Zerg Canadians


Infinite Horizons: Ravio and Sofiette - Act 1 Scene 2
By Ravil and Sofielisk

(Scene: Sofielisk's room in the new CWAL Headquarters, located within an old warehouse. Modest quarters, but nice none the less. The Modified Hydralisk is out at the moment, but Dragoneyes and Akira are standing about in the room, awaiting her return.)

Dragoneyes: Akira, where's our newest member? Call her forth to me.

Akira: At once, Lady Fron…

Dragoneyes: (Eyes glowing a dark red) Do NOT call me that!

Akira: Very well. Sofielisk! Where is that girl? SOFIE!!

(Sofielisk, the modified Hydralisk, wanders into the room.)

Sofie: How now! Who calls?

Akira: Your superior…Lady Fron.

Dragoneyes: I will roast thee, if I have to, Akira.

Sofie: (Quickly) Madam, I am here. What is your will?

Dragoneyes: This is the matter – tell me, Sofielisk, how stands your disposition to be married?

Jasmine: 'Tis an honour I would not dream of!

Sofie: Silence! The Lady Fron addresses me, not thou, stupid. (Turns back to DE) I twould not mind it awfully…

DE: For you see, our need for new members is great. When the hateful Ravil attacks once more, and faith, he will, we shalt need new forces to join our fray! What CWAL needs is an army of Zerg to match the Canuckalisks in numbers. We have no Hatchery, so…

Sassy: …Thou requires that we should give birth. Tell me, Lady Fron, since I be new, I have heard little of this Ravil. What of him is there?

DE: (Angry) He is a cunning, wicked Zerg, without mercy or remorse, incapable of feeling, unworthy of even the life that God bestowed upon him.

Sofie: (Smiles playfully) Sounds like my kind of guy.

DE: (Somewhat uncomfortable) Well…think of marriage now; younger than you, here in Irvine, ladies of esteem are made already mothers. Thus then, in brief – the valiant Mutant Zergling seeks you for his love.

Sofie, Sassy & Jasmine: EEEEEWWW!

Akira: A male, young lady! A male with whom victory-bringing larvae can be produced.

Sassy: Mz? Art thou sure? (All three personalities laugh)

DE: What say you? Can you love the gentlezerg? This night you shall behold him at our feast: round o'er the volume of young Mz's face, and find delight writ there with beauty's pen.

Sofie: (Sighs) I shalt do as thou asks, Lady Fron…

DE: I'm warning BOTH of you! Stop calling me that!

Sofie: …but I make no vows beforehand.

Akira: (Nods) That is how it should be. (DE pokes her viciously in the ribs) OW!!

(Suddenly, Arcturus pokes his head into the bedroom.)

Arcturus: M'ladies, the guests have come, the band arrived, supper laid out, and everything in extremity. I must hence to wait; I beseech thee, follow straight.

DE: We follow thee. Sofielisk, the gun must stay. (Sofie disappointedly tosses the gun back onto her pillow)

Akira: Go, girl, seek happy nights to happy days!


(Scene: the street just outside of CWAL Headquarters. Several of the jestful Maskers, who bring liveliness and entertainment to the party, are gathered there, faces covered by masks. Among them are three particularly familiar voices…)

Ravil: What, shall this speech be spoke for our excuse? Or shall we on without apology?

Cydric: The date is out of such prolixity: we'll have no Cupid hoodwink'd with a scarf, bearing a Mutalisk's Wurm of wrath, scaring the ladies like a Scourge-keeper. But, let them measure us by what they will, we'll measure them a measure, and be gone, plus maybe a bomb or two.

Ravil: Give me a torch: I am not for this ambling; being but heavy, I will bear the light.

Turtle: Nay, sire…we must have you dance!

Ravil: Not I, believe me. You have dancing shoes, with nimble soles; I have not even legs to carry me upon!

Turtle: You are a lover: borrow Cupid's wings, and soar with them above the common bound.

Ravil: I am too sore enpierced with his shaft to soar with his light feathers; and so bound, I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe: under love's heavy burden do I sink.

Turtle: Then tonight, that burden shall we lift from you! Come, let us enjoy ourselves at CWAL's expense!

(The door opens, and the Maskers enter the party, which is about to begin. The band is ready, the food is being served, and everyone is preparing to have a good time. Fron gets up front to give a short opener, with his wife Dragoneyes right beside him.)

Fron: Ladies and gentlemen, I, the leader of Operation CWAL, do welcome thee all to this year's party. Let there be music and dancing! She that makes dainty, she I'll swear, hath corns on her feet! Come, musicians – play! Give room, and foot it, girls!

(The music plays, and they all begin dancing. The Maskers come in to mingle with the others. Not everyone in the building is having a good time, however. Noid, Webrunner, and Dee have succeeded in capturing, tying up, and gagging the Noid and Webrunner of this universe in their upstairs room. The latter pair are not in the least bit pleased about it.)

Webrunner: One more time…why do we have to do this?

Noid: (Sighs) I told you this already…the tracker ran out of batteries. Leave it to Pez to give us his old ones. We have to try and find Pez's laboratory in THIS universe. There might be something there that we can use. It would look kind of suspicious if there were two pairs of us wandering around, so hence why we had to tie these fellows up. Right, chaps?

Other Noid: (Who has duct tape over his mouth) MMMFFFRRRGGGG!

Webrunner: Wait a minute…I saw Pez's name on that…on that memorial where the Starbucks should have been! He's DEAD!

Noid: Right. But hopefully his laboratory's still around here somewhere. If it is, then we might be able to salvage some batteries or something to jury-rig the damn thing.

Webrunner: What if we can't find anything?

Noid: Then we kiss Gluegun goodbye, and get used to living in this reality.

Dee: Not a prospect I'm overly thrilled with. This is almost as bad as from where _I_ come from.

Webrunner: Then what are we waiting for?? Let's go in there and get those batteries!

Noid: That's the plan. Dee, maybe it's better if…

Dee: (Nods) …I stay here and guard these two? Fine with me. I don't know how everyone would react to seeing a human Dragoneyes down there. Good luck.

(Webrunner and Noid scamper out of the room and head down towards the party. Everything is now going in full swing, with your Arcturus-type crowd doing a lot of dancing with members of the opposite sex, while your Lothos-type is hanging around the food. The three Zerg Canadians are in the corner, as promised, ogling some of the ladies. However, Ravil seems to have focused in on one particular one, heedless even to the fact that his beloved Alter is dancing around in the same room.)

Ravil: (To one of the guests) What lady is that, which doth enrich the hand of yonder Zergling?

(Cydric and Turtle follow his gaze, which leads across the room to where Sofielisk is dancing (grudgingly) with Mz. The two Zerg Canadians turn and grin at eachother.)

Guest: I know not, sir.

Ravil: O! She doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night like a rich jewel in the Overmind's ear. Beauty too rich for use, for the galaxy too dear! So shows a snowy Guardian trooping with Mutalisks, as yonder lady o'er her fellows shows. Did my heart love till now? Foreswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty until this night.

(He wanders over towards Sofielisk, completely star-struck. However, he doesn't go unrecognized.)

Tybalt: This, by his voice, should be a Zerg Canadian! (To Kazz, who is right beside him) Fetch me my rapier, boy! Dares the slave come hither, cover'd with an antic face, to flee our scorn at our solemnity? Now, by the stock and honour of my kin, I shalt strike him dead!

Kazz: (Tosses Tybalt's sword to him, and brandishes Fluffy as well) All right, Tybalt! Let's carve this guy up!

Fluffy: Reeeevvv-rreeeevvv-rreeeeeeevv!!!

Fron: (Brought over by the sound of weapons being flourished) Why, how now, kinsmen? Wherefore storm you so?

Tybalt: (Pointing at Ravil across the room) That is a Zerg Canadian, our foe; a villian, that is hither come in spite, to scorn at our party this night!

Fron: Ravil, is't?

Tybalt: 'Tis he, that villian Ravil!

Fron: Content thee, Tybalt, let him alone. He bears himself like a portly gentleman this night. And, to say truth, it would be frowned upon by all if we were to disparage him from our house, especially in front of so many members of PFBS here this night. Let it be a show of good faith that we endure him here. This is my will; the which if thou respect, show a fair presence, and put off these frowns, an ill-beseeming semblance for a party.

Tybalt: It fits, when such a villain is a guest. I'll not tolerate him!

Fron: He shall be endur'd: What! I say, he shall; am I the leader here, or you?

Tybalt: Why, sir, 'tis a shame…

Fron: I know, but if this lengthy hat'rd between our peoples is to end, trust must be brought between us. If he steps beyond the limits of good taste, then shalt thou have my word to eject him.

Tybalt: Patience perforce with willful choler meeting makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting. I will withdraw: but this intrusion shall, now seeming harmless, convert to bitter gall.

(On the other side of the room, Ravil is just about to meet Sofielisk on the dance floor. However, just as he reaches her, someone taps him on the shoulder, and he turns around.)

Alter: I knew 'twas you, Ravil!

Ravil: Alas, but how did thou see through my mask?

Alter: How many other guests dost have a tail?

Ravil: (Rolling his eyes and glancing back towards Sofie) Ah, your rapier wit has felled me again, Alter. Now, if thou will pardon me…

Alter: Stay with me but a moment, Ravil. For I 'twas thinking about what thine said many days ago about us. Perhaps I was hasty in my judgment of your deeds. Would thou care to dance?

Ravil: (Trying desperately to get her off his back) To speak the truth, I am preoccupied…

Alter: (Grabbing Ravil and starting to dance with him regardless) O come now, Ravil! 'Tis but a short dance!

Ravil: All right, Alter. But after this must I depart.

(Four dances later, the King of the Canuckalisks has still been unable to get away from his former love. The tempo of the music rises as the next dance begins, a tango of sorts. Ravil and Alter continue to dance, but finally, the former sees a way out. During the heat of the song, he spins off into the crowd and disappeared. Thankful that he has finally escaped the half-breed's clutches, he looks around for she that caught his eye and his heart not too long before. Sofielisk is still dancing with Mz, though seems to be getting quite impatient with his endless chatter about the time he swallowed Tassadar. Ravil strides over.)

Ravil: I beg thee pardon, good Zergling, but I am cutting in.

Mz: Like, no way man. Get lost.

Ravil: (Baring his teeth) I said, thee rap-scallion, that I am CUTTING IN! Doest thou wish to quarrel about it?

Mz: Ack! Uh…uh…she's all yours. (Scampers off)

Jasmine: 'Twas not a very kind thing to do, good sir…oweth! Sofie!

Sofie: Ignore thee my other personalities, fair sir Hydralisk. I thank thee for ridding my hand of that pestilent vermin.

Ravil: 'Twas no problem at all! Allow me to introduce myself. I am…

(Suddenly, Ravil spots someone cutting through the crowd towards him.)

Alter: Ravie! O Ravie! Where art thou, my fair Ravie?

Ravil: (Rolling his eyes) I beggeth thy pardon, fair lady. I shall return in a moment. (Goes off to try and lose Alter again)

Sofie: Wow! Now that 'tis a real male, compared to that sniveling Mz! He makes that Zergling look about as appealing as a Broodling.

Sassy: Say not bad things about Broodlings! I once knew one that 'twas the perfect gentlezerg…until its lifespan of thirty seconds didst expire.

Sofie: Awww….did thou lose thy dearest love, Sassy?

(Sofie and Sassy start to fight in the back of the Hydralisk's subconsious. Meanwhile, Ravil is back with Alter once again.)

Alter: 'Tisn't this fun, Ravil?

Ravil: (Grudgingly) Indeed. (Spots Turtle and Cydric standing about nearby, and whispers to them) Help me, thou idiots! Get this here woman out of my presence!

Cydric: 'Tis easier done than said! A bout of Dark Swarm will cause her to flee.

Turtle: Nay, stay thy hand, Chancellor. 'Twill give away our presence here. Allow me to help thee from thy predicament, sire.

(Scuttles forward and pinches Alter's bum with one of his claws.)

Alter: Ack! Thee villian! Come back here so that I may have at thee!

Turtle: Enjoy thy evening, sire! (Tears out of the HQ, with Alter in hot pursuit. Ravil chuckles and then goes back to Sofielisk.)

Ravil: A thousand pardons, my fair lady, 'twas an inconvenience that I had to attend to. Would thou care to dance?

Sofie: (Giggles) 'Twould be an honor, sir Hydralisk.

(They dance off into the crowd. On the other side of the room, Webrunner and Noid are just beginning to cut across the dance floor.)

Webrunner: …and when was the last time that we ate? You know that we're broke. It's not in every universe that they set out a huge buffet table for you to eat from! And now you're saying that we CAN'T?

Noid: (Impatient) We can't, because we have to find Pez's workshop. After that, if we have time, then maybe we can grab a bite to eat. But not a moment before, do you hear me?

(Webrunner is nowhere to be seen.)

Noid: (Fairly concerned) Webrunner? Webrunner??

(Then he spots his "faithful" companion, positioned over by the buffet table, gorging himself on whatever he can get his hands on. Noid sighs and goes on without his friend. It has, after all, been several universes since either of them had a decent meal.)

Noid: Hmmm….now where would Pez's lab be in this universe?

(The CWAL Warehouse HQ is much different in configuration from the Starbucks' café that Noid is used to. After several minutes of wandering the corridors adjoining the dance hall, he still has no idea where to find the deceased Pez-landians legacy. However, an idea comes to him that might suffice. He heads towards the nearest computer terminal, which is built into the wall.)

Noid: Rask! Rask, are you there? C'mon Rask, wake up!

Computer: (Groans) Ugh…who maketh all of that racket out there, that disturbs my tender slumb'r?

Noid: Rask, I need to get some information…

Computer: Why doth thou address me as "Rask", O Noid? Thou of all people should know that I am Czar, for thou helped to design me.

Noid: What happened to Rask?

Czar: Thy fair Rask was razed in the destruction of the old CWAL Headquarters. 'Tis a shame indeed, but that murderous villain Ravil shalt live to pay the price.

Noid: Okay, maybe you can help me then. I take it that you know who Pez was? Was his laboratory preserved after his death?

Czar: Pez? Alas…I knew of him. 'Twas a man of infinite experiments and insanity. He was felled along with so many others, so far from Irvine. But nay, his laboratory and his possessions were not brought to this new Headquarters.

Noid: (Crestfallen) So all of his gizmos and gadgets were destroyed with the original HQ?

Czar: 'Twould be a crime to say it so, since I cannot be certain in my judgment. Perhaps some of his devices were spared the ravages of the Zerg Canadians…but if they did, they will not be found here.

Noid: (Sighs) Great. Well, thanks anyway.

Czar: 'Twas no problem at all. Now, go forth, and disturb my sleep mode not.

(Noid heads back out to the party, and finds Webrunner, continuing to stuff his face.)


Noid: For God's sake, swallow. At the rate you're stuffing food into your face, you're going to die from asphyxiation.

Webrunner: (Swallows his mouthful) So? Did you get the batteries?

Noid: No…they're not here. Rask…I mean, Czar, didn't even know if Pez's stuff survived the war. We're going to have to do some looking around this town…and I mean fast. For all we know without the tracker, Gluegun may have shifted already, and his trail dissolved. C'mon…and put that plate of food down! We've got important things to do.

(Webrunner grudgingly puts down his plate, which is piled twelve inches high with food from the buffet table, and follows Noid out of the building. Spotting the dish, Cydric strolls over and consumes the entire plateful with a single gulp. On the dance floor, Ravil and Sofie are continuing to dance together, both completely star-struck. However, Sofie catches Akira nearby motioning to her frantically.)

Sofie: I beggeth thee pardon, good sir, but it seems that my superiors beckon forth to me. I must depart with haste.

Ravil: Alas, but 'tis my loss. But let me leave you with this: (Bends over and kisses her on the fangs, causing all of her 2000 teeth to chatter at the same time).

Sofie: (Dazed) Wow! But when shalt I see thee again?

Ravil: Worry not, my dear…I will see to it that we meet again. But before thou departs, let me leave you with this word of advice…leave this here building before the last song begins.

Sofie: Why?

Ravil: Trust me…I don't wish to see thee hurt.

(Sofie turns and goes over towards Akira, while Ravil heads back towards Cydric, who has managed to pick clean the entire buffet table, much to the annoyance of the other guests.)

Ravil: Come, my faithful servant. 'Tis almost time for us to make our hasty departure. But first, let us have some fun. (Meanders over to the Boom Box that has been set up to supplement the band, which is in intermission for a few minutes. Reaching into the pockets of his Upper Carapace, he removes a CD, and slips it into the player. Then, he and Cydric take their leave from the scene.)

Sofie: (Speaking to Akira) Come hither, Akira. What is it that thou wants?

Akira: Good Sofielisk, it is about that gentlezerg that thou wast dancing with.

Sofie: O! I did not even find out his name! Do tell, Akira.

Akira: 'Twas Ravil, the King of the Canuckalisks…the leader of our great enemy!

Sofie: My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! For I must love a loathed enemy!

Akira: (Shocked) What's this? What's this?!?

Sofie: (Suddenly hears them announcing the last song of the party) Um…excuseth me, Akira…I have to find the Lady Zerg's room. (Runs out of the HQ.)

Fron: …And this song 'tis going out to everyone who came tonight! Hit it, boys!

(The band starts playing, but to their horror, the accompanying music is not what they expect. Instead, coming out of the Speakers at full blast is the hideous, insidious, unspeakable music of…YE SPICE GIRLS! Chaos fills the room as the torturous music grasps the hearts and wills of all who are there. Screams of pain emit from every throat. Then, mustering every bit of willpower in his body, Fron drags himself over to the Boom Box system, Cattle Prod in hand. )

Fron: Arrrrgg! I cannot take it any more! (Jabs the Boom Box savagely with his Cattle Prod, over and over again until the vile melody sputters and subsides) Whoever be responsible for this dark deed shall pay for it with their life…I swear it!


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