadian HQ. All of the Canuckalisks are gathered around Cydric, who is standing atop a podium, giving a motivational and inspiring pre-battle pep talk.)

Cydric: …And that is how I got to sleep with Petunia!

(There is a loud, tortured roar of hundreds of sick Canuckalisks)

Geek: (From beside Cydric) *GRUNT*
::Thou wast supposed to give them a rousing speech to ready them for battle, not tell them about how thou slept with thy neice!::

Cydric: It didst get them into a killing mood. It wilt do…

(In the air there is a loud screech, and one of the Zerg Canadians' Mutalisk rip-off Surralisks lands atop the Geek.)

Geek: (listening intently to the Surralisk as it screeches) *GRUNT*
::Really? Wow!::

Cydric: What is yon Surralisk saying?

Geek: *GRUNT*
::'Tis saying that CWAL is on its way::

Cydric: Woohoo! Prepare for battle, my minions, or I shalt tell thou about the time I slept with my Great Aunt!

(The Canuckalisks run down towards the city, screaming in torment.)


(Scene: The CWAL attack force. CWAL's members are rampaging through the streets of Irvine, towards the Zerg Canadian HQ, destroying anything that moves, and a lot of things that don't. Around them, most of Irvine is smoldering in a ballet of fire from one of Duraznos' socks, setting an appropriately dramatic backdrop. As the CWAL army passes a particularly large structure, it collapses behind them.)

Fron: (Screaming orders) Onward! Yonder Zerg Canadians have defiled our sanctity for the last time! To battle!

(The CWAL force passes through a particularly well-charred street and comes to a halt - opposite a huge Canuckalisk swarm. Hundreds of Surralisks flutter above, so many that the sky is a swollen black. A large force of Canuckalisks stands on their hind legs staring angrily at CWAL. Imposingly, one of the Canuckalisks wags its tail. One small figure steps forward from the Zerg pit of biomass and charred brain cells. It is Cydric, wearing Turtle's old General's helmet, which keeps slipping down over his eight eyes.)

Cydric: Hello, Fron. I see thy wife is looking well.

(Cydric snickers as Dragoneyes, badly mutilated from a freak encounter with Fron's Cattle Prod when she said that he was bad in bed, stumbles over her crutches and lands on the ground, growling angrily.)

Fron: I could say the same to thou, Cydric; however, we both doth know thy Geek is looking no better.

Cydric: (Gasps) How didst thou know about that?!?

(The Canuckalisk Geek blushes and hides.)

Fron: (Dumbfounded) I … wilt … never … insult … anyone … again.

(Jolt perks up.)

Fron: Well, almost again … Anyway! Cydric, the time of thy demise is at hand! CWAL'ers! The time for action is NOW! Remember all those who hath fallen! Remember Dark Chrono! Remember Webrunner! Remember Shriek! Remember Sofielisk! For all these and others we shalt now exact our vengeance! It is now time to execute the plan of ye tactically brilliant and ruggedly handsome Emperor Fron! CHAAAAARRRRRGGGEEE!

Duraznos: 'Tis good to see the complexity of our plans have not changed…

Gaval: They need to be simple or Lothos canst not understand them.

(The CWAL'ers charge the enemy lines. Meanwhile, Cydric puts his own masterfully brilliant and intricately planned stratagem into effect.)


(The Canuckalisks bear down upon the CWAL'ers, put into a bloodlusted fury by mental pictures of Cydric's slide show of him and Petunia. Meanwhile, Surralisks swoop down from out of the sky, raining death upon anybody unfortunate enough to be caught beneath them.)


(Scene: Another section of Irvine. A lone figure slithers through the streets, having made it into the city in absolute record time to protect his gambling traits. He passes a building called "Ye Protoss Gambling House." Inside it are several figures desperately trying to quell flames which are spreading from their next door neighbor, "Ye Temple of Mango." Screaming voices can be heard from inside.)

Voice #1: Yonder Khaydarin Matrix!!!!

Voice #2: I don't think 'tis supposed to smoke like that!

Voice #3: Kytaria! Shalla! Thou shouldst know better than to interrupt me while I am playing Poker!

(A loud explosion cuts off the conversation abruptly. There is an earth-shattering scream and a deafening rumble as the matrix explodes, engulfing the entire building in a massive fireball of Khaydarin crystal, plywood, and poker cards. As the gambling house collapses, faint wisps of blue gas rise up from the center.)

(The figure turns away, a warm and fuzzy feeling growing inside of him at the sight of such wanton destruction. Irvine is burning to the ground all around him. He turns to face the CWAL crypt, and slithers towards it, desperately hoping to steal one last look at his love before Irvine collapses as well.)


(Scene: The battle. Combat is spreading between the Zerg Canadians and CWAL. Canuckalisk is locking tusks with paintballs, Nerf darts, cattle prods, fireballs, miniature replicas of the USS Nimitz, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon's architects, and high-heeled shoes.)

(The scene is one of utter chaos. On one hand the Canuckalisks are being roasted by a combination of Grorx, methane, and a cigarette lighter … while on the other hand, a Canuckalisk is scraping Arcturus off of the bottom of one of its four feet, very much dead.)

(But through the carnage and chaos, one harbinger of sanity prevails. A PFBS Chopper flies overhead, a megaphone hanging below it.)

Magni: (On megaphone) Cease thy fighting, or thou shalt face the wrath of PFBS!

(Nobody takes notice of Magni.)

Magni: I repeat! Cease thy - AAAAAHHHHH!

(Magni is cut off as a Surralisk, blinded by a stray Nerf dart, is sent spiraling off course, and crashes into the Chopper's engine system. His tortured screams pierce the air as the PFBS craft crashes into the melee.)


(Scene: The CWAL Crypt. The lone figure has reached the entrance. He touches the door inquisitively and is surprised to find that it has been left unlocked, and that the defenses have not reduced him to ash yet. He pushes open the door and steps through.)

(As he slithers along through the Crypt's hallways, a tear creeps into his eyes. Seconds later, a fist creeps into his jaw as well.)

Maggott: (Standing in front of him) This is for letting Sephroth win the Great War!

(Maggott slams his fist into Ravil (If you didn't guess who it was then you are, politely, an idiot), knocking the Hunter Killer to the floor.)

Ravil: 'Twas for dramatic effect!

Maggott: Oh, dramatic effect, eh? (He slams his fist into Ravil once more.) How's this for dramatic effect? (Again, this time with the sound of chitin crunching.) I'm going to enjoy killing you, jerkoff! I should have won that war!

Ravil: (Being pummeled) Canst we not *thump* come to some sort of *thump* agreement? I have an appointment *thump* for Dragoneyes to kill me *thump* after she doth read this story, and I wouldst hate to disappoint her. *thump*

(Maggott pulls out a gun the size of a Ford truck and points it at Ravil.)

Maggott: I guess she'll just have to take a number, then.

(He holds the gun against Ravil's face and puts his finger on the trigger.)


Maggott: Damn! I really should turn off my cell phone before slaughtering innocents… (Answers his phone) Yes, this is the incredible, amazing, rotating, gyrating Emperor Maggott.

Ravil: Gyrating?

(Maggott gyrates.)

Ravil: I…see…

(Phone noises)

Maggott: What? Well, can't you get any replacements? I was just about to kill an old friend…

(Phone noises)

Maggott: What do you mean no one is willing to act as my stunt double?

(Phone noises)

Maggott: Wussy humans. Afraid to fire my NecroLancer XL gun, eh? Blah! I'll be right there.

(He hangs up.)

Maggott: Consider yourself lucky, Hydralisk. I'm needed on my TV show in ten minutes. I'll have to kill you some other time. How's next Tuesday for you?

Ravil: (Flips through his dayplanner) 'Tis no good. How about Thursday?

Maggott: Done! (Dashes away while Ravil gets up and dusts himself off.)

Ravil: *WHEW*! Talketh about a lucky escape.

(Ravil slithers down the corridor again, looking in desperation for Sofielisk's grave.)


(Scene: The Zerg Canadian Field HQ. Cydric and the Canuckalisk are on a hilltop standing over a map.)

Geek: *GRUNT*

Cydric: Precisely.


Cydric: Hmm … so with our troops here, their troops there … this is north?

Geek: *GRUNT*

Cydric: Well… (He turns the map around) Now is it north?

(The Canuckalisk Geek considers telling Cydric to learn basic cartography, or at least how to read a compass, before becoming a powerful military general, but decides it would be quicker just to grunt "yes.")

Geek: *GRUNT*

Cydric: So if this map is correct, our troops art spreading out.

Geek: *GRUNT*

Cydric: Oh! I see. We art not moving out … the city 'tis just being destroyed. It all makes sense now.


Cydric: What? A new invention?

(The Geek nods and moves into a nearby alley, where he pulls out a strange Zerg "device". About 3 feet tall and covered with insects, it looks like a goob-covered replica of Cleopatra's needle. Or a picture of one of Cydric's family orgies … er, reunions.)

Cydric: (Hopefully) What is it? A Zerg Nuke?

Geek: *GRUNT*

Cydric: (Hopefully) Well then … a condom?


Cydric: A condom AND something else besides? Wow! Multi-tasking! So what else doth this baby do?

Geek: *GRUNT*

Cydric: It will let us take control of any Zerg CWAL'er?

(A grin spreads itself over Cydric's face.)

Cydric: Activate it…

(The Geek proceeds to activate it…)



(Scene: The opposite side of Irvine, where the flames have not yet reached. Noid, Webrunner, and Dee are frantically homing in on Gluegun's temporal trail, now that their tracker is powered again. The trail is faint, but still there.)

Noid: Now this is really weird. It looks like he was going in circles for a while, but then decided to go over towards this part of town…

Webrunner: You know, all of this seems pretty familiar…

Dee: I'll tell you why. We're back where we started. That's the CWAL Memorial up ahead.

Noid: (Whacks himself upside the head) ARG! We probably just missed him when we first materialized!

Webrunner: You know, I THOUGHT that guy walking down the street with the Queen following him looked familiar…

(Both of his companions stare at him, with looks that suggest they are considering rending him into multiple pieces.)

Webrunner: What? You guys were telling me to shut up, so I did!

Dee: (Sighs) Well, I suppose that we can kill you when we get back to your universe. But for now, all we can do is try to get to the slip point. Is it at the monument?

Noid: (Checking the tracker) Um … No, it's not. It's over there, in that building.

(All three of them look over to where he is pointing. It is a large building, across the street from the memorial. A tattered yet intact blue sign hangs on the front of it bearing the crest of Blizzard Entertainment.)

Webrunner: You know, maybe our problems aren't quite over yet…

Dee: (Impatiently) Come on! The sooner we go in there, the sooner we can get to Gluegun.

(Somewhat crestfallen, the three universe-hoppers move towards the foreboding abode of their archenemy.)


(Scene: Ravil is slithering into the Newbie Wing of the Crypt.)

Ravil: Sofie! Sofie, where art thou?

(He spots Sofielisk lying upon a slab in the far corner of the room.)

Ravil: Oh, 'tis true! Thou hath less life than a Welsh Fish 'n' Chips shop!

(He slithers to the slab.)

Ravil: O! Lamentable day! Why didst thou taketh her, Overmind? Was she ready to be reabsorbed?

Overmind: Yes.

Ravil: Hey! Stay out of this!

Overmind: Sorry.

(Ravil begins to cough up blood, the Hydralisk equivalent of crying.)

Ravil: *cough* Oh, dear Sofie! That I might *cough* have one last kiss…

(He bends over and kisses her.)

Ravil: Oh, Sof…*cough*…

(Ravil stares at the pint of blood and puss he just vomited into Sofielisk's mouth.)

Ravil: Whoops. Oh well.

(He finishes his kiss despite the mixture.)

Ravil: And now that thou art dead, dear Sofie, and I canst not win at gambling, I doth have no reason to live! My swarm fights amongst the ruins of this city! Being led to death, no doubt, by the unfaithful Cydric. There is naught left for me…

(Ravil pulls out a Needle Spine from his upper carapace.)

Ravil: Goodbye, sweet Sofielisk!

(The Hunter Killer stakes himself through the head.)

Ravil: Damnable Zerg toughness…

(Ravil pulls out the spine and continues to stab himself in various other locations. But by the time he has inflicted enough wounds upon himself to turn a polar bear into a block of Swiss Cheese, his previous wounds have healed.)

Ravil: I guess ye Overmind didst not design us Hydralisks with suicide in mind…

(Finally, he gets an idea. He dashes over to the grave marked "Tempus", pulls out the corpse, eats one of the arms for a light snack, and wires himself up using some of Tempus' hair. A few seconds later he starts to shudder violently as electricity surges through him.)

Ravil: Farewell, crappy world!

(A few minutes later, Ravil is electrocuted and dies.)


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