Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 4 Scene 2
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene: CWAL Headquarters. There is a very tense stand-off going on between the CWALers, heavily armed and bloodthirsty, and Dee, who has fired a gun only a scarce few times in her life. However, she does seem to have a bargaining chip on the table.)

Fron: Imposter, if thou shalt release my wife, then we shalt allow thee to draw breath for a while longer. If not, then thou shalt perish as well.

Dee: (Keeping her shotgun pointed at Dragoneyes) No. Let my friends go, first. Then you can have your precious Lady Fron back.

Dragoneyes: Do NOT call me that!

Dee: Shut up.

(Back amidst the CWALers, Webrunner and Noid are still tied up, soaked with gasoline, preparing themselves to become the next delicacy at "Crazy Stan's Meat Emporium.")

Webrunner: …And then, when I was six, I lit the dog on fire. I didn't mean too…that flamethrower was just lying around! (Sobs) I'M SOOOO SOORRRRRYYYY!

Noid: Webrunner, if you're going to have your life flash before your eyes, do you think you could possibly to it a little more quietly?

Webunner: (Sniffs unhappily) But…but…I'm trying to make pennance for all of the bad things I've done in my life!

Noid: While you're at it, apologize to the powers that be for getting us signed up for this mission.

Webunner: Okay. I'M SOOOO SOORRRR…wait a minute, wasn't it YOU that…

Fron: (Turns to the pair) Shutteth thee up, ye pair of parasites! (Jabs Webunner with his Cattle prod.)

Webrunner: YEEEEEOOOUUCHH!! How come everything bad always happens to me?

Noid: Who are you kidding? You weren't the one who Lothos manhandled. (Shudders at the memory)

(Suddenly, there is a hush in the room as the back door is kicked open, and a figure enters, clad in strange fatigues and wearing expensive Nike running shoes.)

Noid: (All colour draining from his face) Oh no…okay, when I was three, I flushed my grandfather's Rolex down the toilet. When I was four…

Fron: (Surprised) Maggott! What are ye doing here? Thou didst quit CWAL years ago to go into the TV business!

Maggott: But you couldn't possibly expect the big final fight scene to go on without me, now could you? I LOVE fights! They're what I live for! Why do you think I made that appearance on 'Ye Jerry Springer' show?

Fron: As I recall, thou didst demolish the entire studio. (Whispering to Duraznos) Um…we did locketh all of his weapons in the armory, correct, my minion?

Duraznos: All of the big-ass ones, sir.

Fron: (Not looking pleased) Thou shalt define 'big-ass' at once, soldier.

Duraznos: Any of the ones that could layeth waste to the galaxy.

Fron: What about ye smaller ones?

Duraznos: Um…. Er…

Maggott: (Heedless of their conversation) Well, don't worry Fron. I'll make sure that they don't get away alive. (Before anyone can stop him, he has started to rummage around in his pockets.) Aw, crap. I left all of my bigger ones back at the studio. But I guess that a small one is enough to do away with the likes of these imposters. (Instead, he pulls out a gun, whose barrel is about three meters long and equally wide, and could never fit in his pocket under normal circumstances. All kinds of displays, tracking devices, and fearsome-looking unidentifiable attachments immediately light up. Everyone in CWAL backs off.)


Maggott: MUAHAHAHAHA! Die, imposters!

(Barely taking aim, he points the weapon in Dee's general direction, and pulls the trigger. A red blast of energy bursts forward, but Dee has already gotten one step ahead. Throwing herself to the floor, and dragging the Dragoneyes on that universe down with her, she manages to dodge the shot. It instead strikes one of the HQ's back walls, and instantly a huge explosion is heard. The wall is completely blown apart, exposing one side of the building to the outside.)

Maggott: Dammit! Hold still!

(He fires his gun again, but once more Dee is on the move. Sprinting out of the way, she just manages to avoid getting caught in a blast, which rips up part of the floor. Growing impatient, Maggott switches his gun to Fully Automatic, and lets loose with a spray of energy bolts.)


(The HQ is being literally torn apart, with Maggott managing to hit everything except for Dee. Dust, shrapnel, and Jolt fly everywhere as the building starts to cave in around them. Finally, the CWALers decide upon who is more of a threat.)


(The CWALers all suddenly abandon their posts and attempt to tackle the demigod/TV variety hour host. At first they are unsuccessful, but then Lothos jumps on top of the dog-pile, crushing Ni and pinning Maggott to the floor.)

Maggott: Ack! Get this oceanliner off of me!

(Preoccupied with attempting to subdue Maggott, the CWALers seem to have completely forgotten about the 'doppelgangers.' Taking advantage of this, Dee sprints over to where Webrunner and Noid are tied up, and quickly releases them from their bonds.)

Dee: (Whispering) C'mon, move it! We've got to get out of here!

Webrunner: I couldn't agree more.

(The three universe-hoppers scamper out of the Maggott-ravaged Headquarters, and down the street.)

Noid: Where are we headed, again?

Dee: The CWAL Crypt. If there's any place that we can find a power source for the harness, then its there. Pez's super long-life batteries are used to power its defenses.

Webrunner: (Gulps) Defenses? What kind of defenses?

Noid: Probably enough to keep a horde of grave-robbing, hungry Canuckalisks at bay.

Webrunner: I have a bad feeling about this…

(Back at the HQ, the CWALers have Maggott neutralized, at least for the moment. Duraznos has already thrown his gun into the armory, although since the armory no longer has a door, it makes it fairly ineffective.)

Maggott: But I was only trying to help!

Arcturus: Thou didst destroy half the Headquarters! Thou art no help at all, Maggott.

Maggott: (Unhappy) But I only wanted to kill me some doppelgangers…wait a minute. Where ARE those imposters?

(Everyone looks around, but they are nowhere to be found.)

Fron: Ack! They have eluded our fair blades yet again! Send out thy search parties, and make sure that they art killed on sight this time!

Maggott: Ooo-ooo-ooo…can I help?

All the CWALers: NO!

Maggott: Aw, shucks…

(Suddenly, someone charges down from the upstairs, which, miraculously, is still there. It is Akira, CWAL's resident nurse.)


Fron: What is thy distress, Akira?

Akira: 'Tis Sofielisk! Come at once!

(Fron and several other CWALers charge up the stairs and into Sofie's room. There, lying on her bed, seemingly dead, is the femme Hydralisk, looking very…um, hideous. The small vial of Snapper's potent Shakuran Ale now lies empty on the floor, unnoticed by the crowds.)

Akira: O lamentable day! Look…she lies, canker blossom that she was!

Fron: Alas, she is cold; her blood is settled, and her joints are stiff; life and these fangs have long been seperated. Death lies on her, like an untimely psi-storm upon the sweetest mutalisk of all the skies.

Akira: (Crying) O lamentable day!

(Suddenly, two more figures enter the room. They are Snapper and Mz, the latter dressed up in some Zergling semblance of a tuxedo.)

Snapper: Come, is the bride ready to go to church to be wed?

Mz: Hehe…like, come out, come out, wherever you are…

Fron: Ready to go, but never to return. O Mz! The night before thy wedding-day hath death lain with thy wife! There she lies…

Snapper: Excellent…I-I mean, that ist too bad…

Mz: Aw man! That, like, sucks. And I was lookin' forward to bangin' her…

Fron: (Brandishing his Cattle prod) It must have been that trio of imposters, and their Zerg Canadian masters that didst this dark deed! We shalt see to it that out fair Sofielisk is avenged! But first, we must layeth her in the CWAL Crypt, alongside the other brave members who have perished.

Dragoneyes: Aye…'tis the way that things are done. Come! Let us bury our dead, and then move to strike against Cydric's Swarm.

(The CWALers all heave at once, and pick up Sofie's corpse. Slowly and steadily, they make their way down the stairs, explaining to Lothos (who has been sitting on Maggott throughout this turn of events) what has transpired, and then begin to carry Sofie towards the distant CWAL Crypt…and inadvertently, towards their quarry.)


(Scene: The CWAL Crypt, not long after. It is a huge, menacing building that looks like it could withstand a very hefty assault. Cement walls reinforced with titanium, shield generator system, and a host of deadly weaponry were all present, the very sight of which would waylay all but the most fervent of attackers. Concealed by a shrubbery nearby, Dee, Webrunner, and Noid are planning their course of attack.)

Webrunner: We're doomed. There's no way in hell that we can get past all of those defenses.

Noid: I hate to be pessimistic, but I have to agree with Webrunner. If we try to attack or short-circuit that thing, it would flash-fry us in less than a second. It looks like we've lost Gluegun for good this time.

Dee: (Shakes her head) No. I can't accept that … I've sacrificed just about everything for you two…

Webrunner: Not that you had that much to begin with.

Dee: …and I'll be damned if I just give up this quest because of a building with a few guns strapped on to it! There has to be SOME way to get inside…maybe through a sewage pipe or something.

Noid: I can see where this is headed.

Webrunner: But going in through the sewer pipes is SO overused! It happens in almost every story. There's got to be a more original solution to this sticky situation.

Noid: Hey! It seems like your hopes may have been answered, Webrunner. Take a look over there.

(Both Webrunner and Dee look over to where he is pointing. Coming down the street is a long procession of CWALers, some of them carrying torches, the rest of them carrying what appeared to be a body. As they drew closer, it became evident that it was Sofielisk.)

Webrunner: What happened to Sofie? I didn't see her in the lynch mob at the HQ.

Dee: Well, whatever happened, she looks pretty dead now. But this is our chance…get ready.

(The funeral procession passes them by. Since everyone seems to have their heads bowed out of respect for the deceased, Webrunner, Noid, and Dee have no trouble scrambling out of the shrubbery and joining in at the end of the procession. Nobody notices them as the crowd stops in front of the Crypt. Fron thumps his foot on the ground three times, turns around, and dances a little jig. A computer console pops up out of the soil, and he punches in a passcode. Instantly, the shield de-activates, and the heavy door of the Crypt swings open. Without a word being muttered, the procession moves inside. After the last few people (who happen to be Dee, Webrunner, and Noid) enter, the shield reactivates, trapping them inside.)

Noid: (Whispering very, very quietly) Dee, are you sure this was a good idea?

Dee: (Likewise very quiet) I didn't see anyone else coming up with an idea.

(They pass through the halls of the crypt, and down several flights of stairs. Passing by, they see the tombs of various CWALers built right into the stone walls and ceremoniously decorated. The three dimensional travelers couldn't help but look around as they passed by the bodies of their friends and comrades in another universe…another life. Jester's tomb was decorated with an engraved jester's hat, Mu's with a surgeon's scalpel, Fjorxc's with an Orca, and all eight of Debris' with a giant mural of a spoon. As they reached the innermost chambers of the Crypt, the tombs and names began to thin out, reserved for only the most honored dead. They at long last passed by the tomb of Iolaus, which was extravagantly decorated, and surpassed only by Pez's (it was his last request to have the fanciest grave in the building). Finally, they entered the place where Sofie was to be buried…the newbie's wing. The three 'imposters' were nearly made ill by the sight of the 'real' Webrunner, sprawled out unceremoniously on a slab of rock in the room. Sofie was laid down on another one nearby, for burial at a later date.)

Snapper: Dearly…present, we art gathered here today to bid farewell to a great friend, warrior, and accomplice. The fair Sofielisk, so young, so…(looking down at her corpse) young, ist no longer with us. We shalt…

Fron: Can we please getteth thee to the point? (Pats his Cattle prod impatiently) We art wanting to go forth and slay us some Canuckalisks in bloody vengeance.

Snapper: Art thou sure that is wise, O Fron?

Fron: (Pointing his Cattle prod at Snapper) Look, thou…

Snapper: Okay, okay! There ist no need to resort to violence against my person! I wilt cut to the chase. (Clears his throat) Sofielisk is dead. That is all. Thou may all go.

(With a unified cheer, the CWALers surge out of the Crypt, heavy weapons in hand, ready to slaughter the Zerg Canadians. After they are gone, though, the tops to three of Debris' coffins slowly lift up, and Dee, Webrunner, and Noid peek out to make sure the coast is clear.)

Noid: (Looking down upon the carcass he is seated upon) Yuck! I didn't know that someone could be cut up that way!

Dee: Looks like they're gone, guys. Let's get us that power source!

(They climb out of the coffins, but are startled to still hear voices emanating from within. Curious, they listen.)

Snapper: …Now that ye lunatics are gone, Brother Avenger, taketh this message to Ravil in Las Vegas. It shalt inform him of all that hast transpired here.

Avenger: (Bowing deeply) Thy will shalt be done, Father. (The Protoss Brother jogs up the steps, and nods at the three 'imposters' on his way out of the Crypt, not realizing who they are.)

Noid: *WHEW*! Come on…for all we know, Gluegun's trail may have completely faded by now!

(A few minutes of searching finally makes some progress. There is a heavy, bolted door that says 'Ye Employees Only' on it, along with various 'Warning' signs on it indicating high voltage.)

Webrunner: (Excited) This MUST be it! It's our only chance. Help me get this door open.

(All three of the universe-hoppers push as hard as they can on the door. Slowly, inch by inch, it creaks open, until finally they can squeeze inside. They now stand in a large room, where something reminiscent of a Warp Core is dispersing power to the entire building. At its base is a small device labeled 'Ye Pezlandian Super-Batteries'.)

Dee: We found it! Let's get it out of here!

(After several minutes of work, whilst attempting not to electrocute themselves, they finally manage to pry Pez's battery pack out of the generator system. Searching frantically, Noid quickly locates a plug-in on the side of it.)

Noid: Great! It looks like it's Plug & Play Compatible. All I need to do is take the tracker, and…(Whips the tracking device out from his harness, unravels an extension cord, and plugs it into the battery pack. Instantly, the tracker comes back on line. All three of the travelers cheer.) WOOHOO! And best yet, we haven't lost Gluegun! He slipped a while ago, and his temporal trail is faint, but I'm definitely getting a reading from it.

Dee: Then let's go! There isn't any time to lose!

(All three of them run out of the Crypt, which is now unlit and undefended, nearly knocking over Father Snapper in their rush to get out of the there and recommence the hunt for their friend. The Protoss looks a little bit surprised, but had he had a mouth, he would have smiled.)

Snapper: (Quietly) Good luck to ye, fair travelers.


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