Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 2 Scene 5
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene : The centre of Irvine; a strange structure protrudes from the ground, distinctly Protoss in design. Several Probes buzz around it, welding a sign onto the front. The sign reads "Temple of the Khala / Ye Protoss poker house (Copyright Father Snapper 1998)." The camera moves inside to the structure and reveals that, in the centre of several holy relics, some Terrans and a Protoss are sitting around a table.)

Snapper: Thou knowst the rules gentlemen; 'tis but a simple 5 card stud.

Lothos: Very well; however, thou must be forewarned, I do not plan to miss Ye Maggott variety hour (also known as 'When Universes Implode'), on in 30 minutes.

(The camera reveals the other players: Jolt, Dorg and Gaval)

Snapper: I must remind thee, Dorg, thou must be very caref'l with thy cards.

Gaval: We all doth remember thy last game.

Dorg: I wast not to know that I hadst become so used to my Magic: Ye Gathering deck that thy playing cards wouldst manifest themselves!

Lothos: Boy, that Queen of Spades wast a hottie.

Jolt: Anyhow, just in case thou canst not control thyself, we art playing with porno cards.

(Snapper starts to deal; unfortunately, the Ace of Breasts (it was a veeeeery raunchy set of cards) hits Jolt in the wrong place, causing him to die.)

Gaval: Thou kild'st Jolt!

Lothos: Thou art a Bastard!

(The group begins to play.)

Dorg: I wilst ante five cents

(Lothos waves his staff around for a while, then puts a diamond glowing with unholy light on the table.)

Lothos: I doth raise thou.

Snapper: 'Tis slighly unfair that thou canst create infinite ante, Lothos. However, I wilst see thy bid.

(Snapper grabs a priceless Protoss relic and places it on the table.)

Gaval: Eval be thy cards, Snapper; I wilst fold. Ho! Noid, Webrunner! Come join us!

(Snapper, Dorg, and Lothos turn around to see what Gaval saw; Noid and Webrunner had entered the temple.)

Noid: Umm, sorry, we're here for other reasons.

Webrunner (Jabbing Noid in the stomach): Remember-eth, we-eth have-th to talketh in ye olde English.

Noid: Oh, yeah...

Webrunner: Don't-eth mind-eth us. We are-th just-eth looking-eth for-eth something-eth that can-eth be used-eth as a power source-eth. Do-eth you mind-eth?

(Snapper, Dorg and Gaval look at each other, confused.)

Snapper: Thy grasp of language seems t'be slipping, Webrunner. But, 'twould be a crime not to offer service to any who doth enter here. I hope thou findst what thou needst.

Webrunner: Uhh... Ditto... I mean ditto-eth

(Webrunner and Noid start snooping about for some Protoss device that could power their tracker.)

Gaval: What wast that about?

Snapper: 'Tis not thy concern. Now, let us not delay any further, for every second we thus delay, Lothos dost look at my hand.

(Lothos tries to look innocent. It doesn't quite fit.)

Dorg: 'Twas my bet, was't not?

Snapper: Aye.

Dorg: I willst fold quicker than you couldst yell "Death to the Zerg Canadians!"

"Undoubtedly so, since Snapper has no mouth."

Gaval: I thoughtst I couldst sense evil approaching. However, I merely suspected 'twas Lothos' armpits.

(The camera pans across to reveal Ravil standing in the doorway, the sun streaming off his back like in all those cheesy western movies.)

Ravil: Art thou challenging me, Gaval?

Lothos: Or art thou challenging me?

Dorg: Thou couldst not face all of us, villain! Myself, Lothos, Webrunner, Noid and Gaval!

(Webrunner and Noid look across the room and see Ravil standing in the doorway.)

Gaval: We will rend thine EVAAAAAAAL corpse unto so many parts that no force on Earth couldst....

Snapper (shouting): ENOUGH!

(All eyes turn to Snapper; everything else does, too.)

Snapper: This temple ist one of honour; there shalst be no duelling within these walls. Leave thine petty quarrels on the doormat!

Gaval: But... but he's evil!

Snapper: Bouncers!

(A pair of probes warp in from Aiur and carry Gaval kicking and screaming out of ye Protoss gambling house.)

Ravil: I do applaud thine efforts to keep the peace, Snapper. Indeed, 'tis part of the reason I do come here.

Snapper: Continue with haste, Ravil. Although I will not kill thee or force thee to leave, do not think I have any love toward thee... Thou who didst kill Brother Chrono so many moons ago.

Ravil: Not in front of these CWAL dogs. I wouldst speak to you in private.

(Snapper motions to a confession box; Ravil and Snapper enter.)

Ravil: What wouldst thou say to a way to end the bitter feud between Canuckalisk and CWAL?

Snapper: 'Twould be fantastic! Thy feud is the only barrier to expanding my gambling empire!

Ravil: Then, all thou hast to do is be here tomorrow morning. There shalt thou marry mineself and Sofielisk.

Snapper: By Adun! 'Twas only a few days ago thou wast pining for Alter! Now, thou art ready to marry Sofielisk!

Ravil: Wilst thou perform the service or not?

Snapper: I see not how I couldst refuse, for thy marriage wilst do much to soothe the rage of Fron.

Ravil: Then I wilst see thou tomorrow, whence the clock strikes seven; then we shall be wed.

(Ravil and Snapper exit the booth. Ravil wanders out of the temple, while Snapper moves over to the table. Gaval, it appears, had bribed the Probes and made his way back in. Webrunner and Noid watch.)

Noid (to Webrunner): I wonder what all that was about...

Webrunner (To Noid): Seems to have Snapper interested... Damn! There's nothing here that can handle this tracker's power requirements.

Gaval (still under the effects of the Slayer rush and able to pick up on their conversation from a distance): What quantity of power art thou looking for?

Noid: We need something capable of generating the same as 4 of Pez's extra-long life batteries.

Webrunner (To Noid): We could have avoided all this if he'd given us rechargeables.

Snapper: And thou dost not wish to use a Maggottonian Power pack? If indeed that ist the case, thou art out of luck. Pez hast been dead for many a year now, and his last invention, "Ye Pezlandian Mega-Power-Generator" ist used to power the defences on CWAL's crypt.

Noid: The Crypt?

Dorg: The one that thou didst help construct. So many deaths, 'tis a miracle all the bodies fit in't.

(Noid and Webrunner look at each other.)

Webrunner : Thank-eth you-eth.

Noid (to Webrunner): We'd better go find Dee. Looks like we've got some grave robbing to do.


(Scene : A Park; Lady Fron (a.k.a. Dragoneyes) is sitting down on a bench. A female figure walks up to her, wearing thick sunglasses and with a shoal around her head. The figure sits down next to her.)

Figure: Dragoneyes?

(The voice is familiar.)

Dragoneyes: Ah! One who knowest how to address me properly! What be thy name?

(An astute listener would have noticed that the two voices are nearly identical.)

Figure: I know lots about you, Dragoneyes… I've admired you for a long time, but don't worry, I'm not hitting on you. There's just something I have to know: why did you marry Fron?

Dragoneyes: A temporary loss of sanity following the deaths of both Krath and Shriek.

(The figure stares at her. Her face twitches a bit.)

Dragoneyes: 'Twas a choice between Fron and Lothos...

Figure: I would have picked Lothos. At least you could simply turn the TV on whenever he got horny and he'd leave you alone.

Dragoneyes: So wouldst I if Fron hadst not been made ruler of CWAL and vow'd to outlaw TV if I didst marry Lothos.

(The figure looks at Dragoneyes.)

Figure: Thank you. I just had to know.

Dragoneyes: Why? Who art thou?

(Dee removes her shoal and glasses.)

Dee: I am you... Sort of.

(While Dragoneyes is stunned, Dee walks off.)


(Scene : CWAL HQ, Tybalt's Room. Several Onions on strings drape down from the roof, permeating the room with a tear-jerking stench, The walls are painted blue, white and red, in that order. Tybalt is sitting at a pine desk; Intruder and Talruum are by his side. Tybalt appears to be deep in concentration, carefully writing on a piece of paper.)

Tybalt: And zees eezt 'ow thou dost delivereth un challenge! Eeeveryzing must be perfect. If zee letter of challenge eezt not thus, zen vat vill thine opponent zhink?

Intruder: That he ist not being challenged by a Frenchman, rather by someone who dost possess a glimmer of sanity.

Tybalt: Zut alors! No wonder thou American fffffools lost thy Civil War!

Talrum: We didst crush the English in the Civil War.

Tybalt: Zat dost not have any relevance! I dost scoff-eth at thee! Thee who didst get defeated by the English!

(Intruder rolls his eyes.)

Tybalt: Scoff-eth, scoff-eth, scoff-eth!

Intruder: Why dost I get the feeling that thou wast only cast for this role because of thine name?

Tybalt: I doth feeet zhis role perfectly!

Tybalt (With Duraznos' voice coming out instead of his own): Besides, they are not considering firing me yet! They havest not even started dubbing someone else's voice over mine!

Tybalt: Zhat eezt a dead giveaway zhat one eezt about to be fired!

(Talruum attempts to roll his eyes, but finds the process harder than anticipated.)

Tybalt: Zhere! My challenge eezt completed! Talruum! Take zhees at once to ye house of Canuckalisk. Zhere I shalt challenge Ravil!

Talruum: Not again! Every time I dost deliver messages, I end up being used like thy bowling ball.


(Scene: An alleyway. Cydric and Turtletoo are walking along, talking.)

Cydric: Hast thou heard the news?

Turtle: Aye Cydric, thou hast told me 7 times already that thy toothpick didst snap.

Cydric: Oh.

(They walk for 5 minutes longer.)

Cydric: Hast thou heard the news?

(Turtle looks at Cydric angrily.)

Turtle: As our master wouldst say, "Shutteth thee up, Cydric!"

Cydric: Speaking of Ravil, he didst not return last night.

Turtle: Probably he wast enjoying some rumpy-pumpy larval action with that halfbreed Alter.

Cydric: Aye!

(Out of the blue, a brain in a jar rolls past at high speeds.)

Talruum: For the love of God, couldst thou stop doing this to me!

Cydric: Heh, that ist funny.

Turtle: Funny, but 'twould also appear that a message wouldst have been delivered. For what other purpose wouldst that Talruum be loose?

Cydric: A challenge, I'd wager.

Turtle: From that Frrrrrench Tybalt.

Cydric: Dost thou think Ravil will answer it?

Turtle: I do hope he dost not, for he is so smitten with love that he couldst not hope to defeat him.

Cydric: Aye! Who doth need Female Zerg? Not us, 'tis for sure!

Turtle: Indeed, thou art right Cydric!

(The two of them wander along the road silently, metaphorically signifying their barren lives without mates. They hear footsteps (which are in this case a metaphor for nothing) and see Ravil approaching (A metaphor for extreme Hydralisk good looks). Ravil is wearing a grin the size of Siberia.)

Turtle: Ravil! What hast thou been up to?

Ravil: Aah, Turtle! Cupid-lisk hast shot me with the Glaive worm of love!

Cydric (Rolls eyes): Again?

Turtle: Really, sire... Alter?

Ravil: Alter is nothing! The looks of that Alter do pale in comparison to my new love.

(Ravil starts to think of Sofielisk and seemingly enters a blissful, trance-like state.)

Turtle: 'Tis all well and good, sire, but what dost thou plan to do about Tybalt?

Ravil (A million miles away... Mentally): What? Why wouldst I marry Tybalt?

Cydric: We'd best pray he gets over this new love soon.

Turtle: Or else he willst be cleav'd asunder by Tybalt.

(In the distance, there are several loud roars.)

Turtle: Ho! Canuckalisk's have found something of interest!

Cydric: Dost thou smell rotting cheese?

Turtle: Aye, but 'tis thou, Cydric, not whatever they art mauling.

Cydric: We'd best look.

(Turtle and Cydric dash off towards the direction of the noise.)

"Ravil! I hath been looking for thee for nigh an hour!"

(Ravil turns around to see Akira running towards him.)

Ravil: Akira! Thou dost bring news from Sofielisk?

Akira: Nay, 'tis Sofielisk that dost want news from thou.

Ravil: Very well, thou shouldst tell Sofielisk to meet me in Friar Snapper's cell. There, we shalt be wed.

(Akira smiles at Ravil.)

Ravil: Go now! Commend me to my bride!

Akira: As thou wishest, Ravil.


(Scene : Sofielisk's room)

Sofie (pacing): Where ist that Akira? She hast been gone for many an hour.

Sassy (trying to stop Sofie from pacing): Sofie! Wilt thou cease thy incessant pacing? Thou hast almost dug a burrowhole through the floor.

Jasmine: And the floor below us is Lady Fron's bedroom.

(Sofielisk stops pacing.)

Sofie: If she doth not arrive soon, I wilt have to start eating that...

(Sofie extends a claw, pointing to Ni, who is huddled in the corner after getting on the wrong side of Sofie earlier.)

Jasmine: Again, Sofie? He wast not tasty the first time...

Sassy: All that Ni-troglycerine makes him kinda chewy...

Jasmine: At least he melts in your mouth and not in your hand...

(Akira runs in.)

Sofie: Akira! What didst Ravil say?

Akira: Give me but a moment to catch my breath...

(Sofielisk's eyes bulge angrily and the two needle spine slots on her chest open.)

Akira (Suddenly not even slightly tired): He didst say to go to Friar Snapper's cell tomorrow morn, where thou shouldst become his wife.

(Sofie opens her mouth to reply, when there comes a scream from upstairs.)

Jasmine: What wast that?

(Before they realise what they are doing, Sofielisk and Akira dash upstairs. There are 4 CWALers standing at the entrance to a single room: PMD, Gaval, Fron and Aura.)

Fron: So, they havest infiltrated our house!

PMD: It looks as though one of them still draws breath.

(Sofielisk and Akira edge closer.)

Jasmine: What in the name of Zasz…?

(They see Noid and Webrunner, tied to chairs, with duct tape over their mouths. Noid's breathing is faint, but Webrunner's is nonexistent.)

Aura: He must have died 'f caffiene depravation.

Gaval: We shouldst untie Noid and find out who didst this to them!

(PMD and Gaval walk forward to untie them. Dragoneyes approaches.)

Fron: Cupcake! Thou shouldst not see this! 'Tis too fragile for female emotion...

(Dragoneyes gives Fron THAT look.)

Fron : I shalt go get ye royal couch ready for tonight, then...

(Dragoneyes walks forward and sees Gaval rip the duct tape off Noid's mouth.)

Gaval: Who didst this EVAAAAAL thing to thou?

Noid: It..... it....

PMD: Ok, so that doth rule out Dragoneyes. Nobody wouldst dare call her an "it."

Noid: wa.......sss

Aura: Shouldst we not give him coffee? Maybe 'twouldst recuperate him.

Noid: Webrunner... and.... Noid...they.....did... this

(Aura, Akira, PMD, and Gaval look confused.)

Sofie: Hey! We art supposed to have a monopoly on Multiple Personality disorders!

Dragoneyes: No, mayhap what Noid doth say ist not so far-fetched. I didst meet a woman earlier who didst claim to be me...

Gaval: And I didst see both Noid and Webrunner in Ye Protoss gambling house earlier today.

PMD: There art doubles of us running around?

Aura: Some fiendish plot by Ravil, 'tis for sure!

Dragoneyes: Ready the search parties! We hast got some CWAL dopplegangers to catch!

PMD: Aye, Lady Fron!


(Scene: A dark alleyway. Noid, Webrunner and Dee are hiding.)

Dee: So, you forgot to untie the other Webrunner and Noid!

Noid: I didn't mean to kill Webrunner…

Webrunner: That makes me feel a whole lot better.

(Dee shakes her head.)

Dee: This makes our job a helluva lot harder. Now we have to get past several patrols looking for us to get to the crypt, break in, steal the power source while evading Pez's defence mechanisms, and do all that before we lose Gluegun's trail.

Noid: Sorry.

Webrunner: Speaking of Gluegun's trail, we've been here for almost a day. If we are here for more than a week, then the entire trail will be unreadable.

Dee: Whatever happens, we're losing time.


(Scene: The next morning, at Ye Protoss Gambling House. For once, it is surprisingly empty. Friar Snapper is standing alone; he walks up to and opens the door. There is a small group assembled outside.)

Snapper: Bride or groom?

Guest #1: Meow.

Snapper: Very well, over there. Next.

Guest #2: Grunt.

(Snapper stands aside and lets the Canuckalisk move through the door. It sits down on the "groom's" side of the temple. After about ten minutes, the groom's side is filled with Canuckalisks and the bride's side with cats of all shapes and sizes.)

Snapper: Where be that knave Ravil?

(Ravil bursts in the door and slams it behind him; he looks manhandled.)

Ravil: Those CWAL search parties art most generous in their use of force.

(Ravil starts dusting himself off.)

Snapper (Shouting across the room to where Sofielisk is hidden): Art thou ready, Sofielisk?

Sofie: Yes!

Jasmine: No!

Sassy: For what?

Sofie: We art getting married. Dost thou not remember?

Sassy: Thou didst not consult me!

Jasmine: Nor I!

Sofie: Just play along; there ist cake in it for thou.

Sassy: Woohoo! We shouldst get married more often.

Snapper: Can we get on with it?

Sofie: Aye!

(Snapper signals and a Probe warps in; the probe starts playing "Here comes the bride" on the large Protoss organ..... You are sick!)

Sofie: Dah dah du-dah!

Sassy: Sofie...

Sofie: Dah dah du-dah!

Sassy: SOFIE!

Sofie: Huh?

Sassy: I doth believe that this ist our cue...

Sofie: Oh yeah... Right.

(Sofielisk walks out and slowly walks towards Ravil. Ravil turns around momentarily and steals a glance; his jaw drops open and he starts to drool. Sofielisk is wearing a 'Jolt-skin' wedding gown and matching slippers (order now for the special price of $29.95).)

Snapper: Dearly... (he considers saying beloved... but it doesn't work) present. We art gathered here today in ye sight of Adun to join these two Zerg in holy matrim'ny. But first, thou shouldst turn to page 31 in thy hymn books and sing number 54, "Amazing Khala."

(The Canuckalisks and cats take deep breaths and prepare to sing.)


(Scene: The Royal couch, where Fron is asleep. All is calm and silent until suddenly, at about one hundred and fifty decibels…)


(Fron leaps up.)


Fron: We art under attack! Man the defences! Where ist mine Prod?


(Scene: Back at the Temple. Snapper is covering his ears.)


(Everyone is silent.)

Snapper: Shalt we cut to the chase?

Sofie: Yes!

Jasmine No! If I doth get married, I want it to be proper. Oweth! Sofie!

Snapper: Very well. Dost thou, Ravil, take Sofielisk to be thy wife?

Ravil: I doth.

Snapper: And do thou, Sofielisk, take Ravil to be thy husband?

Sofie: I doth.


(Sofielisk is given very odd looks.)

Jasmine: I always didst want to say that line.

Snapper: And thou, Sassy?

Sassy: I wilt need some more time.

Sofie: Too bad, thou art outvoted 2 to 1.

Snapper: Very well, I doth pronounce thou husband and wives. Thou may now kiss.

(Ravil and Sofielisk leap at each other.)

Ravil: I lovest thou, Sofie

Sofie: Less talk more kissing

(Ravil picks Sofielisk up in his arms and slowly their lips converge. There is a loud *SSMMMMMMMOOOOOOCCCCCHHH* and they retract slowly, Sofielisk still in Ravil's arms.)

Sassy: So, when do we get the cake? __________

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