Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 2 Scene 1
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene: Later that night, not too far from CWAL Headquarters. Ravil is wandering alone through the streets of Irvine, unable to think of anything but his one true love.)

Ravil: Mmmm...beef...

(No, your other one true love!)

Ravil: Oh, sorry. Ah, my fair Sofielisk. How can I go forward when my heart is here? Turn back, dull earth, and find thy...(suddenly catches a whiff of something in the air)...steak! Someone 'tis cooking steak at this time of night! (Licks his chomps and goes off to follow his nose)

(While Ravil runs across the street to "Crazy Stan's Meat Emporium - Your 24 Hour Sirloin Stop", Turtle and Cydric wander down the same street, in search of their master.)

Turtle: Ravil! My master Ravil! Where art thou?

Cydric: *BURP* He is wise; and on my life, hath stol'n back to the Lair.

Turtle: Cydric! I told thou not to eat those Polish glunkies and kilvasa! But noooo...thou would not listen. And now what have thou to say for thyself?

Cydric: *BURP*

Turtle: 'Tis as I thought. Come...let us return to the Lair, where we might feed thee some Postal workers to sooth thy upset stomach.

(Turtle and Cydric leave the scene. Seconds later, Crazy Stan's errupts with shouting and insults, and suddenly, Ravil is tossed through the front window, the shattering glass spreading unevenly down the street. The Hydralisk gets up and brushes himself off hastily, apparently none the worse.)

Ravil: 'Tis that your best shot? Ha! I am unscathed!

(Sound of a gun cocking.)

Ravil: Uh-oh.

(The King of the Canuckalisks dives out of the way just as a hail of bullets kicks up dust where he stood a moment ago. Out from Crazy Stan's emerge Legion007 and Talruum, both brandishing very nasty-looking guns.)

Talruum: 'Twas your misfortune to meander into our favorite eatery, scum-bag. Now thou shalt regret not kicking me harder!

Ravil: Faith! Faith! It was nothing personal...AHH! (The cement is torn up beneath him by gunfire. Seeing no other viable alternative, Ravil turns heels and runs away.)

Legion007: Come back here, thou villian! (Reloads his shotgun) We do not seek to harm thee! We just wish to play with thee!

Talruum: 'Tis true...especially his head!

(Fleeing for his life, Ravil tears down the street, and one can practically see flames emitting from behind him in his tracks. He rounds several corners, ducks down an alley, through a sewerpipe, and over a barb-wire-topped wall, only to be bitten several times by ferocious guard dogs, which he manages to lose by throwing a ball in the opposite direction. Finally, he stops to catch his breath.)

Talruum: (Aiming his shotgun right at Ravil's head) Freeze, thee bastard!

Ravil: (Slightly annoyed) How canst thou keep up with me so? Thou 'tis composed of a brain and a jar!

Talruum: Shutteth thee up! Won't Fron be pleased when he finds that you are trespassing on CWAL property again. After what thou pulled tonight, he will likely make thee into a very nice helmet, or perhaps a pair of gloves for Lady Fron.

Ravil: But I'm not on...(Reads a nearby sign dug into the ground: "Thou Ist On CWAL Property", which has not even been in the ground long enough for the paint to dry)...hmmm...'twould appear that thou is correct. Wait thee a minute; where is thy partner?

Talruum: Legion had to take a bathroom break.

Ravil: Ah! Then perhaps my situation 'tis not as bad as it seems! (Kicks Talruum's shotgun away again, and knocks him over onto his side. He then gives the jar a sturdy kick, and it rolls over to where the guard dogs are vigilantly patrolling several square feet of space.)

Talruum: NOT AGAIN!! AHHHHHHHHHH! (Several guard dogs pounce on the jar at once)

(Suddenly, a light turns on in a room right above the scene.)

Sofie: What 'tis all of that racket out there? Can't a Hydralisk even get her beauty sleep?

Ravil: (Heart skips a beat...then another...and another...) Ack! Cardiac arrest! 'Twould have been better to avoid the meat!

Sofie: Who 'tis that out there? Thou voice sounds familiar.

Ravil: (Heart starts beating regularly again) Ah...much better. (Looks upwards) But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and you...you...

Sofie: (Giggles) Go on!

Ravil: 'Tis my unfortune to say that I dost not even know thy fair name!

Sassy: My name 'tis Sassy!

Jasmine: My name 'tis Jasmine!

Sofie: Shut up, both of thee! Who 'tis the brains of this operation?

(Both Jasmine and Sassy point at Sassy.)

Sofie: Hmmm...very well, who is the SOUL of this operation?

(The other two personalitites point to Jasmine.)

Sofie: Grrr...all right then. Who 'tis the evil, conniving, conceited, and treacherous one?

Jasmine: O, 'tis definitley you.

Sofie: (Triumphant) Good. Then leave matters attaining to love up to me.

Jasmine: (Suspiciously) Wait a minute...

Ravil: Have thou decided upon a name for thyself, yet?

Sofie: Aye, evil Ravil. My name'tis Sofielisk, but thou may addresseth me as Sofie.

Sassy: Or Sassy!

(Sofie disappears from the balcony, and there is sounds of a scuffling in the background. Finally, she emerges once more.)

Sassy: (Bound and gagged in the back of the body's consiousness) MMMMFFFRR!

Sofie: There. We shall haveth no more interuptions. (Glares at Jasmine) Right?

(Jasmine wanders off into a corner near the left ear cavity to sulk. Sofie turns her attentions back to more important matters.)

Sofie: O Ravil, Ravil! Wherefore art thou Ravil? If Fron should findeth thee here tonight, then he shalt surely prod thee!

Ravil: (Raising his eyebrows. Hmmm, do Hydralisks HAVE eyebrows?) We need not stay around this place. (Winks)

Sofie: Alas, but if thou were not a Zerg Canadian.

Ravil: Thou speak'st aright! I am the King of the Canuckalisks, he that destroys and mutilates in the night! I made my minions laugh when me a puppy dog consumed for breakfast. Come, fair Sofie, join my horde, so that we may wreck havoc together!

Sofie: Woohoo! Sounds like fun!

Jasmine: Sofie...

Sofie: Right, right. Though thou offer tempts me, I still be a CWALer above all else, sworn to hate thee and thy kind. But if wilt be but sworn to my love and larvae, then I shall no longer be a CWALer.

Ravil: Hmmm...what shall I swear by?

Sofie: (Shurgs) Think of something.

Ravil: (Searches through the pouches on his upper carapace, and comes out with a large piece of meat. Sofie's mouth begins to water more than usual.) 'Twould this be adequate?

Sofie: Yes! YES!!

(Ravil tosses the prime sirloin up to Sofie, who rapidly begins to feast upon it. Suddenly, a voice is heard from inside.)

Dragoneyes: Sofielisk!

Sofie: I hear some noise within: dear love, adieu! (To Dragoneyes) Coming, Lady Fron! (Back to Ravil) Sweet Hydralisk, be true. Stay but a little, I will come again.

(Sofie disappears back inside the HQ.)

Ravil: (Mischeviously) O wonderous night! Not only have I made a fool of Fron, but gotten quite a catch too!

(Sofie reappears briefly.)

Sofie: Dear Ravil, if that thy bent of love be honourable, thy purpose marriage, send me word tomorrow. Where, and what time, thou wilt perform the rite; and all my fortunes at thy claws I'll lay, and follow thee my lord against any foe.

Ravil: (Mischevious again) And perhaps somewhere in there we'll be able to...

Sofie: (Equally mischevious) NOW you're talking!

Dragoneyes: (Impatiently) SOFIE! Get thou bottom in here pronto!

Sofie: I must depart! Fare thee well, sweet Zerg Canadian. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Ravil: Indeed...'tis best if I depart 'till the morrow. Sleep dwell upon thy eyes, my love, evil in thy breast!

(Ravil slips away from the building, and scuttles away just in time, as Dragoneyes barges into the room above to address Sofie.)

Dragoneyes: I heard thou speaking to someone! Who wast out there? And why does it smell like roast meat in here?

Sofie: (Swallowing the last piece of Ravil's...engagement steak) I don't know.

Dragoneyes: (Suspicious) Many odd things have been happening hence these past few days. And thou still hast not answered about the gallant Mutant zergling. What is going on here?

(She is interrupted as her husband Fron strolls into the room, polishing his infamous Cattle Prod. He gets close enough to Dragoneyes that it is quite obvious what he has in mind.)

Fron: Hoonnneeeyyy...it's Friday nite...

Dragoneyes: (Smoke puffing from her nostrils as she turns around) Not now...

Fron: Aw, come on...

(DE lets out a short burst of flame which scorches some of the hair off of Fron's head.)

Fron: EEP! Um...perhaps it would be better if I slept on the couch tonight. (CWAL's new leader makes a hasty retreat)

Dragoneyes: (Shaking her head and turning to leave) Men...

Sofie: (Once everyone has cleared out) *WHEW*!



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