Zerg Canadians

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Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 3 Scene 2
By Ravil and Sofielisk
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(Scene : Ye Protoss Gambling House. Snapper is sitting alone, meditating. Ravil comes hurtling in as fast as he can.)

Ravil : Snapper! I doth need to talk to thou!

(Snapper doesn't stir)

Ravil : Snapper!

(Snapper does nothing)

Ravil : O for the love of Prime, succulent, tasty, delicious, Terran Rump!

(Snapper still doesn't stir. Ravil starts to drool. After a minute Snapper stirs. Sort of.)

Snapper (slowly emerging from his trance) : No! I wast not! How dare thou accusest me thus Aldaris! (quieter now) Thank thee Kerrigan, i wilt pay thou later.

Ravil (Coming out of his trance too) : Aldaris? Kerrigan? Snapper ist something wrong?

Snapper (drifting further out of the trance) : Remember, havest it delivered to Ye Snapper's Gambling Emporium. For all thy gambling needs, there is no place more dedicated to gambling in ye entire Sol system.

Ravil : Snapper, thou art making no sense.

Snapper (emerging at last) : Huh? Ravil! Thou shouldst not interrupt me when I am in a game of Poker with Aldaris, Kerrigan and Raynor!

(Ravil shakes his head)

Ravil : Horrible news Snapper!

Snapper : Thou hast been exil'd from Irvine?

Ravil : How didst thou know?

Snapper : I am a telepath.

Ravil : Then how didst thou not know why I wast here earlier in ye story?

Snapper : I..... uh

(Ravil sighs)

Ravil : Anyway What shouldst I do?

Snapper : Thou shouldst go to Vegas. I canst sneak thee out of town on the morrow. Exile wilt deliver my winnings from Aldaris and his friends. For a reasonable sum, thou canst have a lift with him.

Ravil : What time ist my flight?

Snapper : Thou must be ready by the time the sun doth rise.

(Ravil turns and runs to the door)

Snapper : Wherefore doth thou hurry Ravil?

Snapper ::: Oh yes. For a telepath I doth have a remarkably poor memory.:::

(Snapper concentrates on Ravil as the Hydralisk bolts outside)

Snapper : So thou hast gone to see Sofielisk one last time. Then I bid thee luck Ravil... Thou shalt need it to get past Fron's guards.

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(Scene : Fron's room. Fron and Mutant Zergling are talking.)

Fron : Now is not the best time thou couldst have picked to come here Mz.

Mz : Heh... You said come... hehehe

(Fron shakes his head.)

Fron : Get to thy point Mz... (Under his breath) If thy hast one...

Mz : Heh.. You said Point... hehehe

Fron (pointing to the door) : Getteth thee out!

Mz : Heh.. You said out..... hehehe

(Fron grabs his famed Cattle prod and rams it down Mz's *BEEP*)

*ZAP**SIZZLE**YEEEEAARGH*

Mz (very badly singed) : Heh... You said *BEEP*... hehehe

Fron : Mz! Either thou shalt get intelligent or thou shalt get lost!

Mz : NO! I don't wanna like.. get lost.. That'd suck... I wanna marry Sofielisk!

(Mz starts giggling to himself and repeating the word "Sproing!")

Fron : We hath relayed thy desire to marry her. I wilt be sure to press her.

Mz : NO! She's gonna be my wife! I'm the one whose goina (raises eyelids suggestively) press her

(Mz pauses for effect)

Mz : heheheh.. This is gonna be so cool.... heheheheheh

(Fron sighs angrily.)

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(Scene : The rooftops of Irvine. A small human figure dashes from rooftop to rooftop. He is nearing a large building of gothic architecture. It stands out in comparison to the rest of the city. On it's front is a large neon sign which reads "CWAL Crypt - Do not feed yonder ghosts." The figure is about 3 short rooftop jumps away from the Crypt. Suddenly the view changes to the inside of a building. Aura and Tybalt are ransacking the place. Meanwhile Duraznos is torturing an old woman.)

Duraznos : Thou canst not lie to us! Thou art sheltering those Zerg Canadian Imposters!

(The Old woman tries to speak, but she has been gagged and tied to her bed. Aura is seemingly the only one who notices how cruel this is towards the woman, who is doomed to even more torture, but she says noting. Women can be such sadists.)

Old Woman : Mmmmmph!

Duraznos : Oh! Thou art a wisecracker eh?

(Duraznos pulls out some matches)

Aura : Again with thy matches!

Duraznos : What?

Aura : You didst this the last four houses. What is it with thou and burning people's socks?

(Duraznos is a million miles away, having picked up a pair of socks, he is now dangling them over the woman's head. He sets it on fire laughing maniacally.)

Aura : What wast yonder noise?

Tybalt : I deeedst not ear anee noises.

(Aura cocks her head, unlike the others her genetically enhanced ears can pick up a sound on the roof. Light footsteps.)

Aura : Someone ist on yonder roof!

Tybalt : C'est Impossibleth! Mine eeeears doth not deciveth me!

(Aura chases to a window, she opens it just in time to see Webrunner leaping onto a nearby house)

Aura : 'tis Webrunner! Move thy backsides!

Duraznos : What? Webrunner?

(Duraznos drops a burning sock on the old woman and dashes to the window. Aura climbs out and leaps the gap, grabbing onto the roof of the other building and pulling herself up. Duraznos teleports onto the roof and Tybalt leaps too low plastering himself against the wall like Fjorxc and that horrible incident involving Dragoneyes' steamroller.)

(Webrunner looks behind him and sees Duraznos and Aura chasing towards him.)

Webrunner : Oh Crap!

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(Scene : The balcony of Sofielisk's room. There is a climbing sound and Ravil's head appears on the top of the wall. Then there is a loud thud as Ravil falls down the other side. Hearing the noise Sofielisk comes to the balcony.)

Sofie : Ravil!

Ravil : Ssssht! Sayest not mine name so loud.

Sofie (Quieter) : Ravil!

Ravil : O, Sofielisk! I didst hath to hear thy voice once more before I left!

Sassy : Where art thou going?

Ravil : Los Angeles

Sofie : Art thou sure that is wise?

Jasmine : Aye! There art so many wierdos there...

Ravil : Then I wilt fit in perfectly.

Sassy : It IS less unusual t'see a Hydralisk enter a bus than ye Marylin Manson.

Sofie : Steady thyself Ravil! For I shalt come with you!

Ravil : What wouldst Fron do? He dost need thy larvae to stand a chance against Cydric's swarm.

Sofie : O! Ravil!

Jasmine (sniffing) : 'tis just like ye episode of Days of our larvae, in which Raynor didst propose to Kerrigan, not knowingst that Kerrigan wast sleeping with Aldaris and General Duke, who wast about to have a change of sex so he couldst carry Mengsk's child which was in an embryo tube in....

Sassy : Shutteth thee up!

(In the back of Sofielisk's mind Sassy and Jasmine begin to attack oneanother)

Sofie : Then when shalt thou returnst!

(Ravil shakes his head)

Ravil : I fear I shalt not be able to return until Zerglings Fly!

(There comes the sound of a smashed window. Mutant Zergling goes flying through the air and lands a few metres away.)

Dragoneyes (distantly) : Thou shouldst not call me Lady Fron!!!!!

Sofie : So umm...

Ravil : I doth not counteth him as a Zergling,

Sofie : Aye! More of a long-lived Broodling.

Ravil : Or possibly a deformed Egg.

Sofie : *Sniff* Or like Cydric's genit'ls some years ago whence they didst grow legs and terrorise yonder neighbourhood.

(Ravil shudders)

Ravil : That is what listn'nin to Thy Spice Girls dost do to thou. Anyway, I must begone! Else CWAL might capture me!

Sofie : No matt'r the cost I shalt join thou!

Ravil : 'till we meet again, fair Sofie!

(Sofie and Ravil kiss, then Ravil dashes off leaping over the wall and onto the street below, as Dragoneyes appears on the balcony.)

Dragoneyes : What art thou doing Sofie?

Sofie : Nothing Lady Fr---

Sassy (whispering) : Whatever you do don't end that sentence in on, remember what didst happen to Mz!

(Just then Mz lands somewhere in Irvine)

Mz (Distantly) : Woah! You're hot!

Dragoneyes : FFFFRrrrrrrrr!!! That doth take ye biscuit!

(Dragoneyes takes off and flies towards Mz, saving Sofielisk from excess embharrasment coupled with a public roasting.)

Fron (Distantly) : Where art thou Sofielisk?

Sofie : Down here Fron!

(Fron approaches the balcony.)

Fron : Sofielisk! Hast thou given thought to thy marriage with Mutant Zergling?

Sofie (Thinking to self) : No! FOR THE LOVE OF YE OVERMIND AND ALL YONDER ZERG SWARM! IN YE NAME OF FELINE EVERYWHERE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sofie (To Fron) : Uhh.. No

Fron : Well I hath. Thou shalt be married next monday.

Sofie, Sassy and Jasmine : WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Fron : Now that Cydric dost command Ye Canuckalisks, he hast become more aggress'v. We doth need thy larve, and now!

Sofie : I wilst not marry Mutant Zergling! 'Tis a concept as laughable as Dragoneyes marrying.... Thou!

Sassy : Mayhap, I shouldst do thy reasoning for thou?

Jasmine : No I wouldst be a better choice!

Sassy : Fron! We doth refuse to marry Mz!

Fron : Thou canst not deny me! Since the death of all ye more respected male CWALers I hath lead CWAL! My word ist absolute!

Jasmine : But!

Fron : I wilt hear no arguments!

(Fron walks off)

Sofie : Thou knowest what Sassy?

Sassy : What?

Sofie : We art screwed!

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(Scene : Rooftops of Irvine. Dee is bounding along a roof. Suddenly a Zergling falls out of the sky and lands in front of him.)

Mz (Staring at Dee) : Woah! You're hot!

(Dee kicks Mz over the edge of the building.)

Dragoneyes (distantly) : FFFFRrrrrrrrr!!! That doth take ye biscuit!

(Dee turns and sees a familiar Draconian shape flying towards her.)

Dee : Oh Crap!

(She frenetically looks for a place to hide, but the roof is plain, a shadow creeps over her and Dragoneyes lands.)

Dragoneyes : If I were thou I wouldst surrender at once.

Dee : You are me!

Dragoneyes (smoke coming out of her nostrils) : So thou wilt insist upon doing this the hard way?

Dee : Of course!

Dragoneyes : Thou dost not stand a chance! And thou knowest't.

Dee : Perhaps, but we both know this will only end in combat.

Dragoneyes : Very well.

(Dragoneyes takes a deep breath and then launches a volley of flame at Dee. he leaps to the floor rolling onto her feet.)

Dragoneyss : Not bad.

Dee : Same to you.

(Dragoneyes grins and charges towards Dee. The next few moments are ones of vicious combat, as Dragoneyes leaps towards Dee. Roars and screams of anguish flurry forth, but the battle is a forgone conclusion. Dragoneyes takes a step back and Dee, out of breath and injured, stumbles backwards.)

Dragoneyes (A note of panic in her voice) : Watch thy footing!

(Dee, turns round to see where she is heading. She sees that one of her feet is standing in the gutter of the building, just then she hears a snapping sound as the gutter breaks loose and she slips off the edge.)

(Before she knows what she is doing Dragoneyes has run over to the edge. She sees Dee, unconscious and dangling by her left leg, which fortunately for her got caught in the guttering. There is a creaking as the gutter bends. She reaches down and grabs Dee's leg.)

(She easily pulls the unconscious Dee onto the roof. Then she bends down to pick her up, but doesn't quite get the response she wanted.)

(As Dragoneyes bends down Dee's hands move with uncanny speed. This wasn't what scared DE though. What scared her was the shotgun in Dee's hands which had been concealed behind her back.)

Talruum (Rolling away in the distance) : Thou stole my gun!

Dee (Shotgun now pointed straight at Dragoneyes' head) : Don't move.

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