Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 3 Scene 1
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene: The streets of Irvine. Turtle and Cydric are walking, accompanied by a small retinue of Canuckalisks.)

Cydric: Turtle, we shouldst retire to the lair! Hast thou seen the quantity of CWAL search parties abroad? Even with yon Canuckalisks, this be a perilous time to be abroad.

Turtle: We canst not return to the lair without Ravil! He hast been missing since the morn.

Cydric: But what if we doth fall afoul of some CWAL villain?

Turtle: Then we shalt litter the wayside with their corpses.

Cydric: Thou art an optimist, Turtle.

Turtle: Aye, but what of it?

Cydric: That ist the worst type of idiot.

Turtle: Ho! Look, some dogs of CWAL do approach!

Cydric: I doubteth that very much. They only didst have one dog, who mysteriously vanish'd at the battle for Washington whilst he and Sofielisk didst fight side by side. I believest his name was Krath.

Turtle: Thou really art excellent at spoiling ye mood, Cydric.

Cydric: I doth thank thou.

(From down the street a search party of CWALers enters.)

Aura: Behold! Our quarry!

Duraznos: Although they be quarry, they are sadly not ours!

Tybalt: Pffffah!

Duraznos: Tybalt! Thou art making less sense than usual; what didst thou say?

Tybalt: Pffffffah!

Kazz: Yeah! Pfffffah!

(Aura and Duraznos look at each other, as if to say "and we've had to put up with this all morning.")

Aura: Must I remindeth thee that we art searching for Webrunner and Noid?

Turtle: Canst thou not keep track of thine own ranks?

Tybalt: Zhey art not part of our ranks. We all doth know that thou didst infiltrate CWAL with them.

Turtle: Thou accusest us of this dishonour!

Aura: Thou hast no knowledge of honour, thy lover of Spice Girls!

Cydric: I doth not love Thy Spice Girls! 'Twas a typo! It wast meant to read Thy Spice "Grills."

(Cydric breaks down and starts crying.)

Turtle: Now look what thou hast done! It took us months to get him to forget about Ye Spice Girls! Now he wilt become hook'd again!

Cydric (Catatonic on the floor): I wilt... tellest thou... what I doth (sniff) wanteth, what I doth really... (sniff)... really wanteth.

Turtle: Now leave my sight b'fore I am forc'd to slay thee!

Tybalt: Nay! I weelt not be mooved without some blood of Canuckalisk!

Duraznos (Pointing): Over there! 'Tis Noid!

(Accross the street, the Noid from this Universe, having recovered, is currently in one of the search parties. Since CWALers are not noted for their intelligence, Aura, Duraznos and Tybalt chase after Noid, who is accompanied by Arcturus and Talruum.)

(That's right, you heard correctly. Aura, Duraznos and Tybalt, which means...)

Kazz: Time to die!

Fluffy: Reeeeeeeeeeeev!

(Well, you honestly didn't expect me to use Tybalt, did you?)

Turtle: If 'tis a fight thou wantest, 'tis a fight thou shalt have!

(Turtle charges at Kazz.)

Kazz: Ha! Those little claws will do nothing to Fluffy!

(Kazz swings Fluffy down in a wide arc, towards Turtle's head.)

Turtle: Thou art correct, of course...

(Just before Turtle is decapitated, he slashes at Kazz's elbow with his vicious Zergling claws. He dives towards Kazz, causing Fluffy to swing towards nothing... Well, almost nothing. A few seconds later, Kazz leaps out from under Turtle, holding something.)

Kazz: I got your tail!

(Kazz blows a raspberry at Turtle.)

Turtle: Oh, yeah? Well, I dost have thy tail also!

(Kazz checks.)

Kazz: Aargh! My tail!

(Turtle leaps at the distraught Kazz, holding the Infamous Beaver's tail in his claws; he starts using it in the style of a wet towel, repeatedly whacking Kazz. He causes very little damage, but lots of pain and humiliation.)

(Ravil hears the commotion and comes running out from a nearby alleyway.)

Ravil: Stop thy fighting at once! Dark Nexus didst say he wouldst remove the tails of every CWALer or Canuckalisk who didst fight....

(Ravil realises something.)

Ravil: D'oh! Cydric! Do thy Magic! Cast ye Dark Swarm into them!

Cydric (Beginning to go insane): Blub... I am giving thou everything... sniff.... all that joy canst bringeth... Awoooga Awoooga.. This I doth swear.

Ravil: By the Overmind!

(Talruum comes rolling past.)

Talruum: Wiiiiiilllsssttt everyone stooopp doing thiiiissss!

(Ravil giggles.)

Kazz: I have thee now, Turtle!

Ravil: Oh yeah, yonder spar!

(Ravil dashes over to the by now badly mutilated Kazz and Turtle and steps between them.)

Ravil: Stop thy fighting this instant!

(Turtle crouches down, poised to strike, as Kazz settles back on his hind legs. Both of them stare at each other as best they can with Ravil standing in the middle.)

Ravil: Good! Now there shalt be no more fighting between our two houses this day!

Kazz: What! NOOOOOOOO!

(Kazz revs Fluffy and swings again. He slices through Ravil's "leg-like appendage" and hacks toward Turtle. Despite his immense agility and strength, there is little that Turtle can do to prevent Fluffy from slicing into his head.)

Kazz: Heheheheh!

(Ravil brings his scythe-like claw down and grabs Fluffy.)

Kazz: Fluffy!

Talruum (In the distance): FLUUUFY!

(In anger, Ravil rips Fluffy's chain off and throws it into the distance.)

Kazz (chasing after the Fluffy part): NO! Fluffy!

(Ravil starts battering Fluffy against the ground.)

Fluffy: Evvvevrrvvevvrvvevvevvevvrvvvevvvrvevvr

(Fluffy catches fire and Ravil throws her into the distance. She explodes in midair, and for those who are curious, her remnants land right next to Talruum, causing him to stop rolling; her last words were "Reevvveervevver," translated as "Thou art terrible in bed, Talruum")

Ravil: Art thou alright, Turtle?

Turtle (His head chopped in half and blood gushing out in all directions): Shutteth thee up, Ravil! Thou art more of an idiot than Cydric!

Cydric (perking up at the sound of his name): llllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Zerg Power!

(Turtle dies.)

Ravil: Foul Kazz! As soon as mine limb doth regenerate, I wilst have my revenge!

(5 minutes later, Ravil's "leg" is healed. He sees Kazz charging towards him; given that Fluffy isn't in a good condition to be uses as a weapon, he has attached the Chain part to Talruum, creating a Brainsaw)

Talruum: I doth get ye feeling thou dost havest some hidden grudge against brains.

Kazz: No one kills Fluffy and gets away with it!

(Kazz charges at Ravil, revving Talruum.)


(Scene: A nearby street. Kebs and Dark Nexus are taking a stroll.)

Kebs: What a beautiful day 'tis.

Dark Nexus: Aye! Yon Birds art chirping…

Kebs: Yon Sun is shining!

Dark Nexus: And yon breasts art-




Kazz (distantly): Oooooow!

(Talruum rolls past.)

Talruum (mumbling to self): Yes, Talruum. You'll be much happier as a brain in a jar than you ever were as a coffee machine...

Dark Nexus Damned wilt be whomever spoilt my chatup line!

(Dark Nexus and Kebs dash towards the source of the commotion.)


(Scene: The source of the commotion. Kazz lies battered and dead upon the ground next to Turtle. Cydric is humming Spice Girls tunes to himself, while Ravil and a Canuckalisk are looking pleased with themselves.)

Canuckalisk: Nnnngh!

Ravil: What! Kebs and Dark Nexus!

Canuckalisk GRUNT!

Ravil: I'd better get out of here.

(Ravil runs away as Kebs and Dark Nexus arrive.)

Dark Nexus (staring angrily at the ground): Who didst see this fight?

(The Canuckalisk sits down and then notices its tail. Angered by this wayward appendage, it starts to chase it.)

Canuckalisk: GRNNNGH!

(The Canuckalisk accelerates to the point where it overcomes the centripetal force holding it inwards and flies out of control down the streets of Irvine, like in all those Roadrunner Cartoons)

Kebs (To Cydric): What of thou! Didst thou seeth this brawl?

Cydric: Mama, I love you..... Mama I care!

(Dark Nexus wanders over and whacks Cydric repeatedly on the head.)

Cydric: Huh? What art thou doing!

Dark Nexus: Chancellor Cydric... Who didst do this?

(Cydric opens his mouth to say he didn't know (since he was insane at the time and wasn't really paying attention), but a stray train of thought runs through his head.)

Cydric's Brain: We shouldst say Ravil didst this...

Cydric: Why?

Cydric's Brain: Because, who ist ye second in command of yon Canuckalisk Swarm?

Cydric: Fron?

Cydric's Brain: No... Thou art...

Cydric: Oh, yeah! That's neat!

Cydric's Brain: So If thou dost tell Dark Nexus Ravil didst these atrocities

Cydric: Go on....

Cydric's Brain: Look, just say that Ravil didst do this and I wilt not bother thee again for a couple of weeks.

Cydric: Woohoo!

(Back in Reality, Cydric turns to Dark Nexus.)

Cydric: 'Twas my master, Ravil.

Dark Nexus (shaking with anger): Very well. I hereby decree that Ravil be sentenced to Exile!

Kebs: What didst Exile do to deserve such a punishment?

Dark Nexus: Thou art correct… Very well, then, I shalt banish him.

Cydric: Woohoo!

Ravil (hiding in the shadows): That Bastard!

(Everyone leaves and Ravil sneaks off.)


(Scene: Sofielisk's Room. Sofielisk is lying in bed)

Sofie: Dah da duh da, dah da duh da

Jasmine: Wilt thou stop singing that tune!

Sofi : Sorry, 'tis catchy

Sassy: Aye! That 'tis... Dah da duh da, dah da duh da

Jasmine: Sassy!

Sassy: Whoops, sorry.

(Outside, Dragoneyes runs past. She is extremely happy.)

Sofie: That is most disturbing.

Jasmine: I hath never seen her experience any emotion other than anger.

Sofie: Hmm.... I wond'r what hast caus'd this pleasure.

(Dragoneyes runs back down the corridor with a box of party gear. She stops outside Sofielisk's room.)

Dragoneyes: Here thou art! A Cazoo and thy party hat.

(Dragoneyes throws the items at Sofielisk.)

Sofie: Uhh.. Lady Fron... For what reason art thou happy?

Dragoneyes: Oh, I am indeed happy, so happy that I wilt ignore the fact that thou calld'st me Lady Fron. For on this joyous day, two glorious events have happened.

Sofie: Pray continue!

Dragoneyes: For on this day, ye stinky, smelly Beaver wast rended into small pieces by that fiend Ravil.

Sofie: Woohoo Go Ravil!

Dragoneyes: And Ravil wast banished from Irvine eternally.


Dragoneyes: Sofielisk?

(All 3 personalities have lost consciousness and fainted on the floor.)

Dragoneyes: I know, 'tis such excellent news, is't not?

(Dragoneyes walks out, doing a happy dance.)

Dragoneyes: Everyone! Conga line!

(All the men scramble to join the line after Dragoneyes; Jolt gets there first, but comes into contact with Dragoneyes' tail at a high velocity.)


(Scene: Irvine Rooftops. Webrunner, Noid and Dee are walking along from roof to roof. Since every CWALer capable of flight, except Dragoneyes, is dead, they are able to move without being seen on the rooftops. In the distance they can see the foreboding image of the CWAL crypt.)

Noid: Did I mention I am afraid of heights?

Dee Would you rather be up here, or down there?

(Dee points to the streets below, where Lothos is rooting through garbage, saying, "Here NoidyNoidyNoidy. Come out, come out, wherever you are…")

Noid (thinking hard): Down there...

(Dee rolls her eyes.)

Webrunner: Come on, Noid! It's totally safe.

(Webrunner starts juping up and down to demonstrate that the roof is safe.)

Webrunner: See?

Noid: I guess so.

(Noid walks forward; unfortunately, he kind of forgot that forward was not the direction the roof continued onto. The result....)


(Scene: The alley below. Lothos is rummaging through a garbage can.)

Noid: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!



Noid: Sorry, Kitty



(Scene: The Rooftop)

(Dee and Webrunner peer over the edge morbidly. They see Lothos turn around and spot Noid.)

Webrunner: Uh, oh…

(Disgusting noises begin to emanate from the alley.)

Dee: I never knew Lothos could do THAT!

Webrunner: Biiiig deal, anyone can bend someone through a 270 degree angle.

Dee: Wow! I never knew it was that long!

(Webrunner looks envious.)

Dee and Webrunner: EEEEW!

Dee: Even for Lothos that was disgusting!

Noid (In the alley): No… More... Pleaaaaase!

(Dee and Webrunner see Lothos carrying Noid down the street, towards CWAL HQ.)

Webrunner: So, now what?

Dee: You continue to the crypt. I'll rescue Noid and come help as soon as I can.


Return to the ZERG CANADIAN main page.